I don’t know what to say to DD about death

[BarbaraVineFan]

I am a single mum to my DD (6 in October) and her dad lives abroad, so I have sole care of her. She is an exceptionally cheerful and happy child the vast majority of the time. However, every so often for the last 6 months or so, she gets upset, usually at bedtime, about the idea of me dying. She will say things like ‘ can I die when you die, so I’m not alone?’ And she asks ‘Can you protect us from dying?/ can Jesus protect us from dying?’ (I’m not religious myself but she goes to a Catholic school).

I’m just really at a loss for what to say to her and worried about saying the wrong thing. I say things like ‘I am not going to die until you’re grown up’ or ‘I will always be with you in your heart’ but not sure if this is right. I don’t want to lie and say that I will never die, or that I can protect us from death, but equally want to reassure her. Does anyone have any ideas as to what I should say?

My four year old is obsessed with death. I say that we die when our body doesn't work any more. Usually that is because we are very very very very old and the information in our cells (he already knows what these are, you will need to explain separately if she doesn't already) can't be copied into new cells so we can't make more and then we die because our body can't fix itself. He's ok with this.

You might be able to find some age appropriate books to look at with her if she's curious, and then just keep chatting to her about things as she brings them up. Sounds like you're doing a fantastic job

Does she believe in jesus and are you ok with her believing this? I'm assuming as you Ve sent her to a religious school. You must at least be ok with her absorbing some of their ethos.

When my mother died, I told my niece that granny's body was gone, but her soul had gone to god and she wasn't in pain any more. It's what we believe as a family, we ve always been christian.

If you're not, then it's harder, but this entirely depends on what you want to tell her as her mother.

It is really common for children to go through this stage. I definitely went through it myself and was really anxious about my parents dying.

My own children went through a stage of being interested in death, although not so much anxious as morbidly fascinated with lots of questions! When they lost their grandparents (my mum and dad) they were 8 and 6 and were particularly interested in hearing about the cremation 🙄😂

I think the best thing you can do is answer questions truthfully and briefly (no need to give her more information than she can handle as she is so little). But try to move the conversation on if she is dwelling on it too much. I think you could tell her that it is normal to worry a bit about people that you love dying, but that if you spend too much time worrying, it can spoil the time you actually have together, so let’s think about all the fun things we’d like to do together this week/at the weekend/during the school hols. So acknowledge her fears but try to move on fairly swiftly and breezily so you can get on with the business of living!

We’ve had to explain death to my 5 and 2 year olds due to family circumstances. We keep it simple - ‘Uncle X was very poorly so his body stopped working and he died. But we still love him and will always remember him. You don’t need to worry about you or mummy dying because younger people don’t usually get that poorly’.

It’s probably not perfect, but it’s reasonably factual and the older DC seems to understand without being traumatised.

My older DC went through this stage. I’d recommend keep talking about it, ask her why she’s asking or what she thinks the answer to her question might be. It helped when I told my DV it was very unlikely I would die, but that if I did then Daddy would still be here to look after them, and if we both died then Grandma and Uncle T would look after them until they were all grown up. It transpired they had thought they’d have to go and live in an orphanage like in a story they’d heard. It was a repeated conversation for a few months and then it was dropped.

Had similar when DS was the same age. I was very factual that death is inevitable which is why it’s so important to make the most of the gift of life we have.

I explained in a simple way that mine (and DH’s) DNA were an integral part of who he was and that in that sense we would always be part of him.

Finally I also talked about how my GM (deceased) is still with me, not just in my genetic make up but also in my personality because of the things she taught me and I still catch myself thanking her (in my head) for her wisdom.

I also tempered all that with the reassurance that I was statistically unlikely to die for a long time, but also explained that if the worst happened (say DH and I both died) what would happen to him (in my case to live with my cousin and her children - we had a reciprocal agreement in case of disaster for our children).

For him knowing what would happen “worst case” was the thing that put him at ease.

Totally normal at this age to be curious about the concept of death and the finality of that so don’t worry about engaging in these conversations.

One of mine was very matter of fact about it all (almost worryingly lacking in emotion to be honest!) but the other found it quite upsetting.
I didn’t like to promise that I would be alive for a long long time because who knows what tomorrow holds? And to be honest that’s not that reassuring to a small child who can’t imagine that a time will come when they would ever want to be independent of you.
What helped mine was to reassure them that it was incredibly unlikely that I would die anytime soon, but I explained that in the incredibly unlikely event that happened then they would go to live with X (family they are very close to) they would still have all their toys, photos of me, attend their school etc etc.

