AIBU to not want to send my daughter to a school where my abusive drug dealing neighbour’s child will be in her class?

[Bambooparty]

Hi all, I could really use some advice or perspective because I’m feeling completely stuck.

Long story short, my daughter had an awful time at her old school. A combination of things made it unworkable. Her anxiety was through the roof and after being physically attacked multiple times and getting absolutely nowhere with the school, I made the decision to withdraw her and home educate for a while. It was honestly the best thing I could have done. She’s been happy, calm and content again, and I finally had my little girl back.

That said, I work from home and it has been stressful trying to juggle everything. I always knew it would be temporary and that she would need to go back into school eventually.

We moved house just as she started reception so there was already a bit of a commute to the old school. I decided to apply for a place at the nearest school to us. It’s walkable, starts a bit later, and is smaller which I liked. The vibe felt right and she seemed happy during her settling-in days. I was all set for her to start this September and felt like we’d turned a corner.

But here’s where things have gone wrong. Since we bought this house in the new area our lives have been made hell by the neighbours. They live in a converted semi that’s split into flats and it has been non-stop problems. Constant shouting, fights, drug use, heavy weed smell use, music blaring, shouting abuse out of windows, constant police at the door, just general nightmare behaviour.

Worse still, one of the people who basically lives there is a drug dealer. He is the most aggressive of them all. The police are finally getting involved now but for a long time the landlady did nothing and we’ve just been stuck living in fear. This man has screamed abuse at me in front of my children. Only on Saturday he called me a “fat c*” among other things when I left the house with the kids.

Now I’ve just found out that his daughter is going to be in the same class as mine in September.

I honestly feel sick. I do not want to be around this man at all. The thought of having to stand in the playground near him, or be at the same birthday parties or school events, makes me feel physically ill. He has been intimidating and vile towards me and I’m genuinely worried about what happens if there’s any kind of disagreement at school.

On top of that, I can’t help but worry that his awful behaviour may have had an influence on his child. I don’t know anything about her personally and of course it’s not her fault, but given everything we’ve been through already with my daughter’s previous school experience, I’m terrified of putting her back into a situation that could end up being toxic.

But I also don’t want to move my daughter again. She’s already had so much disruption and she was so happy at this school during the settling-in days. It felt like a fresh start for her and now I feel like it’s all falling apart.

It’s August, the schools are closed and I feel completely stuck. Do I just send her and hope for the best? Am I overthinking it? What would you do?

When school goes back in the Autumn term ask for a confidential meeting with the headteacher (who will also be the designated safeguarding lead) and explain your concerns. There may well already be things in place such senior staff duties on the playground before/after school that would help to reassure you.

Is another school a realistic option? Otherwise you’ll have to choose a lesser evel (homeschooling vs this school). Does he attack you for no reason and does he do it often? The police might well sort it out if they are beginning to get involved, but if it’s been a source of considerable anxiety for three years, is a house move a realistic option?

I think you should send her to school. There’s some parents I stay well clear of, but with 30 parents standing by the door it’s easy to not engage. And pick up times you got given a 10 min window, I’m normally the last to pick up so don’t see many people. I think it’s probably you being nervous about seeing him rather than how your DD will be. If she’s excited for school, support her and don’t let your feelings show or she’ll pick up on it.

To those who say the dad is unlikely to be involved in the school runs etc, that might not be the case. A drug dealer who lives locally to me was ALWAYS the one who did the school runs for his DD who was in the same class as my DD. His wife had a respectable job, he had time on his hands and could choose his own hours!

what do you think is going to happen on a playground full of other parents?

What if his child is lovely as another child in the class who's the local bank manager's daughter decides to make your kid's life difficult?

If you think about it you’re basically just worrying that there might be a not so nice kid at your daughter’s school. That’s a possibility whether it’s this guys kid or someone else’s.

try not to worry. She might be lovely and you can just ignore him on the playground. You never know, he might be alright

What do you mean 'he might be alright'?

He called her a fat cunt in the street the other day

It sounds as though he'll be either kicked out of his house or sent to prison over the next few years OP. He will have far more enemies than just you, so try not to worry about it.

Having had a very similar neighbour, I can say that the poor child will not be ok. I would not send my child to the school and I would seek to move.

Another point of view. I know everyone is concerned if there is an argument or upset in the school with the kids that then causes issues with the parents, but what happens if your kids become best friends? They live next door to each other and could get along like a house on fire. Great for your DD but also horrible. You can't allow her on play dates to the fathers house, would you feel comfortable having his DD at your house and him potentially coming to pick her up? People in this situation normally exchange contact numbers too 😐
No advice, just a thought.
I would send my child to that school, but beyond that, you really have no control over how this is going to play out unfortunately x

This guy abuses you already - as your neighbour.

So either he’s going to do it anyway - in which case you’ll have witnesses which will help your case - or he’ll be as nice as pie in front of others to gaslight you.

Id let your DD start the school and speak to the HT/safeguarding lead about what you know about this little girls home life.

How awful. Unfortunately there is going to be hideous people in every school you go to, its the way our country is becoming. Neglectful parents train neglect, it carries on through generations and is spreading.

Is a house move doable? I’m just thinking if you don’t have to deal with him outside of school then short encounters at school might feel more manageable.
im absolutely not saying that flippantly like it’s an easy thing and im guessing it’s a no or you might have moved by now already, just a question if it’s an option at all for your own sanity.
how old is your child?
im sorry OP, sounds like you’ve got high stress from a couple of angles here 😕 you need to balance what is feasibly ok for you to cope with on both fronts as in home schooling and encounters with the abusive scum bag neighbour.
how would it sit with you to try and term and see how it goes knowing that if it is unmanageable you make other arrangements?

How old is your daughter?
You have lived here for over 3 years, and your daughter started reception elsewhere? So, if you are now year 4, parties become smaller, and drop and run. Kids start walking to/from school. The amount of parental input at school becomes smaller.
I'd go for it.

I can understand your concerns op and I think they’re perfectly valid.
The reality is though that you can’t control who goes to school with your child, and you won’t now most of the parents when they do go. My sons go to a lovely primary school, a pair of questionable parents in my younger sons years who I keep my distance from… that’s could happen at any school.
its up to you where your child goes to school, but you have no control who goes there or when they choose to make friends with.

I don't think the Bank Manager parent would be screaming that I;m a Fat C as I left the house though

Edited as "C" word not specified , I just chose the worst one !

Your dd is excited to go, so doing anything other than sending her is going to be very confusing and upsetting for her. The dad will not be allowed to abuse you or your child at the school gates, if he does you can report it to the school and he will end up banned. Don't let this man prevent your dd from attending a school she is looking forward to going to.