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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or ungrateful for a gift?

47 replies

KK299 · 30/07/2025 14:59

I’m single and live alone. I’m used to my own space being able to do what I want when I want etc but I have been feeling down a lot (miscarried at 18 weeks at the start of the year - wanted but unplanned) and quite frankly lonely at times. I miss the companionship of a relationship and having a partner.

For a big birthday this year my sister and mum booked for me to have a weekend away. It’s for an activity I have been doing for years that I really enjoy. I am grateful they have chosen to do something for me.

But now to get to AIBU part, in years gone by it was something I always done with my sister and her DC which then included mum more recently. Then when my sister met her DH was just me and mum, sister DH and family would still come along for the weekend but we would all kind of do our own thing with the occasional lunches or dinners together.

This year it’s been decided without my consultation that instead of what we have done in the past few years (me and mum sis and family) that a large air b&b would be better. Which is what happened when it was just mum me and sister with dc. But more recently with us split into groups been hotels which I was happy to share room with mum. Now the weekend is coming up I’m actually starting to dread it and thinking of saying I don’t want to go.

I did express my concerns about the air b&b when it was mentioned for my birthday. It sleeps 8 and with 4 adults and 3 kids with 3 bedrooms and sofa bed I thought it might be tight. I was assured it would be ok. The thing is when I’m around it’s expected for me to ‘help’ out with the kids. Which I don’t mind but on my terms and I guess normally would just be for a few hours at time when visiting or agreeing to babysit. I just feel like this weekend I’m going to hate it and feel used.

so now my options are I go and just smile and accept that I have to deal. Tell them instead of carpooling I’m going to be taking my own car (can then go out and do my own thing and be home when I want) or cancel totally and say I can’t go now due to work. I would be missing out but right now it’s how I’m feeling.

it doesn’t help that my sisters youngest is 8 months and I’m still raw about my miscarriage so can be hard being around the baby. My sister and DH as totally in love so feel like I’m missing something myself as I have been feeling down about being single but also seem to take advantage of people being around to help with the kids (kind of expected and assumed). But also I’m so used to living alone that a house with that many people and really no bedroom or alone space that it’s kind of overwhelming. Family get togethers I love but I also love more being able to say I’m going home to my sanctuary. The calmness of a clean and tidy home and the quietness.

OP posts:
ButteredRadish · 30/07/2025 15:02

Don’t go. Politely offer them the ticket and bow out. You know you’re going to end up chief nanny and tea maker the entire time. Before I had DD, this was me! I was treated like an honorary child because I had no kids. Don’t do it.

Ademasstudio · 30/07/2025 15:05

I think everyone would understand if said you’d rather not join op

AvidJadeShaker · 30/07/2025 15:08

How would the bedrooms be allocated if you do go?

Ademasstudio · 30/07/2025 15:10

How long is this stay for?

ObtuseMoose · 30/07/2025 15:11

I think you should go, it's only a weekend and you can't hide away feeling sorry for yourself forever. You might surprise yourself and enjoy it.

SunnySideDeepDown · 30/07/2025 15:13

It sounds like you’ve had a really tough time, but I’m not convinced locking yourself away from family is the way to go. People have kids, partners, it’s normal, you have to get used to it. Your time will come too.

You live a lone so get a lot of alone time, why not see it as a treat to have a busy social week? You’ll soon be back home. If you convince yourself you’re happier alone, you’ll never start to heal.

Original poster
KK299 · 30/07/2025 15:13

AvidJadeShaker · 30/07/2025 15:08

How would the bedrooms be allocated if you do go?

So I was thinking it was me and mum sis and DH and then the 2 oldest with baby in with parents. I did say though that I would need my own room due to work commitments and needing a decent sleep. I’m due to start nightshift the day we get home. Which would mean my sis and DH, mum and one of the kids me and then the other kid on the sofa (which he will love but honestly not great for adults at bedtime).

I should add that we would normally just do 2 nights but this time it’s 3 and that’s why I’m wanting my own room and starting work so soon.

