How to make my partner miss/appreciate me more?

[Waspshaveavendetta]

It's only been 1.5 years but I feel like he's getting a bit complacent. The relationship has been great, we don't argue and things just feel easy which is a nice change.

I know this probably sounds like I'm being manipulative and game-playing, but I've had men just suddenly go off me in the past and I'm scared.

I'm always reliable, dependable, I text back, I make myself available (don't live together yet but making plans to) I've noticed the affection has died down slightly though that may be the honeymoon period ending?

I just feel like I'm maybe too predictable and routine?

Also, if he stayed in a toxic relationship for years, it may well turn out that he does miss the drama and on/off nonsense and might find a steady reliable relationship dull. But that's not on you to sort out, that's for him to acknowledge and have some therapy and if he doesn't then run a mile. Why on earth would you want to recreate drama to keep a man who can't be happy in a healthy relationship?

What will be will be, you need to just carry on being yourself and not change who you are.
My ex fiance had had drama filled relationships with his exes, ours was easy going and he said it was nice being with someone with out all the drama.
He suddenly went off me, left me for someone filled with drama although it didn't last, obviously liked it.
It sucks, I know, but you can't let it change you. Talk to him. It sounds a great relationship, maybe message more or reach out first. Flirt, plan dates.
It's supposed to be easy with little arguing.
Spend time doing your own hobbies as well as spending time with him, learn to love yourself.
I am with someone else now also, hard as it is you can't let the past take over your life much as you had painful times.

You'd think at 35 they'd be over all the drama, I'd understand this for a 20 year old, but hey whatever.

What is he actually doing? What has changed?

Those guys were arseholes and obviously Exes, if you are happy with your boyfriend you.dont need to be "a challange:.

There is truth to men preferring a 'difficult' woman. I think it is the sense of having to work to please her that appeals. But the person above who talks about backbone and the issues with people pleasers nails it. I have found I do better at work, with friends and with my husband when I'm more assertive and actually ask for what I want. It's a skill you have to learn over time.

Hopefully I'll get better at it, i just don't know where to start.

You still haven’t answered what it is you are wanting that you are not getting. Honestly I think this is all on you. You don’t sound like an adult you sound like a teenager.

Well you were helpful but that was rude, I have answered but that's just unkind so please dont comment anymore.

No worries. I don’t think I was being rude, I was being honest in how you are coming across.
I apologise that I have come across that way and if I have upset you.

Instead of trying to ‘regain power’ you could try communicating with him. Ask him how he thinks it’s going, suggest how you feel that you could improve the relationship (but don’t say by being meaner).

You don’t mention love at all. Why is that?

Are you a lot younger than him?

Have you had any long term relationships?

You do sound very young, OP, and I don't mean that unkindly. It's just that wanting to pretend to be something you're not to try to get someone to miss you or whatever is quite an immature approach to a relationship. Why don't you just speak to him, tell him how you feel? Be honest, assertive, adult - don't play a game.

Agree with therapy. Put yourself first. A healthy relationship should be stable and easy and neither of you should take each other for granted. If its like this after 1.5 years I don't think he's the one for you.

Urgh, couldn't be bothered with this. If he wants someone 'meaner' more fool him; let him go find someone meaner.

ETA - sorry, I sent this without reading all your comments so I would add; you are looking at this situation through the wrong lens.

You are thinking - "what game can I play to stop these men going off me?"

When you should be thinking, "Do I want to be with someone where I need to play games to keep them interested?"

Be yourself, if the relationship is good enough, stay, if it's not, leave.

I’m not sure that you have been clear. You’ve said you feel he is less romantic and that you want to regain the power.

In what ways has his behaviour changed?

What power? power to do what?

Hi OP, I think routine and being dependable is no bad thing. Perhaps your partner is more comfortable in your company now as you are reliable and what you see as less romantic is him relaxing because he trusts you. It does not necessarily spell disaster, your relationship is perhaps entering a new phase. 1.5 years in is enough time for mundane day to day domestic life to creep in and have a bit of a dampening effect on romance (work/ household chores/ bills/ life stresses and admin etc).

From what you’ve written about his previous relationship he is probably relieved to be with someone trustworthy. Unlikely he has fully healed yet either from the emotional trauma, the effect of which will likely show up in different ways and take time to process. It is also natural for relationships to progress beyond the chase and impress stage with big romantic gestures, although work is needed on both sides to avoid it dropping the other way into complacency/ taking each other for granted.

Avoid leaning on him hard with the insecurities and anxieties you describe as it may push him away but consider therapy and have a think about what makes you happy a) in yourself and b) in a relationship. Try and make more time and space for the things you enjoy and focus on the positives in your relationship. Work to nurture those things that brought you together in the first place and what you genuinely like and appreciate about each other.

I follow a bit of a principle that if affection is lacking I try to be more present and show more care ie hugs and kisses, making a cuppa, stroking DC back when he’s had a hard day etc and he does the same for me. It is easy for us to get a bit stuck in our hectic family life (two small DC) and easy for the hugs and affection to drop away when we’re stretched and exhausted, but even a bit of loving contact, recognising your partner and appreciating them in that moment can go a long way.

Sorry, DH not DC! 😅