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Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feel like my ex is dictating everything

34 replies

ThisOpal · 01/08/2025 06:22

Hi bit long winded but I’m mum of 2 (teen ) and my 3year old, the father to my 3 year old and I have been split for over 2 years , due to binge drinking and his behaviour (long story short)
after the break up there was controlling and threatening behaviour I was granted a court order for 12 months (ran out now) my ex would take my son and never let me know how long he was having him wouldn’t give him back or just generally mess about too long to go in to
he will never agree on set days as he says he works so a lot of time he just gets him and when I ask when is he home he just says he’s keeping him for few days or when my 3 year old wants to come home , in past he often says he will go for custody full time he’s better off etc he prefers being with his dad he says.
my 3 year old really plays up when he comes home n uses bad language even calling me names that daddy has said n the last few times always says he wants his dad , dad takes him camping , fishing bikes and it’s amazing for my son he never stops
I feel like I’ve got no control over my son and I don’t know when he’s getting him or when am having him until , my ex has said when he gets somewhere he wants him more and I can just live my life and Iv already got a child ..it upsets me all of a sudden my toddler doesn’t want me , he knocks to collect clothes with him and my toddler won’t even look at me , and I don’t know if I just feel like am being selfish or if I should just go along , but everything is on his terms n am so emotional

OP posts:

Undethetree · 01/08/2025 06:30

Go to court and get the custody in writing. Record everytime your ex doesn't abide by the court order.

Only communicate with him via a solicitor or a court app like Talking Parents.

Take control of this, you can!

Notanartist81 · 01/08/2025 06:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

ThisOpal · 01/08/2025 06:51

my sons in private nursery so he will just go and collect him from the nursery , he will sometimes have him 3 or 4 nights(in past up to 11days) but then he might go missing for a bit , he rarely gives me a day he will be home just says until my son wants to come home , and now he’s saying he wants a place he’s entitled to one as he has my son majority of time

OP posts:

Eenameenadeeka · 01/08/2025 07:02

Sounds like you really need to go to court and get it sorted

RandomMess · 01/08/2025 07:07

This is why you get court ordered agreement, your DS needs a routine.

I’m unsure if you can ask to have a penal order attached from the get go but that means the police could arrest him for failure to return your son as per the CAO.

Can you currently evidence you are the primary carer- receive CB, take him to the majority of health appointments, pay for nursery and liaise with them etc?

Move communication to a court approved parenting app. Ask him to go to mediation. Put in writing always from the point of view what is best for your DC and appropriate for his age. That he needs to see both of you regularly and there needs to be routine. You can suggest shared parenting of 60:40 to you so share weekends etc again he won’t agree but it shows a paper trail that you are reasonable.

Does he have family looking after him? You can include that whilst it’s good for DS to spend time with his paternal family it shouldn’t be to the detriment of his relationship with you.

Does he take him to nursery? If so you can collect him from there. If not you include that it’s detrimental to DS to miss nursery on many consecutive days.

Next time he takes and withholds him you apply for an emergency court hearing to establish as primary parent (not sure of the correct current term) and have him returned to you.

Beamur · 01/08/2025 07:10

Court order.

Original poster

ThisOpal · 01/08/2025 07:12

Thankyou. In my mind I know it’s the right route , but then I see my son wanting his dad and I just feel guilty or selfish and seem to forget the past it’s been horrendous ,

OP posts:

Zanatdy · 01/08/2025 07:13

Just because he works doesn’t mean he can’t stick to a schedule. Go back to court and get a set pattern. Don’t let him carry on like this with no idea when he will return.

Original poster

ThisOpal · 01/08/2025 07:16

But I know it’s important for my son I want him to have a healthy relationship with his dad but routines are important I think asking him when he wants to see him or when he wants to come or what he wants to do is just too young isn’t it ?

OP posts:

ComfortFoodCafe · 01/08/2025 07:19

Go to court and get it in writing. If toddler doesnt look at you sounds like hes being abusive to the toddler and saying things.

