AIBU to not want to send my daughter to a school where my abusive drug dealing neighbour’s child will be in her class?

[Bambooparty]

Hi all, I could really use some advice or perspective because I’m feeling completely stuck.

Long story short, my daughter had an awful time at her old school. A combination of things made it unworkable. Her anxiety was through the roof and after being physically attacked multiple times and getting absolutely nowhere with the school, I made the decision to withdraw her and home educate for a while. It was honestly the best thing I could have done. She’s been happy, calm and content again, and I finally had my little girl back.

That said, I work from home and it has been stressful trying to juggle everything. I always knew it would be temporary and that she would need to go back into school eventually.

We moved house just as she started reception so there was already a bit of a commute to the old school. I decided to apply for a place at the nearest school to us. It’s walkable, starts a bit later, and is smaller which I liked. The vibe felt right and she seemed happy during her settling-in days. I was all set for her to start this September and felt like we’d turned a corner.

But here’s where things have gone wrong. Since we bought this house in the new area our lives have been made hell by the neighbours. They live in a converted semi that’s split into flats and it has been non-stop problems. Constant shouting, fights, drug use, heavy weed smell use, music blaring, shouting abuse out of windows, constant police at the door, just general nightmare behaviour.

Worse still, one of the people who basically lives there is a drug dealer. He is the most aggressive of them all. The police are finally getting involved now but for a long time the landlady did nothing and we’ve just been stuck living in fear. This man has screamed abuse at me in front of my children. Only on Saturday he called me a “fat c*” among other things when I left the house with the kids.

Now I’ve just found out that his daughter is going to be in the same class as mine in September.

I honestly feel sick. I do not want to be around this man at all. The thought of having to stand in the playground near him, or be at the same birthday parties or school events, makes me feel physically ill. He has been intimidating and vile towards me and I’m genuinely worried about what happens if there’s any kind of disagreement at school.

On top of that, I can’t help but worry that his awful behaviour may have had an influence on his child. I don’t know anything about her personally and of course it’s not her fault, but given everything we’ve been through already with my daughter’s previous school experience, I’m terrified of putting her back into a situation that could end up being toxic.

But I also don’t want to move my daughter again. She’s already had so much disruption and she was so happy at this school during the settling-in days. It felt like a fresh start for her and now I feel like it’s all falling apart.

It’s August, the schools are closed and I feel completely stuck. Do I just send her and hope for the best? Am I overthinking it? What would you do?

It's not the child's fault. She might be a lovely little girl.

Is he the main carer for the child?

Would it be the mum at school on the school run or him, I suppose its difficult to answer that

I think OP is worried about having ti engage with him or associate with him if the 2 girls went to the same parties or were in the same groups or things like that, like you would the mums of children your children hang around with.

Worse, is if for some reason, OPs daughter gets into an argument, like kids do, its normal, or something like that with the other child and dad comes along having a go at OP.

DS's Reception class contained a drug dealer's child. Polite, rather meek little boy. Family lived around the corner. We only found out what the dad did for a living several years later when there was a dawn raid involving armed police and he was dragged out, handcuffed in his pants.

You dont have to talk to him. I'd imagine if he's openly a drug dealer then the other parents won't like it and you'll have plenty of company

You won't have to speak to him or engage with him just because your kids are in the same class and might be invited to the same parties.

Why would you need to do that?

Plenty of parents don't engage with others during their kid's whole school lives.

I think you're overthinking. He doesn't sound the type to be involved with his child's school life or her social life. Poor kid.

I wonder if you are starting to come up with reasons why you will need to home educate your dd again.

Yeah. I doubt she'll be going to many parties anyway.

I think you probably havent worked with people like this, they are utterly neglectful and abusive to their children until something or someone comes along that they can assert their aggression for use to say that they would do anything for their child and act the big protector.

The worst behaved reception children I have taught are the ones who pamper them and enable them to be spoilt and entitled. As for the dad, you barely see some parents and if you do, you don’t have to be near him.

I have and do.

I didn’t say it was, I said

“I can’t help but worry that his awful behaviour may have had an influence on his child. I don’t know anything about her personally and of course it’s not her fault, but given everything we’ve been through already with my daughter’s previous school experience, I’m terrified of putting her back into a situation that could end up being toxic.”

He has the child quite often and I know he picks her up from school as now I am thinking about it, he has been walking from the general direction of the school.

It depends on what extent this little girl's Dad is going to be involved with school runs/school events etc? Is it more likely the child's Mum will be doing these things? I can't see a man like this being too bothered about attending the Christmas nativity play or getting up early to take his daughter to school. Unfortunately, until the start of term, it's probably questions you don't know the answer too. If there are drugs involved, and the police have been called numerous times, my guess is that this poor little girl is probably on the radar of social services. Of course living in a household like she has, will have an impact on her - she'll either be quiet, withdrawn, anxious, behaving impeccably or she'll be an utter nightmare with unruly behaviour, rude and possibly aggressive. Again, this isn't something you are going to know until your daughter starts school. At this stage, I wouldn't panic. I d wait to see how the situation pans out. Your daughter may not even want to be friends with this child. As for children's parties etc, unless he's a single Dad, I don't see him hanging around soft play at a children's party.

Unfortunately he has been the cause of some anxiety for 3 years and I really don’t want to have to face him again in the playground when they finally have to move.

The school should be made aware in case the daughter's life is disrupted, say by the police doing their job and arresting him, or another drug dealer assaulting him or worse.

Regardless of your decision.

Absolutely not.

I did not want to home educate in the first place. I did it because my daughter was being failed by her old school and her mental health was suffering badly. It was a last resort, not a lifestyle choice.

I have gone out of my way to try to get her back into a school that felt right, near home, with the right environment for her. She is excited to go. So no, I am not “coming up with reasons.” I am dealing with a very real, very intimidating situation where a man who has screamed abuse at me in front of my children and has a history of violent threatening behaviour is now going to be part of our daily school environment.

That is not paranoia. That is protecting my child, something I would hope any parent would understand.

Thank you, this is exactly it.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

I know he definitely does the school run. Unfortunately we live in small town and I know he is on and off with child’s mum.

This, send your child to the school.
You are over thinking +++++++

Your neighbour is harassing you, OP. Keep a diary, record him if possible. Report him to the police

Clearly an unpopular opinion but I would look at other schools nearby and try and move her.

I think give it a try as your daughter appears to have settled on her trial day so well.

Yoi could send her to another school and there might be any combination of challenging kids in her class or unsavoury parents in the playground, you just wouldn't be aware of it in advance.