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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is it me

30 replies

Horsewench · 30/07/2025 23:04

My children said they didn't visit as they didn't like my husband. We have seperated but I still don't get any visits. Daughter lives 15 mins away by car but expects me to go to her which is a 2 hour bus journey (3 buses). I've recently come out of hospital but no one has come near me and im struggling to cope. Im guessing what they said about hubby was just an excuse and it's really me they don't want to see. All I do is sit indoors and cry

OP posts:
SriouslyWhutNow · 30/07/2025 23:08

How long were you together? What age were the children? Could it be that they are upset with you for choosing him over them even though they told you they disliked him so much that they wouldn't visit you while you were with him (which should have been your cue to choose them)? You haven't shown them that you put them first for however long that was, it's going to take time to repair that.

BunnyRuddington · 30/07/2025 23:10

I’m sorry that you’ve been in Hospital avd you’re feeling rough. Have you got friends who call or visit you?

Toddytoddyrumskin · 30/07/2025 23:11

I’m so sad for you, sending love and hugs. ❤️‍🩹

CarpetKnees · 30/07/2025 23:59

I'm sorry you've had to be in hospital and that you are feeling so low.

Without the full story, none of us can know about your relationship with your adult dc.

Perhaps for now, reach out to friends, and then, once you are feeling stronger reflect upon why it might be that your dc don't want to visit you.

Horsewench · 31/07/2025 00:20

BunnyRuddington · 30/07/2025 23:10

I’m sorry that you’ve been in Hospital avd you’re feeling rough. Have you got friends who call or visit you?

No. I speak to my neighbour but that's all

OP posts:
Horsewench · 31/07/2025 00:20

CarpetKnees · 30/07/2025 23:59

I'm sorry you've had to be in hospital and that you are feeling so low.

Without the full story, none of us can know about your relationship with your adult dc.

Perhaps for now, reach out to friends, and then, once you are feeling stronger reflect upon why it might be that your dc don't want to visit you.

No. I speak to my neighbour but that's all

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 31/07/2025 00:24

If you were with your husband for a long time, the kids will just be used to not coming. If they didn’t like him and 15 years has gone by, they won’t be like ‘Yay, horrible Richard has buggered off now we’ll see Mum every week’. Too much water has gone under the bridge, they have different priorities.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 31/07/2025 00:25

Can you ask social services for a needs assessment? Perhaps contact your GP and say you're struggling to cope. Samaritans are available 24/7.

Horsewench · 31/07/2025 00:29

We was together for 20 years. We moved 200 miles away then my daughter came to live with us. I don't have any friends here. Maybe it is me. I've gone over it so many times and can only conclude no one really likes me. Maybe everyone is better not knowing me anymore. I went through a women's aid charity for help with husband and according to them I was being emotionally abused by him which is why we're now seperated. I freely admit I wasn't the best mum, I didn't abuse my kids but I guess I wasn't there for them enough. I was a single mum for 14 years so they got used to only having me.

OP posts:
Horsewench · 31/07/2025 00:31

MiloMinderbinder925 · 31/07/2025 00:25

Can you ask social services for a needs assessment? Perhaps contact your GP and say you're struggling to cope. Samaritans are available 24/7.

Im trying to claim PIP and other health benefits atm but not getting anywhere.

OP posts:
Horsewench · 31/07/2025 00:35

SriouslyWhutNow · 30/07/2025 23:08

How long were you together? What age were the children? Could it be that they are upset with you for choosing him over them even though they told you they disliked him so much that they wouldn't visit you while you were with him (which should have been your cue to choose them)? You haven't shown them that you put them first for however long that was, it's going to take time to repair that.

20 years . My youngest is in her 30s now.

OP posts:
MiloMinderbinder925 · 31/07/2025 00:35

Horsewench · 31/07/2025 00:31

Im trying to claim PIP and other health benefits atm but not getting anywhere.

I don't know your circumstances but sometimes a charity associated with your illness can give benefits advice. If not, here's a list of places that might be able to help: https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/benefits/problems-with-benefits/where-to-get-help-and-advice-about-benefits

TheFoz · 31/07/2025 00:45

Does your children have family of their own?

Have you specifically asked them for help?

Isittimeformynapyet · 31/07/2025 01:00

Have you told your adult children that you have regrets over your parenting? That you'd like the opportunity to make amends?

If they spent 20 years building up their resilience to cope with your indifference towards them they won't be able to just switch it off.

mathanxiety · 31/07/2025 01:10

Horsewench · 31/07/2025 00:29

We was together for 20 years. We moved 200 miles away then my daughter came to live with us. I don't have any friends here. Maybe it is me. I've gone over it so many times and can only conclude no one really likes me. Maybe everyone is better not knowing me anymore. I went through a women's aid charity for help with husband and according to them I was being emotionally abused by him which is why we're now seperated. I freely admit I wasn't the best mum, I didn't abuse my kids but I guess I wasn't there for them enough. I was a single mum for 14 years so they got used to only having me.

