Leaving an abusive relationship. Can you flood this post with all the lovely firsts and happy futures you had when you did the same ?

[PennyWhistleSweet]

Leaving a shitty relationship that I've been for ages with two kids. Slow and steady planning. Some days it just feels like it's dragging me down as I'm in the 'hiding the plan and taking calls from DV workers and other professionals every safe day I've given.' Manifesting sounds like a wanky self absorbed ideal, but, I do want to use your experiences to remind me why I'm doing all this. Happy single life with kids experiences here we go...!

I can relax now. I don’t dread a key in the door. I can read/have interests without complaint.
Im studying for a degree. He never would have supported me.
And again as I appreciate it so much even now, I can relax. I don’t live on edge all the time.

The sound of a phone ringing doesn't make my stomach clench and roll anymore.
I can buy myself bouquets of flowers now. I grew to loathe them as ex would buy me flowers after he beat me up or hurt me.
I can watch whatever "stupid shit" I want to on tv.
I can take a normal phone call without ex scowling glowering and interupting.
I have a cat and guinea pigs.
My bills have plummeted and my credit score has gone up. I can budget now without being scared my money is going to spent for me.
I can wear whatever the hell I like, put on perfume, get my hair cut and nobody in the world accuses me of having an affair.
I can sleep however I please. No rules about not breathing on him or touching him or turning my back on him.
Friends visit. I have friends now.
I can window shop and wander to my hearts content. No more panicky rushing around to avoid being interrogated. I still relish throwing receipts away. Don't need the time stamped proof anymore.
My face doesn't ache from fake smiling on trips or days out.

I have peace and quiet. No dramas, no 2nd guessing, no dreading. No fear.
I wish all that for you @PennyWhistleSweet

I spent 10 years with a shitty horrible person and had children with him, wasted most of my 20s on him, love my babies and wouldn’t change it but if you can now just leave, it won’t change I promise you that, i clung on to hoping he would change but never did, that was over a year ago and now I have a new partner who does more then he ever did for me and the kids and we love him

Going to bed without pretending to have a period not to have sex.

Going to bed and not being woken as H had wet himself pissed and needing to change the bed.

Having a lie in without being forced t to get up and make coffee/breakfast

You can do this and make your own memories ♥️

My last holiday with my ex and the DC was awful. He didn't want to go, he insisted on doing all the driving and nothing else. We barely spoke to each other, he drunk throughout. He did everything he could to avoid being with the DC or having any nice family time.

Our first holiday after he moved out was a 3 night stay at a little seaside resort. It was so basic but but the best thing ever. We were so relaxed, we went to the beach for as long as we wanted, we ate what we wanted. No alcohol was drunk. The DC and I have so many lovely holidays now and they bring so much joy. They were very very hard work when I was still with the ex.

I was in a terrible abusive relationship for many years -mental and physical abuse,he was an alcoholic and a bully.
left me in a really bad way.
Then I met a lovely lovely man, he took on my youngest as his own - he also comes from a massive family so all of a sudden I was thrust into a whole bubble of love.
almost 11 years later, i
still live in my little house that I love, I work for his family business, I am part of a huge family, im learning to drive, I go on holidays and do all sorts of things I’d never dreamed of doing - my son has graduated from uni and lives in a lovely apartment with a good job - my days are filled with happiness laughter and love mostly.
i can wear what I want, do what I want, go where I want and I can pay for it myself with money I work hard for!!
I am quite literally living my best life !! (It’s probably nothing compared to many people but for me, it’s a dream!!) it’s not always easy - you’re never promised miracles but it’s a world away from what I used to have.

I live for these threads. I could echo this post word for word.

It's been a year of freedom for me and my life has honestly just gone from strength to strength in that time. It was scary and stressful at first, but so worth it. Now I have a calm, happy, peaceful little home where my daughter feels safe and comfortable.

I'm so effing proud of myself for everything I've achieved in the past year and for doing such a bloody brilliant job (if I may say so myself) of managing a house, a full time job and 3 kids all by myself. I had no idea what I was capable of when I was in that relationship.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain @PennyWhistleSweet, sending you strength

@PennyWhistleSweet

I’m planning the same and I cannot wait!

I have a new home, just need to get all my lovely things in there!

Things I’m looking forward to:

Living alone for the first time in forever…
Having said home exactly how I want it, it’s going to be so beautiful and cosy! Think fairy lights, cosy bedding, blankets, cushions, candles, an eclectic mix of old pine furniture, a battered old squishy sofa! Plants, flowers, candles.

No miserable little plant cuttings carelessly left in too large receptacles.

Having friends around for a glass of wine or tea and cake. (I’ve been so isolated for so long).

Long conversations with friends.

Not having to walk on eggshells anymore.

Having no contact with his horrible family.

Not to be sexually asulted

❤️Massive lie ins.

❤️Quiet mornings

A life where my nervous system isn’t constantly on alert

The opportunity to meet the love of my life, my soul mate.

