AIBU or ungrateful for a gift?

[KK299]

I’m single and live alone. I’m used to my own space being able to do what I want when I want etc but I have been feeling down a lot (miscarried at 18 weeks at the start of the year - wanted but unplanned) and quite frankly lonely at times. I miss the companionship of a relationship and having a partner.

For a big birthday this year my sister and mum booked for me to have a weekend away. It’s for an activity I have been doing for years that I really enjoy. I am grateful they have chosen to do something for me.

But now to get to AIBU part, in years gone by it was something I always done with my sister and her DC which then included mum more recently. Then when my sister met her DH was just me and mum, sister DH and family would still come along for the weekend but we would all kind of do our own thing with the occasional lunches or dinners together.

This year it’s been decided without my consultation that instead of what we have done in the past few years (me and mum sis and family) that a large air b&b would be better. Which is what happened when it was just mum me and sister with dc. But more recently with us split into groups been hotels which I was happy to share room with mum. Now the weekend is coming up I’m actually starting to dread it and thinking of saying I don’t want to go.

I did express my concerns about the air b&b when it was mentioned for my birthday. It sleeps 8 and with 4 adults and 3 kids with 3 bedrooms and sofa bed I thought it might be tight. I was assured it would be ok. The thing is when I’m around it’s expected for me to ‘help’ out with the kids. Which I don’t mind but on my terms and I guess normally would just be for a few hours at time when visiting or agreeing to babysit. I just feel like this weekend I’m going to hate it and feel used.

so now my options are I go and just smile and accept that I have to deal. Tell them instead of carpooling I’m going to be taking my own car (can then go out and do my own thing and be home when I want) or cancel totally and say I can’t go now due to work. I would be missing out but right now it’s how I’m feeling.

it doesn’t help that my sisters youngest is 8 months and I’m still raw about my miscarriage so can be hard being around the baby. My sister and DH as totally in love so feel like I’m missing something myself as I have been feeling down about being single but also seem to take advantage of people being around to help with the kids (kind of expected and assumed). But also I’m so used to living alone that a house with that many people and really no bedroom or alone space that it’s kind of overwhelming. Family get togethers I love but I also love more being able to say I’m going home to my sanctuary. The calmness of a clean and tidy home and the quietness.

Thanks this actually makes perfect sense. As wouldn’t have agreed to it if I had been asked or asked to contribute to the weekend.

I would have agreed to a hotel or separate air b&bs

I think my issue lies with the whole it was a gift thing and I am grateful for that but it’s not been bought with my wants or needs in mind.

I think you need to find a way to handle their babysitting expectations.

When you arrive, tell them you’re exhausted and looking forward to recharging. Then always have a book or tablet to hand and head to the garden or out for a walk or to the kitchen for food/drink.

You need to reset it so they know they can’t dump the kids on you.

Not sure how “close” i would be to a family that “swept under the carpet” my miscarriage at 4.5 months

It's your birthday and you've been through a lot. I wouldn't go. Stay home and relax. Book yourself to have a massage and nails done. Do what you want to, don't pander to everyone else! It's 3 days of what other people want, as no body asked you!

Honestly? They're doing something for themselves and dressing it up as a gift for you.

I think a "that's a really kind thought, but I do wish you'd discussed it with me before making the arrangements. This sort of weekend isn't my sort of thing at all even at the best of times, and I'll be honest I'm still working through everything that's happened this year and I'm just not in the right place for this sort of set up. I hope you have a great time, but given the timing I'm going to bow out."

Also, fuck the babysitting expectations, even during short visits. Wait them out.

The baby is crying? Not your issue. If they have the gall to ask you to feed/change, a slightly humorous "that's was not even a little bit on my list of goals for today" or "I'm just in the middle of reading this/doing this puzzle/contemplating the crack in the ceiling, so I'll pass" or whatever works.

For the middle one - I have nieces and nephews like this and you can interact on your own terms. They come to you, have a bit of a play, and then when they keep boomeranging back, redirect them to their parents. "That's lovely, I bet mum would love to see it" or "I think your dad is the real expert on this one, I think you should ask him to help this time."

I'd go but travel yourself and leave early so you can sleep in your own bed before nightshift starts.

Sorry if i missed it but why are the kids even going? Doesn't sound like they'll benefit much from being there. It's your birthday weekend not a crèche.

I’d take your own car and leave after 2 nights if possible

The more I think about it, a family holiday for everyone is a pretty shit birthday gift, especially for a big birthday.

They haven't booked a weekend away for you, they've booked a weekend away for everyone. And then they've dressed it up as your special birthday present.

I wouldn’t go OP.

