AIBU to be put off by SIL's extreme religious views?

[Readytrew]

DH is from another country and we visit his relatives there every couple of years. He’s not religious at all, but a lot of his family are practising Christians (some Catholic, some evangelical). I’ve never had an issue with it each to their own, live and let live.

However, during our last visit, I found myself feeling quite unsettled by SIL. She and her DH (my BIL) are very evangelical, and I was genuinely taken aback by some of the things she said. It honestly felt a bit cultish at times.

At a family wedding, most people were dancing and enjoying the music (Catholics included), but SIL and BIL weren’t. Someone asked why, and SIL said they don’t dance or listen to any music that isn’t explicitly Christian because it’s "against God." It wasn’t just a personal choice, she said it with a kind of moral superiority, like those who do dance or enjoy "secular" music are spiritually inferior.

She’s fervent in her beliefs and, frankly, some of what she said came across as really self-righteous. There were several comments that made it very clear she sees me and DH (we're both atheists) as somehow less-than or spiritually poor. It was all a bit much, very puritanical, very black-and-white thinking.

I’ve always been open-minded about different beliefs, but now I find myself feeling really uncomfortable around her. I used to see her as friendly, but now I just see someone who is a bit fanatical tbh.

AIBU to be put off by this? It’s not the religion itself, I have no issue with people practising their faith, but this just feels… extreme and quite intolerant, if I’m honest. There have been extreme views expressed in past by her too that are anti abortion and anti gay.

I only see her every couple of years so not a huge deal but I'm less inclined to keep I touch on WhatsApp like before now. I also have a DD aged 4 and am worried about her being exposed to some of these extreme views on future visits.

Agreed that you’ll never win a theological conversation with a religious person if you’re an atheist, because you’re arguing across a crevasse. They think that God exists and has views about what they do, and that what the Bible says is where you hold the argument. You’re arguing from outside their worldview.

TBF you’re not asking how to argue with them, so don’t. I might be tempted to say ‘oh I’m sorry, what a shame’ on hearing that they don’t dance or listen to secular music, but I’d resist the temptation because I don’t want to be unpleasant. I’d just nod and disappear. So yes, I think minimising contact is probably the simplest answer. After all, one day they might let go of this silliness, and it’s best not to have had too much bad blood.

If they were expressing homophobia, I’d speak up a little more, but with any luck if you don’t talk to them the problem won’t arise.

we have family members who are part of what I consider to be an extreme evangelist sect (in the uk) they don’t believe in evolution, in dinosaurs , do not believe women should have any position of leadership (in or out of the church), believe men rule over their wives like how Jesus rules the church and they should be obeyed/ have final say on all household matters. They believe in biological destiny of women to have children (except for infertility in which case they don’t believe with most types of fertility treatment) My nieces and nephews got married very young by UK standards having never being alone with the people they were marrying and most their community home schools to avoid secular influences There are no cultural differences between us.
I choose that these aren’t people to spend time with. I’m not a blood is thicker than water type generally and I would definitely rather spend time with people that are more aligned to my core values. I choose not to surround myself with hatred, judgement or discriminatory views. We will very occasionally see one another at a distant family party but this is rare as they would not partake in similar events to us. It is such a shame, when religion creates such a divide in families but sometimes it is incredibly difficult to bridge the gap.

Yeah I’d get as far away from that nonsense as is manageable. And ensure she’s not left alone with your child ever as if this is what she says in front of you, it’s probably even crazier when you aren’t there.

I have zero tolerance with homophobia and misogyny so if she said any of that crap around my kids I wouldn’t hesitate to go NC

i am Jewish but secular and my husband is an atheist raised catholic. When I started dating him a whole branch of my family threatened to go NC if we stayed together as I was being a bad person or whatever. I happily never spoke to my uncles again as I don’t need that sort of negativity in my life. Just a story to note that it’s fine to find out what your line is and stick to it if she goes too far.

I was thinking of Footloose too!

She sounds like a complete and utter bore.

I am a Christian and part of a C of E church. Went to a wedding recently and was part of a table of church members. We were the loudest table, laughing, singing and dancing (to "secular" music). Its really sad that some Christians seem to think that God wants us to love boring lives. Nothing could be further from the truth. Jesus said "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (John 10:10).

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly." (Matthew 11:29 msg).

