How to make my partner miss/appreciate me more?

[Waspshaveavendetta]

It's only been 1.5 years but I feel like he's getting a bit complacent. The relationship has been great, we don't argue and things just feel easy which is a nice change.

I know this probably sounds like I'm being manipulative and game-playing, but I've had men just suddenly go off me in the past and I'm scared.

I'm always reliable, dependable, I text back, I make myself available (don't live together yet but making plans to) I've noticed the affection has died down slightly though that may be the honeymoon period ending?

I just feel like I'm maybe too predictable and routine?

I think you need to concentrate more on self love, become the person you are happy with because it's you, not because you're trying to be the person you think they will love/want.

you can't influence how other people feel, you can only control how you react to their actions.

I know what you mean, I think i am good enough but I feel like they always want someone who's a bit meaner? I know that sounds ridiculous but I think there is some truth in the treat them mean thing.
His last relationship was with someone who was apparently very toxic, but they were engaged and together 7 years, and it ended because she broke up with him.

What you need is a therapist. YOu have a good relationship that appears to be going well and you want to make it more volatile? Why?

"Affection" is less? In any relationship the loved up, constant cuddling/touching/sex phase eases up after a while. what's more important is whether you're getting the affection and attention you want, and the same for him.

Not volatile, and i certainly don't want to argue I just want to make sure I am appreciated, I've had guys in the past tell me it was 'too easy' and I was 'too nice' and they needed a challenge.

I know they were just immature but I suppose it's stuck in my mind a bit. They always complain about these apparently toxic women but they never broke up with them, it was always the women who dumped them.

Maybe you become a bit suffocating and needy. I don’t mean to sound rude. The way you write just comes across that way.

You can’t make someone appreciate you or miss you. They either will or won’t.

Possibly, but I dont know, I often wait for him to message me, I don't usually text more than a couple of times a day and we see each other a couple of times a week, so I dont know

What is it exactly that has changed? What specifically are you wanting from him?

Just feels like he was more romantic previously and now less fussed, doesn't seem unhappy or distant just less romantic, though maybe that's just the order of things

I think you're thinking far too much about him and his needs and not enough about you and yours. It's all about him and how he sees you. You need to get to a point where you're not thinking about this at all and probably therapy is the way to get there.

There's two really important reasons for this:

• You're framing everything in your life around him. That's not healthy for you because it means you're constantly shaping yourself to fit another person. It will lower your sense of self-esteem and agency. This isn't just about your relationship, it's much broader than that. It's about knowing who you are and what your needs are (as opposed to what someone needs from you).
• When people bend over backwards to accomodate someone else's needs in a relationship it ultimately becomes very stifling and a turn off. You say that his last partner was "mean"... obviously I don't know her but it may be that she just had a bit more of a backbone and knew herself. Being a people pleaser usually drives people away because when you're with people like this you feel you never know who they really are. This isn't the main reason: the main reason is for you to be comfortable with yourself. But as an aside, this may be why you feel he's a bit over complacent.

Get some therapy/counselling to work out why you're centring someone else in your own life. It's a very high risk strategy and will ultimately diminish you.

Maybe he's just bored of having to do all the work?

This makes sense..I don't think she was mean I mean i don't even know her, he just used to tell me a lot she was really mean and treated him very badly but to be fair some of the stuff did sound toxic.
But then I wonder why stay for so long though and get engaged though maybe that's unfair of me to say.

I don't think he does all the work, I mean I suggest plenty of stuff and we pay for things equally. Maybe I just need to go on a little holiday on my own or something.. just don't really have the leave allowance or finances to do so atm!

End it. If this is what it's like 1.5 years in, then it's not looking good.

@Waspshaveavendetta

This makes sense..I don't think she was mean I mean i don't even know her, he just used to tell me a lot she was really mean and treated him very badly but to be fair some of the stuff did sound toxic.
But then I wonder why stay for so long though and get engaged though maybe that's unfair of me to say.

You don't and can't ever know what really went on in their relationship. You'll only get his highly varnished account of it which he'll have edited to suit his own narrative. There's no value whatsoever in trying to compare yourself to her.

My point was more than you're giving far far too much control in the relationship to him and his needs. People who centre others at the expense of themselves give off a certain "neediness" which makes them much weaker in the relationship. You will almost certainly find the less you think and worry about this, the more attentive he will become. Not because you're being "mean" but because you're projecting a sense of strength and independence.

That's not the main reason not to do it: the main reason is to regain your self esteem. But it strikes me from your post that you are overthinking this and therefore giving him far too much power. Which is why I think therapy would help this.

Honestly maybe this is an unpopular opinion but what you really want & need in a long term relationship IS a bit of predictability and routine. In the beginning the chase & the angst can be exciting but believe me when I say long term, especially when we’re talking house, marriage, kids, you don’t want a partner who causes you additional stress- you want one you can count on.

But he told me stuff like she would try to stop him seeing friends and family and pressured him into a lot of stuff, had an emotional affair with another man too apparently? None of that is me and I would never treat anyone like that, I just never understand why these things go on for so long then they meet someone who they find it easy and healthy with and quickly get bored...

How old are you?

But why are you worrying so much about what he's told you she did in a previous relationship?

It's in the past, you weren't involved and it has no bearing whatsoever on your current relationship.

Thanks I'll look at therapy but I'm already saving for other stuff and it'll just be another thing to add. I don't get anything through my job and I mean I could look if im eligible for anything else.

I just don't know what to do to regain power as such. Next week I'm just planning things for myself and focusing on me.

I know, I mean it just frustrates me because I saw this with an ex too, they complain about their so called toxic exes yet they happily stayed in the relationship for years and didn't leave them, then when they meet someone who they can have a healthy relationship with they just take it all for granted.

This is not his past relationship and it's not one of your past relationships, so there's no point in looking backwards.

As a PP said, he'll either appreciate you or he won't. If he eventually doesn't, or he finds the real you boring and predictable, then you need to split up if it gets to that point.

But what you can't do, is orchestrate what may/may not happen in the future.

It does come across as manipulative and game-playing.

The point of a relationship is that it's easy and you don't have to put effort in constantly. You seem to think there's something wrong with that.

Yeah I get that its expensive.

In the short term I think you need to start thinking about your needs and what you want to do and try to minimise the noise in your brain about what he wants. Try to do things for you without worrying about him etc. Tune out that voice that says he doesn't appreciate you.

Ultimately he either does or he doesn't. Nothing you do will influence this. If he doesn't appreciate you then he's not worth it and you'll be better off without him.

But tying yourself up in knots worrying about this certainly won't push him to appreciate you more. If anything it's more likely to push him away.

This is an excellent answer, read it again and again!

OP you need to focus on what you want. Be excited about your interests, hobbies and career. Stop making your life a function of someone else's.

What is he doing that leads you to describe him as getting complacent? 18 months in this all sounds very hard work. If he makes you happy carry on. If he doesn't, move on.