Another MIL one...

[Vampgirl21]

I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or not when it comes to my mother in law so would appreciate some opinions please? There's a bit of a backstory, she's been very rude and has insulted me on many occasions, has absolutely no respect for any boundaries at all and has been quite possessive over her son over the years comparing our relationship to her relationship with him. I've politely told her when I think she's overstepped, as has my DH, and tried to keep things as amicable as possible but I'll admit I'm not keen on her as a person and I'm fairly certain she feels the same way about me.

We've not long had our first child and I had a very difficult pregnancy and recovery but my DH is great and we've muddled through together. I inadvertently offended her when she offered help in the first week or so after we brought our wee girl home. We didn't really need any help and I just wanted to be at home with my DH and my older child getting bf established etc without anyone else there. She had visited a couple of times so wasnt like she hadn't seen baby. Now when she visits I'll admit I'm already on edge and uncomfortable but I feel.so uncomfortable with her holding DD and can't bring myself to let her watch her without us as she doesn't listen when we try and let her know how she likes to be held, when she's unhappy, hungry etc. She has tried to take the baby out my arms when I've barely finished feeding and when she fusses MIL will just keep trying and failing to settle her instead of handing her back to me or DH. She just keeps saying it's not her first rodeo. For context there are no other grandchildren, no small children in her wider family and her own children are in their 40's so it's been some time since she's been on that horse! Ultimately I dont think she is a bad person and I want to be able to have MIL spend time with her grandchild without feeling so uncomfortable about it. Have no issues leaving DD with my own Mum or Dad which means DH is feeling a bit like his family aren't treated the same way. Any suggestions as to how I get by this?

You just have to trust her. You don't need to like her.

Nothing that you've said suggests the baby will come to any harm, and it would be punishing the baby to not give the relationship with grandmother a good go because she's offended you by offering advice.

I remember a friend holding my baby when he was about a month and I was just so uncomfortable and angsty. My baby was absolutely fine but I just wanted him back in my arms. It’s understandable you’re feeling like this but also it’s important for MIL to form a bond. Can you subtly give MIL loads of jobs to do so she feels useful? Folding washing or a big pile of ironing? Also would MIl be ameanable to a quick chat about how you’re feeling anxious if she holds your baby for too long. Or if you’ve got another child how perhaps you’re worried that they’re feeling left out by MILs attention in baby?

Your baby, your choice. I would also feel annoyed to have a small baby whisked away just after feeding or not handed back if they were fussing. I would be firm on this even if it is uncomfortable.

I think you're being a bit unfair. Is she holding the baby safely? If so, let her have some time figuring out what her and the baby are comfortable. I was always a bit confused about my dad's baby holding strategy until I realised that she always went straight off to sleep when he was bouncing her and started employing his tactic myself!

I do think on the hungry/tired thing, gentle firmness can be the way forward here, backed by your DH. So if you think th ebaby is hungry and she is saying "no, just let her cry for a bit she'll settle" a polite but firm, "MIL, I know when she's hungry, let me just feed her and you can have a cuddle after" is perfectly okay. MIL was a big believer in "he's not really hungry, just let him cry for a bit" and I had to be quite firm with her a few times. It was helped by DH making it clear that I was far more likely to know when the baby was hungry than MIL was.

I absolutely don't think baby will come to any actual harm, I have no concerns in that respect. I absolutely want them to have a good relationship but I just feel so uncomfortable around her as she's constantly overstepped so many boundaries in the past. Do I just suck it up and leave them for an hour together? Try and spend more time with them both together? Trying to get her to help with housework etc wouldn't work, I think that would offend her more. She complained I didn't offer her a cup of tea when she visited the first week we got home after DD was born. I was feeding DD and recovering from a section so I feel she could have organised that for herself!

well she raised your DH to the man he is today so im gathering she didnt do a bad job! You just need to trust her, you dont have to like her.

