Teen called out other teen … AIBU to think they were right.

[broadmoon]

My 15 year old daughter called her 16 year old cousin greedy in a mean tone.
My dilemma is that her cousin actually is greedy and very mean with her money, yet expects and accepts everyone else to share and buy her stuff but never returns the favour.
claims she can’t afford to despite having plenty of pocket money.
I was embarrassed but my daughter is not lying but it was the argument that I’m embarrassed about. She was very mean spirited in her tone.
fThis week for example her cousin bought herself some sweets and nothing for my daughter yet would have a stroppy fit of the same was done to her.
I also bought lots of meals and drinks for my niece in law and she always chose the most expensive things. Again, won’t buy those for herself nor others who are generous to her.
I feel
proud of my Daughter for finally speaking g the truth and calling her out when yet again she refused to share anything but unhappy with the way she expressed herself( it was an argument that her cousin flatly tried to get out of and shout down)
AIBU to feel like this?

No

I think your daughter was rude, and I think it's insane for you to expect a 16 year old to reciprocate buying meals.

Fair enough for your dd to call her cousin out on unreasonable behaviour, but I wouldn't personally be proud if she did this in a manner that was mean.

My dd is no doormat and will absolutely say what she needs to say. I'm proud of her for doing this when she is able to express her thoughts honestly but kindly.

To clarify , I’m proud she called her out but not in the manner she did. When my daughter asked for a snack that her cousin bought for herself, she flatly refused and that’s when the disagreement began . Bearing in mind that my daughter always offers around if she has a snack

I do t expect recuperating of meals. I expect she will order average priced meals and drinks not the most expensive , when all others do not do that.

I think encouraging negative relationships between cousins is weird. 16 year olds are often a bit selfish it's not the end of the world

Don’t get involved. Your daughter is allowed to speak her mind and her cousin has obviously annoyed her. What exactly happened and what did she say?

I can’t stand mean and greedy people btw so hopefully your niece has taken stock of what was said to her.

I think that's on you tbh. She may be used to ordering whatever she wants, and it doesn't sound like you asked her to limit it. Just tell her what you're prepared to spend.

I don't really understand being proud of your dd for saying something in a mean way. If she wasn't able to say it nicely, then it would have been better to have said nothing at all.

It doesn't sound like you or your dd like this niece very much, so maybe it's better not to spend time with her.

Agree with the previous poster, don't get involved. Leave them to it. Your daughter is allowed to speak the truth. I cannot stand mean people either!

Encouraging negative relationships ???

Your daughter was rude to her cousin. Whether it’s true or not, doesn’t make that ok. If your daughter wants to raise something, she should choose her words more carefully rather than speak in a mean spirited tone.

If you call someone fat/small/ignorant etc in a mean tone, it doesn’t magically become ok because it’s true. I suspect you know that already!

Sometimes people hit their limit… I don’t think your daughter was in the wrong and sometimes it takes a stern or mean tone to get the point across.

I’m going to go out on a limb and think you avoid confrontation?

You lost me at neice in law

Yeah, I found that weird too.

Agree with your DD objecting, however you can use it as a way to introduce diplomacy as it were. People who will never agree they are wrong use the manner in which something is said as a defence mechanism.

I think though she called her greedy over food - I would make that as a comment about ehr eating and her weight which i would not tolerate

I’ve taught my DD to learn to find ways to say what she thinks (1) if it’s necessary (2) as kindly as possible (3) by removing any emotion/heat. It’s not easy, this is a skill many adults don’t possess. But she’s getting there.

I think your DD was within her rights to say something, but she should be learning to say something like “ordinarily I would but I’m not happy sharing with you when you never share with me. It makes me feel used”, or something like that.

As for ordering the most expensive thing: I would say nothing to anyone, just point it out to DH as she’s his sibling’s child. This isn’t for you to get involved in. I told my DC never to do this, always go for middle of the range when someone else is paying.

I’m going to have a talk with her when I get time today about how she spoke to her. It was horrible but also explain that she was right to acknowledge the meanest and her consistent lack of sharing but also overtaking from others.

It's two teenagers bickering. Just leave them to it. They're not five and you don't need get involved.

They are old enough to sort it out themselves, leave them to it. And what is this "neice in law" thing?

She is the daughter of my husbands brothers sister partner. Thanks. They are again laughing and having fun so I expect it’s all forgotten for them but I do need to talk to my own daughter about the way she spoke.

Sister was a typo !

If someone is penny pinching at the expense of another person, it should be addressed, but there is a better way than blurting it during an argument.

Agree totally. It was the tone of my daughter I was appalled at

I wouldn't like that she used greedy over selfish or stingy or something, given they were talking about food. Isnt it also rude to have asked for it?? You say neice didn't offer but your daughter always does... surely your daughter just stops then 🤷‍♀️
I might think someones a bit stingy, but I still wouldn't ask if they didn't offer.