All of you are now experiencing the fallout of the abuse he inflicted on you.

None of the relationships in the family are immune to abuse even if the primary target is just one individual. Abuse poisons all relationships, and sad to say, it can be especially toxic to relationships between the abused parent and the children.

You and your children need to start working on healing. Have you ever had a conversation of any depth with them about their experience of living in a home where emotional abuse was present?

PinkCampervan · 31/07/2025 01:25

Horsewench · 31/07/2025 00:31

Im trying to claim PIP and other health benefits atm but not getting anywhere.

This has nothing to do with asking for a needs assessment from social services. If you're recently out of hospital and struggling sufficiently with daily life you perhaps will qualify for a care package via social services. This is totally separate to anything to do with claiming benefits.

Contact citizens advice for help with claiming benefits if necessary. Are you of working age? Have you been disabled for a while now or is it new? Are you claiming universal credit or do you have a job? Stressful financial circumstances will be making everything else feel worse overall.

You "weren't the best mum"

Well there it is. You weren't adequate as a parent and now they're not the best, most dutiful, children towards you. If H emotionally abused you, he probably did it to them too and by not leaving him, you enabled it. That's not necessarily something you can fix after the event, they're not obligated to forgive you. They've forged their lives without the support they could have had from someone who was the best mum. Now you're having to forge your life without your children's support as you age.

None of this is to say you're a terrible person who everyone dislikes. It's harder to make friends as an adult anyway. It will put people off you though if you appear to be on a downer the whole time. Obviously this thread is just a snapshot of time and perhaps your just having a bad day and aren't like this all the time. Two things that might apply: healthy people shy away from needy people (because they tend to drag them down) and if you're a people -pleaser you'll attract people who just want to use you. Work on yourself if you need to.

Emotional abuse takes time to recover from, a long time sometimes. Have you had any help with that? From women's aid? From some type of therapy? You sound lost. Maybe you're in need of some help to move forward and rebuild your life as a single woman who's children have long since moved out. The empty nest phase of life can be difficult for people with ordinary lives and healthy marriages, never mind on top of the kind of life you've had. There's no shame in needing help.

It does suck being unwell when you live alone and there's nobody to even make you a cuppa. Maybe you can look at your home when you're well again and see if there's changes you can make to set things up better so it still is functional when you're unwell. Lots of people live alone and don't have the type of close relationships where anyone is going to visit them to help when they're unwell. People find ways to manage.

Horsewench · 31/07/2025 02:07

PinkCampervan · 31/07/2025 01:25

This has nothing to do with asking for a needs assessment from social services. If you're recently out of hospital and struggling sufficiently with daily life you perhaps will qualify for a care package via social services. This is totally separate to anything to do with claiming benefits.

Contact citizens advice for help with claiming benefits if necessary. Are you of working age? Have you been disabled for a while now or is it new? Are you claiming universal credit or do you have a job? Stressful financial circumstances will be making everything else feel worse overall.

You "weren't the best mum"

Well there it is. You weren't adequate as a parent and now they're not the best, most dutiful, children towards you. If H emotionally abused you, he probably did it to them too and by not leaving him, you enabled it. That's not necessarily something you can fix after the event, they're not obligated to forgive you. They've forged their lives without the support they could have had from someone who was the best mum. Now you're having to forge your life without your children's support as you age.

None of this is to say you're a terrible person who everyone dislikes. It's harder to make friends as an adult anyway. It will put people off you though if you appear to be on a downer the whole time. Obviously this thread is just a snapshot of time and perhaps your just having a bad day and aren't like this all the time. Two things that might apply: healthy people shy away from needy people (because they tend to drag them down) and if you're a people -pleaser you'll attract people who just want to use you. Work on yourself if you need to.

Emotional abuse takes time to recover from, a long time sometimes. Have you had any help with that? From women's aid? From some type of therapy? You sound lost. Maybe you're in need of some help to move forward and rebuild your life as a single woman who's children have long since moved out. The empty nest phase of life can be difficult for people with ordinary lives and healthy marriages, never mind on top of the kind of life you've had. There's no shame in needing help.

It does suck being unwell when you live alone and there's nobody to even make you a cuppa. Maybe you can look at your home when you're well again and see if there's changes you can make to set things up better so it still is functional when you're unwell. Lots of people live alone and don't have the type of close relationships where anyone is going to visit them to help when they're unwell. People find ways to manage.