I was in a similar position (but my husband’s family and they did not know my circumstances) and I thought it would be unpleasant and I could do it, but I could not. My husband said we didn’t have to go and I wish I had listened. Ultimately that would have been best for everyone.

And in your situation, it’s your birthday! If this is not what you want, politely decline.

Do you get the sofa bed?

Did they help you when you needed support? If so, I’d see it as a mutual arrangement. Parents are shattered and will often take help where they can. If they’re generous with support to you, I’d say return the favour with a bit of auntie help.

If they are nice people, I’m sure they’ll support you when you go on to have your family (which will happen if that’s what you want).

If they’re aren’t supportive, then absolutely just leave the room when they leave you to care for the kids. Make it a good time to go read in your room, or go for a stroll, or make the drinks etc.

So the kids have always went initially years ago it was me sister and my nephew which then started to included mum when dad passed away.

when my sister met DH he would come along with his DC but they would get their own air b&b or hotel and I would be with mum. So in more recent years it was never an issue.

it’s an annual event we go to for the weekend which is very much child friendly

having read all the comments I’m thinking the way forward is to explain that I’m feeling the 3 nights /4 days might be too much for me.

that I will still go along but likely only for the 2 nights and will be travelling alone. This way I can travel there the Friday afternoon and then home the Sunday morning. If I’m doing ok I can drive home later or stay the extra night.

We are actually short staffed in work so makes sense I want to have a decent sleep before I go back. I’m going to stick to a similar routine as home too. Get up early morning and go for a walk with my coffee (dog coming along so a beach walk sounds good anyway). Do the family thing that afternoon and evening but take a step back from the kids.

then repeat the walk the following morning and head home.

for those saying about help with the kids, I do baby sit and I don’t honestly mind helping out but it has to be on my terms. So if they need overnight care or having a date night I’m happy to step up (the only one that does this for them) and have done since oldest nephew was 5 weeks. I also don’t mind being the cool aunt that will kick a football around etc but more recently with the baby after my loss I can sometimes struggle. Plus doing this for a few hours here and there is very different than sharing a home with them for 4 days.

we have supported each other over the years but there’s supporting and then parents thinking other people should look after the kids (changing nappies, entertaining them etc).

I don’t want to miss out on a weekend I would normally enjoy and was really my idea to begin with so I do want to go for the actual weekend. It’s just the accommodation that’s the issue.

i actually spoke to a mate about how I’m feeling and I think she hit the nail on the head with things. As I was very opposed to having kids my whole life (v career orientated and openly said i never wanted kids) then suddenly at 39 I found out I was pregnant and deciding to keep the baby in a less than ideal situation. She even admits she was shocked I was keeping the baby. I didn’t even know I would have until I got that positive test I would have said I would have aborted. So I guess that’s why my family maybe weren’t as supportive as they could have been. Also she pointed out that as parents unless you have lost a child then maybe they just don’t get how upsetting it can be. Which again makes sense as I guess I wouldn’t have really know the emotional turmoil someone goes through. Yeah I can sympathise but until I experienced it I never knew how much grief it causes and how you have to carry that every day. I’m not making excuses but it does help me make sense if things from their perspective.

I think this is an absolute rubbish gifts. I think you have two choices. Lie, work commitment or illness. The other is to sit down with your mum and tell her what you have told us.

I would make a crib sheet and include, that the miscarriage is still raw, that you feel you become chief childminders without being asked. The place is too cramped. The fact that you are going on night immediately on your return.

i would end by saying that you know they meant well, but you feel your needs have not been considered.

What's the activity, are the others going to do it too?

Crap ‘gift’ tbh. Taking your own car is the way forward. I hope you’re getting your own room? Don’t do any looking after of dc, send away the middle one if you don’t want the interaction. Don’t get up to the baby crying, it’s not your responsibility. Hope you’re ok. 🥰

Have read your updates

Definitely agree with taking your own transport.

I would remind your family that you will be quite close to what would have been your due date, and you know you will have very mixed emotions. So you will be using your own transport in case you need to take yourself off, and you would appreciate no expectations in respect of babysitting around that time. But other than that, you are looking forward to it.

Or however you want to finish on an upbeat tone.

If they ask you to look after the kids, just make an excuse “ah work are calling” and walk off, or say your tired and need a nap.
why should you look after their kids on whats supposed to be your big birthday and theyve all failed to support you through loosing your child. Nope!

Also she pointed out that as parents unless you have lost a child then maybe they just don’t get how upsetting it can be.

huh?

you think your family weren’t supportive because they didn’t grasp how upsetting losing a child can be??

your family weren’t supportive and brushed under the carpet because…. They’re not very nice

I would make it clear that in future you don’t want extended family holidays as presents as you like to choose your accommodation