Child with SEN so violent

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I have two autistic DC late junior school age and they both have learning disabilities. My youngest is non verbal with severe learning disabilities and has always been a bit violent to us over the years but recently it's been absolutely relentless.

He's still quite small but (despite professional experience in the area) I've very rarely come across violence this extreme and random- slapping, punching, biting, kicking, eye gouging, scratching, hair pulling, throwing objects at me and he also tried to stab me with a pair of scissors. He's particularly targeting me and it is constant. He's badly hurting me and I'm frightened of him. I keep trying to spend nice quality time with him but he just smiles then attacks me. Tonight, I went downstairs to be with him because I've barely spent any time with him (DH looks after him because DS can't push DH over etc) and sat on the sofa, he came over smiling like he wanted a cuddle then grabbed my head and clawed my face and pulled my hair. Normally I try not to react too much (because I think he enjoys my reaction) but I started screaming and then broke down in tears. I've just had enough.

I don't know what we've done wrong, but clearly we haven't got it right.

AIBU just to stop trying? This is breaking my heart, I love him but I don't want to be anywhere near him.

OP i dont think you’ve anything wrong at all. He is autistic and non verbal. It’s not anything you have done or haven’t done. It sounds exhausting. You need respite- is that possible at all? Where I live, parents of children with significant SEN can access overnight respite- is that available where you are as I know it isn’t always accessible. It sounds impossibly hard.

Such children used to be kept in specialist homes. My Great-Auntie used to be a nurse in one in the 1970s. They used to get lots of medication to keep
them docile.

Not suggesting that’s the right way forward but it seems that children with autism have always been around (the ones with milder autism were just seen as “odd” or “disruptive”) it’s just we don’t lock them away out of sight any more.

Far more support is needed, though.

It might be worth contacting a charity or (if you can afford it) paying for some respite care so you can decompress.

We do get 4 hours respite a week, but we're on a waiting list for overnight respite (have been for 2 years) and I think the wait is another 3 years.

I see other families with non verbal children who are so loving. In fact, my other child would never purposefully hurt me. I feel like my youngest hates me and likes it when I'm hurt.

My son IS verbal, but LD & autism.
He used to do this to me before he became verbal at the age of eight. A lot of social stories around being kind to people helped.
You have done nothing wrong. I promise.

Oh wow that wait time is insane. That’s awful. There should be far far more support available to you

I don't know how helpful this is to you, but I see similar situations at work and am always boggled by how much help IS available - but only if the parents are totally broken first. So if the parents separate and social workers get involved in child arrangements, or if the parents sink and ask for a s.20 care order (putting the child into voluntary care) - suddenly it's like there is a magic wand waving to grant weekend respite or therapeutic horse riding or residential school weekly or even termly or befrienders (those are mostly for verbal violent children TBF). I'm sure it would feel like feeding yourself into a mincing machine but it might be worth contacting your local children's services and telling them that you are going to be asking for a s.20 order if you don't get some help, and then seeing what happens. I should say that I only ever see this by the time it gets to court, so I don't know how hard you have to push to get to that stage.

8 year Ds is verbal though autistic with a PDA profile. He’s violent. He’s been out of school due to it because he and they were not able to cope.

it’s not you. My ds uses violence to express his emotions. He’s been better since leaving the school system. But as soon as he feels his control has slipped (demand has been placed on him) he will hit out.

even something as simple as me asking to play with him on his game could be met with violence. Not because he doesn’t like me. But the request to play is a demand. A demand that now has made him anxious and that’s how he communicates he’s anxious.
I don’t approach him now. We let him lead. It’s massively made a difference with him. The only issue we have is when we need him to cooperate. We know the demand we are going to place on him is going to trigger him.

BBC iPlayer - Spotlight - I Am Not Okay - Spotlight : I watched this the other day :(

Mothers reveal to Tara Mills their struggles to cope with sons whose complex needs can lead to distress and aggressive outbursts – often leaving themselves and other family members injured. They tell Tara they feel judged and blamed by the system that’s meant to protect them, and feel there is no safety net.

Im so sorry you're not getting any/much/enough support as an early years professional I have seen the effects of children with L.D/Autism (I am late diagnosed autism/adhd) within a family.

Why is DS smiling and laughing when he hurts me? I know that smiles aren't always communicating happiness but in the moment it definitely feels like he's beating me for fun.

My ds doesn’t find it funny etc. he laughs because he doesn’t know the appropriate response. He lacks the ability to show appropriate emotional responses

I suspect it was probably better run in those days, I worked a summer during university as a general carer. I earned peanuts, but actually I think many of the more severe MH cases' outcomes would have been the same with or without the intensive care we provided.

