AIBU to be put off by SIL's extreme religious views?

[Readytrew]

DH is from another country and we visit his relatives there every couple of years. He’s not religious at all, but a lot of his family are practising Christians (some Catholic, some evangelical). I’ve never had an issue with it each to their own, live and let live.

However, during our last visit, I found myself feeling quite unsettled by SIL. She and her DH (my BIL) are very evangelical, and I was genuinely taken aback by some of the things she said. It honestly felt a bit cultish at times.

At a family wedding, most people were dancing and enjoying the music (Catholics included), but SIL and BIL weren’t. Someone asked why, and SIL said they don’t dance or listen to any music that isn’t explicitly Christian because it’s "against God." It wasn’t just a personal choice, she said it with a kind of moral superiority, like those who do dance or enjoy "secular" music are spiritually inferior.

She’s fervent in her beliefs and, frankly, some of what she said came across as really self-righteous. There were several comments that made it very clear she sees me and DH (we're both atheists) as somehow less-than or spiritually poor. It was all a bit much, very puritanical, very black-and-white thinking.

I’ve always been open-minded about different beliefs, but now I find myself feeling really uncomfortable around her. I used to see her as friendly, but now I just see someone who is a bit fanatical tbh.

AIBU to be put off by this? It’s not the religion itself, I have no issue with people practising their faith, but this just feels… extreme and quite intolerant, if I’m honest. There have been extreme views expressed in past by her too that are anti abortion and anti gay.

I only see her every couple of years so not a huge deal but I'm less inclined to keep I touch on WhatsApp like before now. I also have a DD aged 4 and am worried about her being exposed to some of these extreme views on future visits.

From my understanding, your SIL and partner probably do believe they are saved and you are damned, because you are a non believer.
Bearing this in mind, it's hard to see how you could have a genuine relationship with her.

Replace Christian views with vegan. Most vegans just crack on with being vegan, but some are really preachy. It's exactly the same as this. She is entitled to her opinions, regardless of what they are, but if you don't like her 'preachy' attitude that's understandable.

You can either see less of her, if you don't want to salvage the relationship, or if you do you need to have a friendly chat asking her to rein in the preachy aspect. How she responds is up to her.

Well, you also have beliefs. They are just opposite to hers in many ways.

She looks down on you for being a heathen. You look down on her for being a batshit religious zealot. They probably cancel each other out. Just accept it and let it wash over you, safe in the knowledge that you rarely have to see them!

Dance Dance wherever you may be
I am the Lord if the Dance said he

…sing that one at her

I totally get your annoyance but if you only see her once every couple of years and you don't otherwise live in each other's pockets, then I don't really see it as a massive issue. Your DD is hardly likely to be drawn into "the cult" if she has such limited contact with her.

You should watch 'Everyone else burns', Channel 4 comedy about a family in a fundamentalist Christian group - you'll see some similarities I imagine.

I think you're best off dropping your calls and messages to this sanctimonious couple, they sound like they are enjoying the judgemental part of their brand of old testament heavy Christianity, and their views are offensive - being homophobic because God told you to be doesn't make it any less nasty.

On the rare occassion you see them at family gatherings, I'd be wary of them having little chats with your daugter - to them she's a soul to save before she's a neice.

I definitely would not want to expose my child to the bigoted rantings of a religious fanatic. Fortunately, you live in a different country so it’s easy to keep contact to an absolute minimum. She’s your husband’s sister, so he will obviously want to maintain a relationship with her, but you don’t have to join in.

I grew up against a backdrop of evangelical Christianity. Trust me you can never win.

Wouldn't want to be around that, nor have my children listening to it.
Wouldn't hesitate to say it either.
Her business what she believes, but I don't want to hear about it.

That's hilarious - and utterly bonkers 🤣

These people sound like the congregation of my childhood church - strict evangelical born again Christians. They would never have danced or drunk or smoked. Or done anything else fun.

With your SIL I'd be much more upset by the anti abortion and homophobic views tbh. Keep a wide berth.

As a Christian who doesn't listen to secular music or drink, she sounds like a right nightmare. I wouldn't draw attention to myself at a wedding. (That's what loops are for). I recently attended my DH best friends wedding and it was a gorgeous celebration of love.
I wouldn't dream of shoving my beliefs down anyone else's throat. What I believe is between me and God. My DH likes country music, my DD likes k-pop, my DS likes a mixture of worship, pop and 90s music.

While SIL sounds very unpleasant, you shouldn't give her any power in her judgement. You could even hold her accountable and tell her "that's not very Christ like of you" 🙊

You see I would have asked her “Have you ever seen Footloose? You should watch it, it’s great!”

There is a streak in me that cannot help but demonstrate to someone with a sense of superiority over me that I am utterly bemused by it.
The fact you feel needled by it might be worth examining. I certainly wouldn’t be.

She sounds bonkers. Point her towards Psalm 149.3, "Let them praise His name with dancing, let them sing praises to Him with timbrel and harp."

Yabu to be surprised. Religious people from fervent backgrounds are usually not "nice" by Western secular standards. Just as she thinks you're going to hell you think she's wasting her one chance at life steeped in miserable judgemental self denial.

Obviously you're right and she's wrong but still 🤣

Seeing as she's your partner's relative, I'd be leaving all contact to him in future.

Luckily for you, she's in another country so you aren't going to come across each other much.

This also means that her and BIL's impact on your kids is going to be minimal, apart from a learning opportunity of 'some people have different beliefs to us'. And 'no, their beliefs don't sound much fun do they, imagine not being able to dance or listen to music.'

Is she Mennonite?

Mennonites believe that dancing is of the world. They strictly follow the teachings of the scriptures, which according to 1st John 2:15, urges Christians not to love the world and the things of the world. The Mennonites consider dancing a form of worldly entertainment, and therefore, they shun away from dancing since it’s a world method of pleasure. They do so to obey and be in line with the scriptures.

There is extremists in all religious beliefs.
I wouldn't pay any attention to her.

I’m a practicing Christian and have been my whole life and I think I would be put off by this!
There’s lots of Bible verses that go against this kind of view where you look down on people.
Let him who is without sin cast the first stone and take the log out of your own eye before taking the speck off of someone else’s. You could quote those at her!

Have you stopped dancing? Are the rest of us going to hell?

Some posters are mentioning references to dances and music in the Bible - but these would fall under the heading of religious music which the sil said she would listen to. So not much pointing quoting scripture to her! (Plus you'll never "win" in a scripture contest with an evangelical!)

Some religious folks feel the need to express their views very prominently and others dont. You dont have to maintain a relationship with someone you don't think is a positive addition to your life.
But she's the SIL so isn't going to disappear from your life either. I'd dial back any "out of family event" contact, so don't bother with WhatsApp or video calls. But continue to be polite at the events whilst avoiding any topics of potential controversy.
If later down the line she attempts to say something that offends you or is against your principles for your family, just say "thanks for your views SIL, but they don't align with mine. So best that these topics are not discussed in front of DD/at weddings etc. "

There'll be an awful lot of us there then!

@Readytrew

I think British people are often very shocked by how ... fundamentalist... a lot of US Christians are. 72% of Christians voted for Trump in the last election.

These people are extremists, and also often weirdly hypocritical because although obsessed with sex and sexuality, they're weirdly laissez fair when it comes to wealth hoarding and 'hating the stranger'.

My evangelical Christian cousin asked me if I believed in God. I said my conscience spoke to me and told me that there was no evidence that god exists. She responded, "You know whose voice that was? IT WAS THE DEVIL!". 😂