I think it helped them to know there was a plan - we did have a little while of “and what if they die too” “then you’ll go to Y” etc etc but reiterating how unlikely it was but that even so there was a plan seemed to give a good amount of reassurance until we were out the other side.

@OneNeatBlueOrca I think religious faiths often offer explanations that are helpful to their believers- that must be nice to have.

I can say that as an atheist, I was able to tell my children that my parents’ ashes were put into the ground and a tree planted there. As we visited the burial ground over the years, they were able to see the tree growing and the new leaves every spring. I think this helped them (and me!) to see that life goes on- our energy persists in the world- just in a different form.

I think she does believe in God and Jesus and I don’t mind. If she asks questions about God etc I usually preface my response with ‘some people believe that…’. AAlthough the school is Catholic, it is very multicultural and multi-faith, and so she is used to this idea.

For myself, I am comfortable with talking about heaven (I am agnostic) but not so far as to say that we will be together in heaven, if that makes sense? I also don’t think it would help that much, since her concern is about being left alone in life and so she might then intensify her thoughts about wanting us to die together.

This is a good approach- I’ll try this, thank you!

Okay, well, if she's worried about being left alone in life, just tell her that she doesn't need to worry about this. You're not going to die for a very long time. And that you'll be very old when you do, and by then she ll be a grown up and have her own life and family and not to worry about it for now.

I think this is the problem- I don’t think she can visualise anyone else looking after her, as nobody ever has (except for short periods). I can’t even visualise her dad looking after her tbh, but that’s another thread!

Maybe I need to make a concrete plan and tell her about it.

If you haven't actually discussed it you definitely need to. It happens, and she's worried.

Bless her.
My parents split up when I was 6. I started having frequent nightmares my mum was going to die, went on for years. Did you recently break up with her dad?

My 5yo often asks about death. Unfortunately I had to explain it to her before she was 4 as her uncle died. Periodically she gets upset still. I say I don't know what happens when we die, but it's something that happens to all of us, so whatever happens we'll all be together one way or another.

Hmm, I think I have said that Daddy would look after her, but I think it just made her more anxious, as her dad is unfortunately a very distant figure (left when she was 18 months old and has seen her a handful of times since- we have video chats every week but I would say she reacts to him more like a distant uncle than a dad figure)

I think you’re saying the right things. I spoke to the child bereavement trust a few years ago about this as there’d been a death of a child in the family and the kids were talking about death a lot, mainly in a practical way. They advised that if they were upset about parents dying to reinforce how most people died when they were much older and reassuring them about all the fun things we would be doing over the many years before that happened. Keeping it consistent but honest. So very similar to @Waitingfordoggo above, and it’s worked well.

The other thing is that she has already experienced the deaths of her grandma (my mum) and a close family friend, so I guess it is in her mind.

I think you do. From her perspective it’s actually a perfectly reasonable fear - it’s a very sad fact of life that not every parent survives their child’s childhood and she is probably becoming aware of that. Yet she has no reassurance of what would happen in those circumstances. Just jollying her along and telling her she doesn’t need to worry may not work - most people don’t and can’t stop being worried about something just because someone else says so, they need reasons not to be worried.

For those of us who don't have family who would be able to take our children if something were to happen to us, I think the conversation is much more tricky and needs careful though. There’s not always a firm plan and sometime no auntie and uncle, or grandparent to go and live with should the worse happen to a parent and to stop the worries that a little child might have.
i really struggled with this conversation with mine were little and still don’t like to think about it too much- but my dd is 18 soon and I hope should the worst happen now, she’d be able to have guardianship for my 14 yo son.

Perhaps say when we die we go to a better place, and she will not be alone - remind her of everyone else that loves her and will look after her x

This is exactly my problem @SunStarSea. Sorry to hear you’re in the same boat x

These are really difficult concepts. Honestly, adults and philosophers are still debating death and the meaning of life. Nobody knows what happens when we pass on. Even as a christian I say that. Faith is just that.

I don't know that people go to heaven when they die. I choose to believe it. I may well be wrong.

All you can do is the best you can with explaining such difficult concepts to a very young child. And reassure her as best you can
Sounds like you're doing a great job.

My DN went through this. Struggled with the idea of in heaven and buried in the garden (pet) and started telling everyone when they died shed dig them up and check they were still comfy and had been given a pillow.

Tbh in the end we all likened it to the lion king, our bodies become the grass but our loved ones are always with us, even when we cant see them their loved and cared for.