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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Leaving an abusive relationship. Can you flood this post with all the lovely firsts and happy futures you had when you did the same ?

53 replies

PennyWhistleSweet · 30/07/2025 19:28

Leaving a shitty relationship that I've been for ages with two kids. Slow and steady planning. Some days it just feels like it's dragging me down as I'm in the 'hiding the plan and taking calls from DV workers and other professionals every safe day I've given.' Manifesting sounds like a wanky self absorbed ideal, but, I do want to use your experiences to remind me why I'm doing all this. Happy single life with kids experiences here we go...!

OP posts:
Lionness5 · 30/07/2025 19:31

Knowing he's lost the best thing that ever happened to him whereas I lost the worst thing that ever happened to me.

i can chose everything. What I eat, wear and drink. What colour I paint the home he'll never see. Buy the furniture I like.

Breathe easy.

PennyWhistleSweet · 30/07/2025 19:32

@Lionness5 I can't wait to shop for my own food and not ask what I can cook for the boys.

OP posts:
SuperLoudPoppingAction · 30/07/2025 19:34

I took my boys wild camping (we live in Scotland) and they carried some bits in their own bags.
By the sea, in some woods.
We just brought easy food so I didn't need to cook.
They said it was the best day ever.

No3392 · 30/07/2025 19:35

Got a degree and an excellent job.

Got the kids passports and took them on holiday.

PennyWhistleSweet · 30/07/2025 19:35

@SuperLoudPoppingAction that sounds so us!!

I want that now and without the worry of h messing up camping by abusing me and triggering a complaint from other campers. (So many times)

OP posts:
Emmylou22 · 30/07/2025 19:36

For me, leaving an abusive relationship was like cutting off a dead limb. It was draining the life out of me. Sure, it was painful and scary at first. But now my life is blossoming! I make my own decisions and my life is better than ever before. My daughter is free to be herself in her home.

I don't have to live every day on edge. Feeling anxious I might 'do something wrong' or that he'd explode at the tiniest thing. My life and home is now calm and I feel content.

You're doing the right thing. Your life will be immeasurably better in the long run ❤️

R0ckandHardPlace · 30/07/2025 19:37

The best for me was the complete relief of not having to tread on eggshells constantly. Or second guessing every single thing that I might have done wrong to upset him. Good luck OP, your life is just starting and it will be wonderful! x

PennyWhistleSweet · 30/07/2025 19:37

@No3392 we stopped going on foreign holidays before they were born as he couldn't get weed 🙄.

I will get them passports and let them experience a plane

OP posts:
smileymylie25 · 30/07/2025 19:38

I’m following as about to do the same. I hope you make some lovely memories op x

PennyWhistleSweet · 30/07/2025 19:39

@smileymylie25 good luck. We can do this 💪
So excited for the future but terrified of the near future.

OP posts:
PennyWhistleSweet · 30/07/2025 19:41

Please keep them coming. I may not reply later as h will be home but this is amazing motivation.

OP posts:
Itsnottheheatitsthehumidity · 30/07/2025 19:49

I have my own opinion again.

I can go on holiday anywhere I like.

Agree, no eggshells or second guessing myself.

Less anxiety.

Wear what I want.

Finding out who I am, really, not what I'm told I am.

cookiemon666 · 30/07/2025 19:50

Having a movie night without him causing an arguement

HotHorseHerbie · 30/07/2025 20:05

Sitting on the sofa watching TV, turning to the side I'm not sitting next to him. Not having to listen to his endless lists of everything I'm doing wrong.

ScaredAndPanicky · 30/07/2025 20:24

I ran away nearly 2 years ago

There are the small and simple things like being able to cook what the kids and I like to eat, being able to watch what we want on the telly. Able to leave the house when we want to.
Kids can go to the clubs that interest them. Can use their computers to do their homework. We can sit down to eat without being lectured on what we have done wrong. The kids could choose what they wanted to do for gcses and a levels. Not having to just spend all money on his hobbies. Painted the house the colour we want it. Allowed a Christmas tree!

Then there is bigger stuff like not living in constant fear of being raped.
Not spending 2 or 3 months at a time being blanked for putting a foot out of line. No longer covered in bruises so don't have to hide in an oversized hoody.

mummysquasher · 30/07/2025 20:24

Where do I start?!

It is 8 years since I left EXH. After we married he ruined every single holiday. Even ones he didn't come on! I'm away on holiday with DS at the moment so I guess holidays are top of mind. We've had the best time, mostly just us and a couple of days meeting up with friends. No drama, no worries about safety (EXH used to do things like purposely leave doors unlocked at night so I'd never quite feel safe, or drive dangerously) and no guilt tripping about money (if he'd paid) or more often being sulky and ungrateful (when I had paid). No having to pretend everything is "fine" to hotel / chalet staff who clearly know things aren't right. No not being able to talk to any fellow holiday makers in case it upsets him. No burning shame when he decides to kick off in front of an audience.