Original poster

ThisOpal · 01/08/2025 07:20

I know , he’s pressuring me to say he lives with him full custody so he can get housing he says it’s not fair he should be entitled to housing if he minds my son ( he earns good money but says he shouldn’t have to spend on renting ) so my mind is thinking I need to go to court it’s all a lot 😩

OP posts:

Meadowfinch · 01/08/2025 07:23

Go back to court, get set days agreed, then I would change nursery, and have your ex collect your child from home.

Wish44 · 01/08/2025 07:24

The hard work now for court wil be worth it once there is an order in place and you can build a schedule. This will also be better for your child. Who yes is too young to decide where they should be.

you can apply online yourself and do not need a solicitor ( though it’s best to have one for court)

do it op. This man is ruining your child.

good luck

Comtesse · 01/08/2025 07:29

ThisOpal · 01/08/2025 07:20

Do not say he lives with your ex for ANY reason. That could come and back and bite you.

Original poster

ThisOpal · 01/08/2025 07:33

Thankyou I just feel helpless I know my son loves his dad and I’ve tried to put it off for so long but I feel like my son is so different when he comes back and his little head must be so confused , I had to go to court over his controlling and abusive behaviour towards me , but I will begin the process I’ve got to I just wanted advise from someone looking in as sometimes I think is it just me

OP posts:

Original poster

ThisOpal · 01/08/2025 07:35

no he doesn’t live with my ex for no reason , I work and have put him in nursery days I work , he being nice asking me and as soon as I said I won’t be lying and saying he lives with you he called me all kinds and threatened me

OP posts:

Notanartist81 · 01/08/2025 07:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Digitalhen · 01/08/2025 08:06

You say you want your son to have a healthy relationship with his father. Do you want him to have a healthy relationship with you too? If your son is calling you names he hears from his dad it’s not a healthy relationship dynamic. It’s not respectful to you as his mother in any way. You as his mother have the right to say to the nursery you are collecting him. Please get some legal advice if your ex cannot stick to a regular healthy agreed upon joint schedule. Children need regular reliable schedules and predictability to thrive. The whims and wants of fun times by a child isn’t providing what they truly need. Are you sure those days missing are not the binge drinking episodes you describe? That your son is now part of? Is that a possibility?

Original poster

ThisOpal · 01/08/2025 08:09

there are no set days , sometimes in past he can go weeks without seeing him , the last few weeks he asks for him and then will just say il have him until he wants to go home or collect from nursery and keep him off the majority and say he’s taking him away or out etc , it’s hard to trust him because in past I’ve asked for him back and he will refuse or so he’s away there’s so much to go in to I ask for set days but he can’t give as he says work and he doesn’t have a permanent home so I’ve just gone along but im finding it difficult , he’s saying when he gets a place he wants him more so am not sure how this would work in court ?

OP posts:

BlueMum16 · 01/08/2025 08:30

Just go to court. Get some set days. If you ex can accommodate 50:50 then your DC will have routine and access to both parents equally.

If ex can't manage 50:50 right now you and your DC will have set arrangements.

Stop dithering and take some control back.

Digitalhen · 01/08/2025 08:31

He doesn’t have a place to live to bring up your son? But you do?

Do you have anyone irl to seek help and advice from?

This sounds like an awful situation for you to be in, I’m sorry, you must miss your son .

Notanartist81 · 01/08/2025 08:42

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

RandomMess · 01/08/2025 10:38

Not having a home is going to prevent him having overnight contact. He’ll have to spend some £ and rent at least a room somewhere.

You can ask the police to do welfare checks if he takes him without your permission from nursery especially as you have no idea of where he is taking and keeping your son.

Do you have his car registration?

No wonder your DS is very distressed when he returns he finally feels safe.

thepariscrimefiles · 01/08/2025 10:47

ThisOpal · 01/08/2025 07:20

It sounds like parental alienation on his part if your toddler is coming home parroting phrases about you that his dad has said.

Definitely speak to a solicitor and a charity such as Rights of Women. Men like your ex will use their children and custody arrangement to continue their abuse of their ex-partners. That seems to be what your ex is doing.

You need a CAO where access arrangements are set out and agreed. If he then breaks them, you can take him to court.

TreeDudette · 01/08/2025 10:53

Go to court - that's the answer, it's the only answer. Go to court.

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