OP posts:
AvidJadeShaker · 30/07/2025 15:15

Is it too far to go for just one night?

Original poster
KK299 · 30/07/2025 15:17

SunnySideDeepDown · 30/07/2025 15:13

It sounds like you’ve had a really tough time, but I’m not convinced locking yourself away from family is the way to go. People have kids, partners, it’s normal, you have to get used to it. Your time will come too.

You live a lone so get a lot of alone time, why not see it as a treat to have a busy social week? You’ll soon be back home. If you convince yourself you’re happier alone, you’ll never start to heal.

I think what’s getting to me more is the on hand babysitting I’ll be expected to do. like at the moment if I’m at hers or she comes into mums etc then the parents kind of step back and let the others kind of be in charge of the kids. It’s hard to explain. Plus having to socialise pretty much all the time.

If it was a larger property or even a hotel where I could retreat to my own space when things get too much I would be totally fine with it. Or even if I just want my own space and alone time.

OP posts:
Original poster
KK299 · 30/07/2025 15:20

AvidJadeShaker · 30/07/2025 15:15

Is it too far to go for just one night?

Not really it’s about a 3 hour drive, this is something I was considering too. That I just go for the 2 full days and stay one night. So drive down early one day and home after dinner the next. with the thought that I could possibly stay extra if I wanted.

OP posts:
Daisy12Maisie · 30/07/2025 15:23

Could you pretend to be unwell the week before so when you are on the weekend you are ok, not infectious but very tired and recovering so you are able to do the activity but might need to go and lie down after that?
Or for a couple of hrs one of the days you might need to write a report for work so you will go to your bedroom with your laptop for some peace.

At gatherings like that I always cook just to have some peace and quiet from the kids etc. So that’s a suggestion if you like cooking.

I sympathise as I recently did a weekend away with my mum and sisters and a toddler and the toddler was a nightmare. Ruined it for everyone really. I won’t do it again.

AvidJadeShaker · 30/07/2025 15:24

Is there any possibility the accommodation could be changed to a four bedroom place?

If it can’t it’s fine to say you’ll give the trip a miss this year as you’ve already requested you need your own bedroom.

Or if you do go it’s also fine not to do the childcare and go out for a walk, stick your headphones on, sit in your shared bedroom etc.

Shodan · 30/07/2025 15:24

Could you book a hotel room or an airbnb for yourself nearby? You could cite your need for sleep and concern about the number of people sharing the original airbnb?

Medlar · 30/07/2025 15:26

Why not switch to someone with enough space for proper bedroom allocation?

No one can make you babysit, you know. 'Off you go and bother your Mum/Dad,' is perfectly possible to say.

Ademasstudio · 30/07/2025 15:29

KK299 · 30/07/2025 15:20

Not really it’s about a 3 hour drive, this is something I was considering too. That I just go for the 2 full days and stay one night. So drive down early one day and home after dinner the next. with the thought that I could possibly stay extra if I wanted.

Show quote history

So it’s only 2 nights?

OP I’d suck it up. Presumably you love your family, close to them and enjoy their company.

AvidJadeShaker · 30/07/2025 15:29

Ademasstudio · 30/07/2025 15:29

So it’s only 2 nights?

OP I’d suck it up. Presumably you love your family, close to them and enjoy their company.

Show quote history

It’s 3 nights.

OhHellolittleone · 30/07/2025 15:34

KK299 · 30/07/2025 15:17

I think what’s getting to me more is the on hand babysitting I’ll be expected to do. like at the moment if I’m at hers or she comes into mums etc then the parents kind of step back and let the others kind of be in charge of the kids. It’s hard to explain. Plus having to socialise pretty much all the time.

If it was a larger property or even a hotel where I could retreat to my own space when things get too much I would be totally fine with it. Or even if I just want my own space and alone time.