The first thing I remember doing for myself was walking through the market and buying myself a 15 quid silver and amber ring. I couldn't afford it but I HAD to have it.

Previously I'd only been "allowed" to wear gold jewellery (which I don't like) because silver was "common".

I sold all that hookey gold jewellery and brought new beds and bedding for the kids - non princess ones!

When I finally got a permanent home I decorated it how I wanted to, no compromises, no waking up from a nap to find he's plastered fucking wonky arches on the walls. I got such a compliment the other day when a visitor told me "I love your house, its so calm".

I got out via a Refuge with a 16 yr old (living elsewhere) and my two younger DC 7 & 3. It was tough, really tough but we survived. Fought a three year custody battle and won every stage - he wasn't even allowed to re-apply for contact without the court's permission.

My youngest is 22 now and he's just got his own place, I just found out that I've been awarded a First (went to Uni as a Grandma lol). I've loved my life - stayed single out of choice and I can do as I please. In fact I'm just about to move to the other side of the country - because I want to and I can.

Best of luck to you - it'll be tough and the kids will be up and down (so will you) but I PROMISE it's worth it.

Peace. That's the main thing. My home is my sanctuary I run back and hide in when the world feels too much. Instead of somewhere I seek to escape as often as possible regardless of what's going on in the world outside.

Tidiness, without spending hours each week clearing up someone else's crap. I clear up my own stuff as I go along, just like I always did.

Spending far less time cleaning because I now live in a property that suits my needs. Instead of somewhere labour intensive, because someone else wanted the biggest and bestest status symbol. Also I'm not dirty or messy so there's less to clean due to that.

Having more disposable income because he never shared finances (unless he was wanting to spend mine!) and I'm no longer paying for someone else's status symbols and leisure activities.

Having space for my hobbies because everywhere isn't taken over with his.

Being able to be myself, from how I look to how I act and the choices I make about what I do. The freedom feels amazing.

Being able to think due to not having my thoughts focused on someone else and the relationship dynamics, at all times. All that wasted brain capacity is now spent on me and improving my own life.

Flourishing under my own kindness. Because there's something so incredibly self destructive in even silently tolerating abuse - and the subconscious knows it. It isn't water off a duck's back to become indifferent and harden your heart, not letting it get to you. It's suppression of your emotions, of your true self. And it's terribly harmful to you. It's disrespecting yourself to expect yourself to tolerate it. Walking away from that gives you the space to feel again, to start acting in a respectful manner towards yourself as well as others (no more making excuses for his shitty behaviour) and that's healing.

Have I done anything massive with my life? Bought a property? Travelled? Partied? Excelled in a job, got promoted or changed career? Have I amassed a fortune? Gained a huge group of friends? Climbed a mountain or run a marathon?No. But I've found quiet contentment in the daily rhythms of life and in being pure, unadulterated, joyous me. Which is priceless.

I can highly recommend you cast off the shackles of someone else's misery. It was never your load to bear. Hand it back and move on. There may be difficult times ahead, but your steps as you walk through life will feel lighter all the same.

Sleeping in the knowledge that nothing was going to happen.

Never switching the big light on in the bedroom again.

Knowing every penny belonged to me and I decided what it would be spent on.

Eating fish. Any fish, but the stronger tasting and smelling, the better. Must have gone through 100 cans of sardines on toast in the following six months.

Going to the supermarket and buying salad and vegetables rather than crates of Stella.

Eating without the nutritional content being criticised, without the number of separate items on the plate being criticised, without it being thrown away because there was a scrap of fat on the meat or because there were two types of vegetable instead of one. And no sugary, gloopy sauces over everything or the round bits of tomatoes being thrown away.

Not being bollocked for being council house scum because I didn't drink, whereas 'every middle class family has wine with every meal'.

Spending Christmas at home and eating what I liked instead of being dragged across London for a slice of dry turkey, 3/4 of a boiled potato and some chicken Oxo before having to sit formally to be presented with a size 32 dressing gown 'to fit you' when I was a 16 precisely because I was pregnant.

Being able to buy and read books.

Listening to music I liked, from Metallica to The Marriage of Figaro.

Painting my nails every colour under the sun.

Wearing sandals and having dark green toenails with gold glitter knowing I wouldn't be called a cheap council whore who would have her toes smashed with a hammer if she was ever caught.

Being able to walk barefoot to the bathroom without being ordered to tiptoe like a 'normal woman would'.

Being able to relax my feet instead of having to point the toes, as apparently having toes that weren't absolutely straight in line with the sole at all times was 'deformed'.

Being able to watch University Challenge and documentaries instead of Top Gear, Big Brother and Eastenders.

Being able to buy things without wondering idly how much damage they would do when thrown at me.

Cuddle the cat and let her clean herself whilst sitting on my lap.

Never having The Silence, deciding whether it was better to provoke the explosion so it was over and done with or to wait and see if it was going to happen today, tomorrow or at 3am when I was asleep (see above for the Big Light going on).

