Feel like my ex is dictating everything

[ThisOpal]

Hi bit long winded but I’m mum of 2 (teen ) and my 3year old, the father to my 3 year old and I have been split for over 2 years , due to binge drinking and his behaviour (long story short)
after the break up there was controlling and threatening behaviour I was granted a court order for 12 months (ran out now) my ex would take my son and never let me know how long he was having him wouldn’t give him back or just generally mess about too long to go in to
he will never agree on set days as he says he works so a lot of time he just gets him and when I ask when is he home he just says he’s keeping him for few days or when my 3 year old wants to come home , in past he often says he will go for custody full time he’s better off etc he prefers being with his dad he says.
my 3 year old really plays up when he comes home n uses bad language even calling me names that daddy has said n the last few times always says he wants his dad , dad takes him camping , fishing bikes and it’s amazing for my son he never stops
I feel like I’ve got no control over my son and I don’t know when he’s getting him or when am having him until , my ex has said when he gets somewhere he wants him more and I can just live my life and Iv already got a child ..it upsets me all of a sudden my toddler doesn’t want me , he knocks to collect clothes with him and my toddler won’t even look at me , and I don’t know if I just feel like am being selfish or if I should just go along , but everything is on his terms n am so emotional

Thankyou for all your support , your right I am dithering and I’m just going along with it I wanted court as a last resort ! I applied for child maintenance and he threatened me he had previously damaged my vehicle (hence injunction ) and says he takes him out and spend on him so that’s fine n he lives between mum n dads
its the whole control your right and uses my son I do feel like he’s trying to alienate him from me , he’s blaming me saying why should he pay out for a property when he has him 50/50 he should get help when nothing is official it’s just a mess court is only solution THANKYOU

he’d damaged my car previously an I couldn’t be bothered with the stress n threats , they couldn’t find him as his parents said he doesn’t live there after numerous attempts

my priority is getting some routine in my sons life not about money I’ve tried his way and it’s not working

Hi sorry about the confusion , he’s living at his parents house but is going on saying he thinks he’s entitled to a place because he has him 50 50 when he makes decisions on when he just gets him , I’ve mentioned us going to court he said doesn’t need to be involved, he’s happy with just getting him when he wants and it’s my child decision and obviously I’ve just gone along but I’m seeing the affects now , I’ve been thinking things will be different when he goes to school it will get better but the way he’s talking about getting a place and wanting him more I just think he’s planning on keeping him longer , it’s so hard to explain and sometimes i don’t know if am doing the right thing , he’s not been the easiest to co parent with it’s always so up n down , he’s ok when things are going his way

Op read up on parallel parenting. That’s your best bet with an abuser, not co parenting.

And do go back to court. It sounds like he is using your son to get council housing. And then what? It’s very likely he will just ditch him. That will be so confusing for your son. Your son deserves stability and you are the only parent who is putting your sons interests first

Please go to court and get this in place before you have to apply for school places i assume next year?

He is messing you about with days trying to take primary custody which will then give him child benefit and cms from you ... yes that's where he is heading. I assume he's wanting council housing... defianteky a child will help with that but if he is working he will have to pay- unless of course it is under the table...

Your kid is suffering from the uncertainty. Of course if dad is saying so you want to go back to mums or go fishing tomorrow he's going to say fishing. He says he wants to go to mum - oh shall we go to mcdonalds.... over and over until in the end he says no I want mum. The poor kid is probably being told you dont want him hence the bad words - wha5 is that doing to him?

Court will give him a routine. It will squash the idea of him getting a house if you get anything other than 50/50 and secures your cb and cms. It also means you can stop him from taking him from nursery and later school as and when he fancies - which is really damaging.

Go to court. Sort things out for you and your son.

Thankyou littleowl153 you’ve broke it down to what I was thinking , don’t think there’s another way I will be applying for a child arrangement order I am going to also seek some advice , he words it in a way where am wanting routine for me he always says stop thinking about you and your selfish but I don’t think routine is selfish , I feel slowly my son will drift away so it’s giving me the push