I genuinely think that many of the 'interventions' do either nothing at all or actively harm in more 'severe' cases. I've seen this professionally and personally.

I find a lot of the “interventions” are very much one size fits all.
I actually have 4 children on the spectrum. While some are great. Ie my youngest is non verbal but something as simple as a tick chart works well for her. It wouldn’t and doesn’t work for ds.

I find they don’t really take into account individual needs. All 4 of mine are very different with very different needs.

we do not parent them the same. Their level of understanding is different. Thus our expectations are different.

I'm sorry it's so tough. My seven year old verbal autistic daughter is violent, although her swearing has reduced which is something. As we approach bedtime every night she starts to kick and hit me. It's awful. My husband then has to hold her to stop her causing serious injury and then she screams she's too hot. If we let go it all starts again. It's exhausting and leaves us wondering what we have done wrong.

My dd is 12 and is violent towards me. She’ll hit me, throw things at me, shout at me. I’ve been pinched and spit at, punched. She’s non speaking and has profound autism. It’s very very difficult now she’s older. Any small tiny demand or when she can’t have her way, she’ll attack. It’s honestly not your fault.

This is terrible. I'm hiding with my other child while DH handles our youngest. I've been attacked all morning for literally no reason.

He pulls my hair every day. We know the techniques for attempting to remove hair grips but he weaves his fingers in very fast and immediately drops to the floor with all 4 stone of his weight dangling by my hair. It's very, very difficult to get him off and sometimes he curls up and kicks my face while he has hold of my hair/ head.

He's just grabbed my hair again and I felt a wave of indescribable panic wash over me. I have managed to get him off and have locked myself in my room while I monitor him on the cameras.

Some days I feel like I hate him and that just makes me a horrible, horrible mother.

I think you need to stop trying to spend quality time with him OP, for whatever reason he's just not handling it well. The other thing is to try not to take it personally. I agree with letting him completely take the lead on what he wants to do for quality time. It might be that he would 100% rather be alone and he's trying to tell you that you're ruining his alone time (for example). Don't see it as you stopping trying, try to see it as giving him the space he needs.

You probably already know that his laughing could be anxiety or tension, it may be that you're his favourite person to take his emotions out on because you scream/cry/run/hide. So it might be that he 'enjoys' attacking you because he gets a lot of sensory feedback from that and you are perfect for him to let all his frustrations out on.

I can't imagine how hard all this is OP, you are not a horrible mother, you are dealing with things that anyone would really struggle with. I'm just sorry there isn't proper support available to you. Have you had any help from an OT or anyone with him and his behaviour? It's awful that parents are just left to cope.

Can we please stop with the residential school suggestion ?
There are residential schools however they cost thousands, they are extremely hard to access and usually aa a very last resort evrtu single thread like this posters come along with this suggestion like it's just a case of asking.it isn't.

I’m so sorry OP, I really hope you can get some proper help and support. Please don’t feel like a horrible mother, I don’t think anybody could do better than you are doing in the same situation.

You are not a horrible mother. You are a mother who has been given one of the most difficult mothering positions any woman could have and your feelings and reactions are justified and normal.

In my experience, laughing or smiling can be an indicator of over excitement and over stimulation as much as it can show happiness. It is emotional dysregulaion in the same way that screaming and crying is. Your child doesn’t hate you but there is something he is seeking either from the feeling of attacking or from the reaction he gets. I don’t have the answer but I do know this is not your fault and you do not deserve to be attacked, even by your own deisbaled child. I suspect the only way you will be able to find some solution is with the help of professionals who can assess the individual situation and come up with a few strategies that would be worth trying, Do whatever it takes to get the help you need.

Does your son have a place in a special school? I’m just wondering if you might get some support when school goes back in a couple of weeks.

You’re not a horrible mother

I know you’ve said that you try not to react, but I think it’s possible that he does this to see your reaction, because he thinks your reaction (in the past) it’s funny. It’s a game to him.

Keep yourself safe, and step back and let your Dh do as much as possible.

Keep a diary of absolutely everything. You might begin to see a pattern or triggers, even if you think there aren’t any

OP I’m so sorry to read this. I also have two learning disabled DS and we have had violent behaviour on and off from one so I really get where you are coming from.

What an awful situation you are in. Do you have any support from your LA or his school in terms of managing his behaviour? My first thought was to work on safe hands with rewards for every minute he is nice to you, building to every 5 minutes and so on.

You've done nothing wrong. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Is he under a psychiatrist? Has medication been tried? I know meds are a last resort but this situation warrants it in my opinion.