I don’t know what to say to DD about death

[BarbaraVineFan]

I am a single mum to my DD (6 in October) and her dad lives abroad, so I have sole care of her. She is an exceptionally cheerful and happy child the vast majority of the time. However, every so often for the last 6 months or so, she gets upset, usually at bedtime, about the idea of me dying. She will say things like ‘ can I die when you die, so I’m not alone?’ And she asks ‘Can you protect us from dying?/ can Jesus protect us from dying?’ (I’m not religious myself but she goes to a Catholic school).

I’m just really at a loss for what to say to her and worried about saying the wrong thing. I say things like ‘I am not going to die until you’re grown up’ or ‘I will always be with you in your heart’ but not sure if this is right. I don’t want to lie and say that I will never die, or that I can protect us from death, but equally want to reassure her. Does anyone have any ideas as to what I should say?

Winston’s wish is a charity that offers support for bereaved children. I know that that’s not your situation, but they have lots of really good information online about taking to kids about death, about serious illness etc. One of the main messages throughout all of their resources is that communication needs to be age appropriate but that it absolutely must be clear and honest without using euphemisms.

https://winstonswish.org/suggested-reading-list/

https://winstonswish.org/how-to-prepare-a-child-for-the-death-of-a-parent-by-cancer/

I was scared of mum dying and I needed her to say the wouldn’t die for a very, very long time. It doesn’t matter if you can’t absolutely promise that, it’s what your daughter needs to hear.

My son is close in age op so has been asking questions. I think it's hard when their an only child, and cousins are older/live far away. The other day he said, "When you both die I'll live by myself." It made me feel so bad but he said it in a matter of fact way.

I'd also love how to handle this topic.

Like pp my kids are comforted by me reminding them of the lion king, and saying we are all part of the circle of life.

My DS got interested in the concept of death when he was about 4 or 5 - how to people die, when do people die etc.

I was thinking on the spot and ended up telling him that people usually live till they're 100, unless they have accidents (because they ran into.the road for example) or they get sick, but that usually only happens to very old people.

He was perfectly happy with this. He asked me how old Grand and Grandad were, and how old he would be when they died and his Dad and I died, and that was that.

I was usually much more honest about answering his questions, but in this case a simple reply did seem to work - he was happy that death wasn't going to be in his immediate future.

I'm a single parent too, and when he was early teens he was a bit worried that he'd have to live with his Dad if I died - Dad loved a couple of hundred miles away. I gave a simple answer again, that he could live with my sister and her family, who lived near us. That probably wouldn't have happened, but I didn't want to worry my DS, who again seemed happy with the reply.

Dd was 3 when my dm died but dm had cancer so we could work our way up to it. Looking back, it was a good age for it. Too young to have had outside influences and young enough to accept everything I told her.

I explained it by saying death is the great adventure, we do it on our own, sometimes it’s because people just get so old they wore out, sometimes they get sick like Granny and sometimes it’s by accident.

Then DM died and after a while she asked “are you upset again!!!” She figured out that she wasn’t upset and just because I was, that didn’t mean she had to be. All true. I had to explain that me being upset so often wasn’t going to last forever.

There was also a discussion about the procedures for after the death. Arrangements, funeral, burial etc. Basic arrangements are standard and then you get the variations. We all learnt a lot over those few months.

I responded early in the thread with a response that was focused on children who are worried in general about death or someone they love dying. But want to add I do see that this conversation is a little more nuanced as the OP’s child is more worried about who would look after her and who she would live with- I can see how that is tricky if you are a single parent without close family members.

We were lucky to have an answer to that question as my brother and I had agreed that we would raise each other’s children in the even of both parents dying.

When I was very young, many decades ago now, I told my dad I was scared of dying. He said breezily, oh don’t worry, by the time you are older, they will have found a cure for dying. It was a real comfort to me as a small child and helped me through until I was mature enough to accept that people do die. Its about finding something that reassures a child (mum won’t die for a very long time) without lying to them.

My DS once said (around this age) that if I died he was going to keep me in his bedroom forever. I didn't get into decomposition, just said, you might change your mind by the time it comes around. Anyway, now he's 19 and I don't think he still thinks that. (He was grossed out when my mum reminded him the other day!). So it's not unusual to think about it, but you can just reassure them that it probably won't be for ages.

Op the mog series of books helped my sons to understand about death when they were small. I've always said that the person is very very tired and they are in a better place now.

@FigurativelyDying I’m not usually in favour of fibbing to children- especially around serious topics- but that is actually quite sweet. I can see how that could ease a child’s worries, and of course all children will eventually realise the truth (a bit like the Father Christmas story!)

I said to mine that life is a beautiful gift that we are lucky to have. And that what comes with that is that it needs to end one day, and I don't expect that will be for a very long time for either of us. But if one of us does lose the other, that the love we have for each other will never end and will carry on forever on that person's heart. And that we are sad because of the love that we have for that person and the love will continue on in our memories of that person. So dying and grieving are part of living and loving. But how lucky we are to have the life and the love right now.

My DH died 3 weeks ago, and I had to tell our DD 4 that he’d died. I used Winston’s wish website and kept it very factual. Her grandmother is appalled I haven’t softened the blow with talk of heaven but we don’t believe in it so it seemed to open a bigger can of worms. She’s now naturally having very similar feelings to what your DD is- worrying what happens to me, and then to her. We don’t have immediate family around so I also need to make a plan for her I guess. It’s hard.

I think they all go through this phase. My DC went through it intensely. It passed

I think I listened and acknowledged his worries. Said I hoped to be around for a long time etc. Important to concentrate on the moment etc. It’s not easy but inevitable. I think the only rule is to try to be honest. We don’t know how long we are here. We can say things are unlikely…

When my daughter went through this phase at the same age I said that most people where we live died when they were over 80 (can’t remember the exact figure but I looked it up at them time) so we didn’t have to think about it now. I think that’s enough to get them over the feeling without lying or creating new worries. I wouldn’t lie about heaven etc. if you don’t actively believe. I told my daughter that when we die our atoms become part of everything in the universe and she’s fine with that.

I’m so sorry for your loss @loverofpants

@loverofpants I’m really sorry for your loss. How awful for you. Sending love.

I have a very vivid memory of being terrified of death and the thought of the finality of it when I was primary age. I must have seen something on the news about someone slitting their wrists as I became a bit obsessed with how fragile those veins were. My dad tried his best to console me. Sometimes I remember that, and I do feel stressed with the finality of death. I guess it helps to be religious, but as she goes to a religious school maybe try and talk about some people believing in heaven, and how she will have her own family etc.