Show quote history

Do they know about the miscarriage? Either way maybe a chat with your mum and sister to let them know you’re looking forward to relaxing and won’t be active with the kids this time? They might not like it or laugh it off, but you can make sure they understand by actively doing your own thing - I’m just popping upstairs (ie IM NOT watching the kids so you need to) or ‘if you need me I’ll be here with my wine/tea’ or directly to the kids ‘yes I’d love to play! I’m going to finish this chapter and then I’ll pop outside before tea’. Just be clear you’re not there to babysit with your actions as well as words so that no one is resentful.

CoastalCalm · 30/07/2025 15:49

Why would you need to babysit if all sharing a house ? I’d be careful with avoiding the baby - I was in a similar situation with a miscarriage a month before my nephew was born and our relationship was never the same as with his sister which is a real shame

tinaabbot · 30/07/2025 15:51

Shodan · 30/07/2025 15:24

Could you book a hotel room or an airbnb for yourself nearby? You could cite your need for sleep and concern about the number of people sharing the original airbnb?

I think this would be a good solution if possible

Original poster
KK299 · 30/07/2025 15:57

So the weekend is booked around a yearly event in the town we stay in. So finding somewhere else last minute will be expensive if even at all possible.

They both know about the miscarriage but it was kind of brushed under the carpet. I never wanted kids and it was a shock to them that I actually did. I think age and biological clock kicked in (40) hence the I want this baby with a guy I briefly dated. They said it was a mistake but would support my decision. Then when I lost it comments like it was probably for the best etc were said which I do kind of agree with (not the best relationship with the father) but it still hurts.

Its 3 nights and 4 days it’s booked for, as I said I’m ok with the whole family in small doses but not all the time.

My other compromise is by taking my own transport I can get up early and get out for the day alone and do me. Spend one / two days with them and meals etc or just go for the one night.

OP posts:
Original poster
KK299 · 30/07/2025 16:02

CoastalCalm · 30/07/2025 15:49

Why would you need to babysit if all sharing a house ? I’d be careful with avoiding the baby - I was in a similar situation with a miscarriage a month before my nephew was born and our relationship was never the same as with his sister which is a real shame

The parents seem to think that when others are around they can take a step back. They have 1 each and 1 together (3 in total). Baby crying / needing fed/ changed etc kind of expect others to step up the older ones m is pretty independent and doesn’t need or want much (typical pre teen) the middle is at the age where she wants someone to play or at least she loves adult interaction.

it’s not that I want to avoid the baby but it can get overwhelming. I don’t mind the odd few hours here and there or babysitting if I can help out but I do like to be able to say I’m heading home or I will bring them home at x time.

OP posts:
Ademasstudio · 30/07/2025 16:03

They both know about the miscarriage but it was kind of brushed under the carpet.

and you were 18 weeks pregnant?

OP, suddenly they don’t sound very nice

Ademasstudio · 30/07/2025 16:04

Oh and The parents seem to think that when others are around they can take a step back

you don’t actually really like these people very much do you? Terribly unsupportive during a terrible time for you, off load their children on you; make unilateral changes to the holiday without running by you…

Original poster
KK299 · 30/07/2025 16:08

Ademasstudio · 30/07/2025 15:29

So it’s only 2 nights?

OP I’d suck it up. Presumably you love your family, close to them and enjoy their company.

Show quote history

It’s 3 nights and the plan was to drive down early the Friday and home the Monday after dinner so really 4 days 3 nights

I love my family and we are close but again I think it’s maybe lack of privacy and too much at the one time. I know family get togethers after about 3/4 hrs I’m ready for home and this was before the miscarriage. The business and craziness of it all etc just becomes too much. hence my reservations about the size of the property at the start. I want to point out at the time of booking i was pregnant and if i had carried I would be about 34 weeks pregnant at the time of the break away so I don’t even feel that was taken into account at the time of booking. Plus there may have been the options of BD coming along too as we were trying to see if we could make a relationship work.

OP posts:
2Rebecca · 30/07/2025 16:30

As you weren’t involved in the discussion I would say you can’t make it and that in future you want to be involved in discussions about accommodation without other people assuming you will fit in with their plans. It sounds as though you are treated like a child because you don’t have a partner or children. They are expecting you to tag along like a teenager

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