My MIL was like that, in the end we told her “youve been here enough times to no longer be a guest, you know where the kettle is.”
She was pretty good as the years went on even washed up for me & helped with the housework when i was bed bound for a few weeks after major surgery. So don’t hold that against your mil. Life is to short - you will miss her when shes gone, believe me!

She sounds like an idiot. I can't imagine being upset that a new mum, feeding a baby and recovering from surgery didn't make me a cup of tea. You are right to be wary of her.

No one decides to have a baby because "it will be nice for mil to be a grandmother", and you don't owe her anything. You also don't have to be "fair". The baby is not a toy to be shared equally amongst both grandparents. No neonate or even infant needs or benefits from a relationship with paternal grandmother. I really don't think that's a thing. As children get older it's lovely to have a good relationship with grandparents on both sides. Obviously that has to start somewhere, so you are right to not shut her out. But ultimately your baby needs you not her and it is instinct to be protective. You have not done anything wrong and if you are anxious about her it's probably more a reflection of you having a poor relationship with her to begin with. That's on her to fix.

If she says it's not her first rodeo again say "yes mil, you have had your turn many years ago. Now it's my turn. Please give me back my baby'.

DH was raised by his grandparents mostly, they have a pretty complex relationship. She's changed according to DH and I definitely don't have any safety concerns I just don't know the best way to make myself feel more comfortable around her with DD. I suppose I've never felt comfortable around her at all but I want that to change, I'm just not sure where to start. Fundamentally she's a good person, she's just got poor social skills and doesn't recognise boundaries at all. So do I just have to put myself outside my comfort zone and let her spend time with DD and hope I get used to it?

Was your DH there when she complained about you not making her a cup of tea? She was out of order regardless, but even more so if she expected a woman who had just given birth to make her a drink when her own son was there.

You or your DH need to tell her that it makes you uncomfortable when she tries to take your baby out of your arms. If she stopped doing those things and waited for you to ask her if she wanted to hold the baby, I'm sure you would feel much more relaxed and welcoming.

It sounds like you’ve decided you don’t like her so are finding any reason you can to try push her out. She’s your baby’s grandmother like it or not. I agree it’s wrong for her to try and take the baby out of your arms, absolutely. However the rest is just a difference in approaches.
I’m going to have to be harsh here and point out a bit of the obvious, such as that you absolutely do not have grounds to solely refuse her permission to hold the baby and/or care for her alone IF your DH says it’s fine. He’s as much the baby’s parent as you are. As PP said though, I cannot see anything to suggest your baby would not be cared for properly. Just because her kids are in their 40s, doesn’t mean she’s forgotten how to look after a baby! It’s not really something you forget….

Well no, it’s also the father’s baby and his choice too…🤨

How old is your DD and do you need to leave her with MIL? She doesn't sound like a bad person but I recognise some of these things from my MIL when I was newly postpartum.

Took baby out my arms one time (had tried at the door) - every other visit I've handed him over and she expects to hold him the entire time. Pressuring to give formula when he's healthy and chubby breastfeeding. Asking if he needs changing as if I wouldn't have changed him if he did, pointing out things about him as if I hadn't spotted or dealt with them (he's got a bogey in his nose, he's got cradle cap). Not giving him back immediately when hungry and trying to distract him.

She has got a lot better but the main thing is I actually grew a backbone and started speaking up when there was something bothering me that wasn't majorly obvious. Like if my ILs were holding him at an uncomfortable angle, I wanted to check his temperature, he needed a nap, I'd speak up and stopped worrying about causing offence. And I have seen MIL be good about listening to me and then following what I wanted the next time the situation came up.

She is lovely in general but it's a tough dynamic change and my own parents aren't around, we see them at least weekly. I do think they'll be very doting grandparents and that it will be great for my child to have them around and spend time with them, do the odd sleepover as MIL is already talking about - gives us a break as well - but I'm not comfortable about babysitting for a while. Maybe after I've gone back to work, for now there just isn't a need.

I strongly disagree with the first poster.