But aside from holidays. Even now, several years later, there isn't a week that goes by that I don't give thanks for the peace and quiet I feel in my small, tired, rented flat. DS can have PJ days, leave stuff out, come sleep in my bed if he needs to. We can eat what we want. Cupboards full of snacks / treat chocolates don't disappear overnight. Special clothes aren't ruined under the house of a sudden desire to "help" with laundry. I can wear what I want without comment.

I could go on and on.

Good luck OP. Stay safe. Keep your eyes on the prize. It may not be easy but it will be worth it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/07/2025 20:27

I came in to the flat after we separated, looked at him still passed out on the sofa in the morning, and BING a thought popped into my head, clear as day, “you’re not my problem any more”. It was an AMAZING feeling.

I wish you that moment of joy and clarity.

ShinyWorthKeeping · 30/07/2025 20:32

I left him about 12 years ago, I was never allowed spread (marg/butter) on my sandwiches and despite it being over a decade later I still appreciate having spread.
That's only one small thing out of many many things.

StMarie4me · 30/07/2025 20:34

Went walking on Christmas morning
Enjoyed a simple, alcohol free Christmas with my Children
Watched my children thrive and grow into wonderful adults
Sang Westlife “we got a little world of our own” over and over (not even my genre!)
Played loud rock music!

PennyWhistleSweet · 30/07/2025 20:39

I love each and every one of these. Thank you

OP posts:
KatharinaRosalie · 30/07/2025 20:44

I was not stupid any more. I was an intelligent woman when I met him, but for some reason, an idiot who couldn't do anything right while in the relationship. And suddenly - smart and capable again!

I could go about my day without worrying what I have done wrong this time and why I will be met with sulking and silent treatment on this particular day.

aCatCalledFawkes · 30/07/2025 20:45

Putting new sheets and a duvet on the bed knowing he never touched him.

Enjoying a peaceful Christmas without anyone kicking off, the same for all birthdays.

General freedom to be out and about with who I wanted. Which was mainly not many people as I had two children by myself.

Life in general just being just more fun.

fastcarsnarrowstreets · 30/07/2025 20:54

part-copied from an earlier thread but still true:

No more running back to the house after I'd left it in the morning to double, triple check that I'd put the bins out / wiped the surfaces / whatever, in case I hadn't and he yelled at me. No more being judged constantly for every single little thing. No more being looked at with complete hatred for just existing.

No more coming home to find that he'd made a complete war landscape of the kitchen cooking one of his pointless 'fancy' meals for a friend, but not tidied it up ofc. (If I did the same, I'd never hear the end of it).

No more questioning my sanity bc he lied so much about everything, from the smallest pointless shit to really enormous stuff.

No drama, no eggshells, no anxiety from being around someone who assumes everyone is out to get them. No more making myself smaller and smaller and quieter and quieter; no more being so on edge constantly that I hadn't even noticed it until he was gone.

No more hearing him brag to his friends and people he wanted to impress about this amazing thing he'd done, when I knew what absolute bullshit those stories were. No more being bored to shit by his pointless, half-baked opinions on music, politics, veganism, AI, etc etc.

House is actually tidier, lovelier, I can actually relax in it. Being able to get a nice takeaway (with meat in!), eat it in front of a film of my choice (trashy/arthouse, just not another bloody Marvel thing), pet my new cat (he hated cats), lie on the sofa in the evening light reading on my kindle, bliss bliss bliss.

FeelingLowLowLow · 30/07/2025 21:10

Oh where to start?!
Waking up in the morning and the morning routine going smoothly with no drama. Being able to talk to friends and family as much as I want. I've just got a lovely new job because I'm no longer limited by him dictating which days I could work. So much lovely time with DS that isn't spoiled by his chewing a wasp face. Not having to see him glowering on the sofa every evening. I always used to wonder if maybe he'd just fuse to it one day. Cooking what I want, buying essential household stuff without an interrogation as to whether I had considered x y or z. Actually being able to enjoy special occasions. That one's a biggy. He had a strop because I declined his company on my birthday last year. But it was the best birthday ever. I thought I just didn't like birthdays. Turned out that I just didn't enjoy birthdays around him and his perpetual wasp.
Basically, sitting here writing this, I've realised how bloody wonderful life can be when you're not paralysed by fear anymore. I'm rooting for you, believe me, however hard it is getting free, I promise you will look back at your prison and be so so proud of reclaiming yourself. Good luck, and keep us updated! 💐

Tutorpuzzle · 30/07/2025 21:27

You are all bloody amazing. Truly.