"You know SIL, I think that when you die you'll find out there's no Heaven nor Hell, you'll just disappear and will have lived a whole life of misery and self-restraint for nothing. I believe there's no God, no Devil, no eternal life, no prize nor punishment. But I don't chase you around telling you this every time I see you, well, because I am a kind person and don't want to upset you with my beliefs. Now, will you please treat me the same way and stop ranting about your beliefs all the time? We all know what you belief and we'll live happier lives if you just stop jabbering about them. Thank you."

Well yeah she’s nuts so just ignore her

I generally steer clear of hateful bigots regardless of whether religion is involved or not.

I can't imagine why her not dancing to secular music 'shook you to the core'. What an extreme reaction. And nothing worse than folks questioning why you're not dancing at a party. I can hear the music and if I wish to dance I will...

You don't have to be bosom buddies or even mildly friendly. Just accept you're on opposite ends of the religious spectrum and keep it moving. If she's that judgemental she'll likely be in hell anyway, so 🤷🏾‍♀️.

She attended the wedding knowing there would be music/dancing and simply didn’t partake. She only explained why she didn’t dance when asked.
Maybe there’s more to it but I can’t see a problem with her not dancing due to her beliefs and not imposing that belief on anyone else.

This

It's the sermonising that's the issue. There's a world of difference between "oh I don't dance due to my religion" and the "dancing is sin" type response OP got.

Are they American?

I had a great aunt who was a religious fun sponge, dancing was sinful as can lead to lustful thoughts and fornication. No booze, wouldn’t turn on a light to read by. Smoked 40 cigarettes a day though.

I think she was Methodist, she was very rude about catholic services (pompous) and also her own church when they sent a more effusive priest/ reverend as didn’t want that happy clappy nonsense.

Ah, but didn’t he also commit adultery and then murder? 🤔

three strikes and out, Dave. Sorry mate 😢

I agree OP. I think religion has a lot to answer for and causes as much harm as it does good. It’s the extreme view of your SIL that would put me off.

I was pretty close with a male cousin of mine growing up, and his wife (who he met at university) is like this.
His parents (my mums sister) are pretty religious, so I guess it passed down to him, but the wife took it to a whole new level.

My particular bit of the family are as atheist as they come, and although I only met the wife a few times, I found her pretty obnoxious and "holier than thou". I didn't like her.

But you know who was kindest, and reached out to check on me most often, when my dad died unexpectedly? It was her. Never any mention of god, just lots of messages of "I'm thinking of you", "Hope you're okay." Long, long after everyone else had stopped messaging.
She went up a whole lot in my estimation after that. And when I saw her at a wedding almost a year later, I made a point to pull her aside and say thank you. And nowadays, while I wouldn't say we were friends, there's a mutual respect that wasn't there before.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that although she might not be your type of person - and you are more than welcome to keep whatever distance you like - you are just seeing one side of her.
She might just surprise you one day.

Hmmmm.

How often on MN (and more often on other platforms, more vehemently) do we hear people dismayed because some Muslim families at school, for example, tend not to socialise with non Muslim classmates .

And yet this thread is full of people who would avoid a relative because of their own religious views.

Have confidence in your own moral and ethical choices, OP, and that you are bringing up your Dc with sound values and knowing right from wrong, and let her live her life her way.

Your Dd is hardly likely to become a niche-Christian and adopt her ways based on occasional contact, but might learn a lot about the world. How on earth do you learn to critique something that is kept hidden from you?

My Dc have Jewish cousins and Muslim cousins. I was brought up Baptist (now atheist). My Dc are very erudite about different world views, fluent in debate and independent thinking.

You don’t have to agree with one iota of your SIL’s views, nor do you have to take it personally by being affected by any judgement that may (or may not) be going on because you don’t believe in the basis of her judgement. So 🤷🏻♀️

I'd probably enjoy challenging her bonkers beliefs

You say you only see her every couple of years so I don’t think you have to worry about your daughter being exposed to her views.

I agree with you, she sounds very extreme. It’s ok to not agree with her views. It’s also ok to set boundaries if she eg tries to impose her views on you or your daughter. As long as she doesn’t impose her views on you you just have to be respectful of each other’s life choices. But that doesn’t mean you have to feel obliged to stay in touch regularly.

Are they African?

People aren't worried about the religious views. They are worried about the preaching / judgy attitude from the SIL.

None of my Muslim friends have ever felt the need to tell me my diet was sinful. They simply politely request their correct diet when requests are needed.

Eh?