It was absolutely lovely to not have that all hanging over me all of the time.

Stopped holding my breath

@PennyWhistleSweetFreedom in everything you do. Freedom to find you. Freedom to feel your feelings. Freedom to fcuk up. Freedom to feel. Freedom in everyway shape and form, from what you wear, spend, where you go and what you and your boys do.

The aftermath of abuse can be hard at times. Take the help and therapy there. Make a gratitude list daily to remember what you have, that your alive and living even when it's painful

Been there done it. I survived, happily remarried, all my youngsters in good long-term recovery with happy successful lives, careers, marriages and children

Good luck

If I have sex it’s because I want to.

Write a list of things you want to do and then book them in, without having to get permission.
Doing things for you as well as the kids.
I choose what they wear, how we do bedtime routine, what we eat... so small but such a difference.
If I don't do something or forget then it is on me and I won't be berated for it.
The biggest win for me is that sense of peace and calm in our home. I see it in the kids and myself.
You won't regret it. Wishing yiu all the positivity and luck.

Mine is a simple thing. I could buy and use Christmas decorations in any colour I wanted. He insisted I only had red, green or gold decorations on a green tree.

Now, DH doesnt have any opinion so I can have blue and silver themed trees. The only time any red or green appeared were choices by DS (DH's son not abusive mans).

And like a previous poster, flowers! They were bought for apologies and as a get out at birthdays or Christmas. I can buy them now or DH buys them - just because!

Good luck!

I'm reading this in anticipation of emancipation -stbx, a vindictive, menacing bully who's had everyone else charmed, has ended it after 20 years and 2 DC.

I'm so looking forward to the peace and freedom of not having to commit so much energy to keeping him regulated and on an even keel.

For me it was the simple things

I can decorate the way I want

I can have tacky Christmas bedding

The takeaway food is my choice

I don't panic every time the phone goes

If I want another cat, I can just get the damn cat

I can wear what I want

I can laugh

I can cry

I can breathe. Just breathe

Did a degree and got first class honours.

Wrote a book about what he put me through and took the kids on a month long luxury holiday to far flung lands with the proceeds.

Got court orders meaning he couldn’t come anywhere near me or the DC again.

Found the love of my life, after nearly a decade of healing. The kindest man in the world.

Set up a successful business.

Life is more than OK now.

Getting the best night's sleep ever... without crying myself to sleep.. or getting anxiety and stress... worrying what tomorrow would always bring. .. moving into my new home... having friends round whenever l want... not telling my daughters to be quiet kn case they annoyed him... getting paint and play doh out and doing baking and making as much mess as we want .. going a day or even a week without having to dust and vacuum for inspection...l could name over 100 positive things ... but we became happy and laughter filled our house again.

Being able to eat fish, and cheese!
seeing the kids flourish
not having sports on TV 24/7
being able to have chocolate without being criticised
no-one snoring next to me
being able to wear clothes I love
not having to spend time with his awful family
not feeling guilty for spending time with friends
Not having to listen to criticism daily
not having to put up with a man-child
being able to relax
not steeling myself for the key in the door

I realised we were all mending when I heard the kids bickering about something, about 6 months after I left exH, and smiled as it was the first time I’d heard them being “normal” teens.

Just to add to my post from yesterday, I also broke up with exH after a holiday. Twenty years of poor behaviour and whilst we were away he started the same thing on our daughter. The same tactics to bully and control. Soon after I said I was done.

The first holiday I went on without him was a place he always wanted to go to. That was out of spite. The first holiday after the divorce was a country where he said he'd never set foot in, despite never ever going there. I plan to go to all the places now he never wanted to because he thought they were not worthy for whatever daft reasons.

I hope other women who are currently being miserable on holiday because of their partner, see this thread and find the strength to change things for themselves for the better.

You should be bloody proud of yourself!! It's incredibly tough to leave that sort of environment when you've been beaten down for years.

I'm proud of me too 😊I can now go into the office whenever I like without being interrogated (I mostly work from home). I can have online meetings with male colleagues without being given the death stare. My daughter can have friends round and practise her singing and dancing. My cats are allowed to roam the house and I'm not forced to lock them in another room at night.

I could wear the clothes I wanted to wear again and eat the food I wanted to eat. I didn’t feel my heart drop when he got into bed or wake up in the morning with a lump in my throat worrying what the day will bring!
The children being able to play with toys and make a normal amount of mess without fear of them getting binned or put just out of reach.

honestly so so many things it’s unreal. It’s hard but worth every single second.

it wasn’t all rosy, both kids and myself have needed a fair amount of therapy since leaving but i finally feel we are moving forward and I have friends again and I can see my mum and I have my money as my own! Sorry im rambling but so many good things!

I've lost weight. Lots of weight. I was stress eating.

I buy myself flowers regularly. Just the cheap small bouquet from the supermarket.

I don't have to get up and 5am to have peace.