Yes im feeling sorry for myself atm. I try to be available for my kids as and when they need me. I hate the fact i can't get over there very often now as I don't have a car anymore. I understand she has her own life but it was her who said if husband wasn't there they'd visit more. I always made sure my kids had food clothes and a roof over their heads. From what the women's aid said to me people who are in an emoitionally abusive relationship don't usually realise it. Its not like physical abuse. Its very subtle. Took me time to speak to someone and get the support. My home is set up ok and it's not a long term problem I need help with, probably only a couple of weeks until I can walk without crutches. Obviously I can't do any shopping atm and I can't afford to do it online as I don't spend enough to get delivery. I've always been very independent and now im finding it hard relying on others. Funnily enough my daughter once told me she wanted to be just like me because I was so strong. Certainly don't feel strong now.

OP posts:
Horsewench · 31/07/2025 02:12

Isittimeformynapyet · 31/07/2025 01:00

Have you told your adult children that you have regrets over your parenting? That you'd like the opportunity to make amends?

If they spent 20 years building up their resilience to cope with your indifference towards them they won't be able to just switch it off.

Yes I've often told them how sorry I am. I wasn't indifferent to them. They had had me as a single mum for 14 years so they then had to share me. I tried to do my best for everyone but obviously made mistakes.

OP posts:
SpidersAreShitheads · 31/07/2025 02:45

Without wanting to kick you while you're down OP, this pretty much sounds like the problem in a nutshell:

" I freely admit I wasn't the best mum, I didn't abuse my kids but I guess I wasn't there for them enough."

Not abusing your children is a very low bar for parenthood. You chose a man over them, and continued in a marriage with him even though you were aware that your children didn't like him. I am sorry you suffered emotional abuse, but you would have had plenty of opportunities to knock it on the head before you became dependant on him. Ultimately, your choices exposed your children to an abusive man and created a mother who didn't seem that interested in prioritising them or their wellbeing.

These things do have an effect. You can try and rebuild the relationships now but the ship may have sailed. You weren't willing to prioritise them when you had someone, so now that you're alone, reaching out to them may seem like you're only doing it because you have no one else.

Build yourself a life, make new friends, join clubs/activities, and try not to dwell on the negatives. Misery loves company. Reach out to your children and try to rebuild your relationship, but understand that it's unlikely to happen overnight, if at all.

pushthebuttonnn · 31/07/2025 04:53

Sorry to be blunt OP but it sounds like you let your dc fend for themselves from a young age and now that you "need" them you want them back in your life. Selfish really..and saying they don't like you is feeling sorry for yourself. You have to accept the fact that their lack of interest is a result of your selfishness. You need to become more independent. Get out there and meet people your age , stop wallowing in self pity.

autienotnaughty · 31/07/2025 04:54

We have the relationship we have with our children based on how that relationship develops over the years. Obviously we don’t know what your relationship was like with them as children but they didn’t like the man you married and yet you married him and brought him into their home, it’s likely they hold resentment .

it seems clear you want to be closer to them. Firstly you have to accept responsibility for your role in the lack of closeness. That’s not about blaming/feeling sorry for yourself it’s about accepting you made poor choices in the past, owning those choices and apologising for them. Opening a conversation up about the past and listening without judgement and accepting responsibility.
Making the effort for them - visiting/phone calls. Showing an interest in their lives, inviting them to do activities with you or to your house for a meal.

They may be open to this or it may take time to make changes. There’s also a possibility they may not want a closer relationship in which case you may have to accept what they are willing to offer and find peace in that.
Have you had counselling? You might benefit from therapy to help you feel better about yourself.

Dippythedino · 31/07/2025 05:06

It's unclear whether your current husband is abusive as well as your previous husband. Or just your current husband is abusive & this is the reason why they're not visiting. As you're still with him, you're indicating to your kids that he's more important than they are. They've decided not to visit because his presence is an emotional trigger for them & they want to protect themselves from it.

Thanksforyourlackofthought · 31/07/2025 05:15

Dippythedino · 31/07/2025 05:06

It's unclear whether your current husband is abusive as well as your previous husband. Or just your current husband is abusive & this is the reason why they're not visiting. As you're still with him, you're indicating to your kids that he's more important than they are. They've decided not to visit because his presence is an emotional trigger for them & they want to protect themselves from it.

Not sure you are reading what everyone else is.
Current husband abusive, now separated.
Kids didn't visit because they didn't like him.
He's gone, they're still not visiting.

pushthebuttonnn · 31/07/2025 05:29

How old were your other dc when you went to live 200 miles away? That's abandonment, they must have felt very lonely & rejected. And the one who went with you probably feels like you took her away from her family & friends. It's a life lesson for others really. Your kids should ALWAYS come first.

Cucy · 31/07/2025 05:37

Be honest with your DD.

Say you’ve come out of hospital and you’re struggling so please could she go to the shop for you.

And say you are not well enough to travel to her right now.

Also sign up to Facebook and local pages and post on there about not being able to get to a shop or afford a delivery etc and if anyone would kindly pick up some shopping for you and drop it off.

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