You don’t owe her things her way all the time just to appease her. You matter. You are the child’s mother. I would be a bit more assertive when she takes her out your arms before you are ready, say something!! ‘Excuse me I’m not finished yet’ and tinkly laugh. Or Paddington stare. Something!!!!

So many MILs are keen to play mummy again and it takes them a while to realise the new role of grandma is slightly different. My MIL and own mother both took time to find this groove. My own mum called herself mummy to my baby absent mindedly a number of times and I had to say no you’re the granny now!!

PLease don’t seethe in silence just to make grandma happy. She can still have a relationship she doesn’t need to go full force now …she has the toddler and child years to bond with baby too.

Sorry but YABU. She will learn, without doing your baby any harm. You are probably making her very nervous, watching her incessantly and interfering unnecessarily. Presumably she brought up your DH to be the person you love!

I would say that you are in a hyper sensitive phase of post-partum so any pre-existing reservations or discomfort is just amplified massively. I could barely stand to be around my in-laws after I had my first and I generally have a very good relationship with them. The intensity of the feeling will pass and usually GPs calm down a bit too as the baby gets older.

Do I just suck it up and leave them for an hour together? Try and spend more time with them both together?

Yes. You know your baby won't come to harm so just let them get on with it. Either with you or without, whichever works for you. She won't get any better at settling the baby without spending more time together.

I think you've misread my post tbh but it's not about who's "getting their way" and who owes who. OP said she wants to feel less uncomfortable about MIL's relationship with baby.

The baby has two parents and unless there is a safety concern then OP has no grounds to get in the way of a relationship that the baby's father understandably wants to facilitate. OP seems to accept that, but after a first baby anxiety is high. The best way to do that is to allow it and see that it's okay.

Yes. If MIL had just gone ahead and made the tea herself without OP suggesting she do so, I can’t help wondering whether OP would have been annoyed about that.

Also in addition to my comment above, absolutely no fucking way am I leaving my baby with my in laws for an hour without me present. I’m currently holding my third newborn baby so I’m not a first time mum. Baby’s dad can have baby alone but I’m not leaving my baby with someone who’s last experience of a newborn was 40 years ago. I don’t have to and I shouldn’t have to justify. My baby, I do what makes me feel comfortable. Grandparents rights don’t exist…they have our children when we feel happy with it.

and I will fully be respectful to all my own children’s wishes with their babies when the day comes. I will take a huge step back and wait to be directed/ asked.

I disagree with some of the posters here.

I love my MIL but also struggled early on with some of the things we disagreed on (this was pre-kids but did come up again when DD was born).

What helped me was deciding which things were firm boundaries for me, which I could try and let go completely and where we would meet in the middle. It helped that I talked it over with DH and he gave me some insight into why MIL was like that about some things. Once I started holding firm on what really mattered to me, the resentment faded out and I appreciated her more. And once she started getting her way on some of things that really mattered to her, she was happier and more relaxed and it showed in our relationship.

So for example, before DD arrived, I established clearly with all family that no one was visiting until I was ready and they were leaving when I said so. Firm boundary for me, even though MIL did try the whole 'oh, we'll just stay out of your way while you feed rather than leaving'. Nope. But MIL was also a big fan of buying/making DD brightly coloured, often pink and frilly, clothes. Ugh, not my taste. But then she'd had 3 boys and finally a granddaughter. I sucked it up, dressed her in those outfits just often enough to get pictures etc. and look appreciative. It wasn't doing me much harm and made MIL happy.

So in your case it might be, for example, that leaving them alone together is a hard no. Be firm about it, just say we're not leaving DD until X age, until we're comfortable... whatever! (No need to say its different with your parents). But that you let the holding position go. Or you might set a firm boundary that MIL returns baby whenever she cries ("It's not anything you're doing MIL, it just makes me more comfortable to hold her when she's upset") but are willing to give her back as soon as she is settled. Whatever combination works for you whilst giving your MIL as much as you feel able of what she wants!

I don't know how to reply to individual posters sorry!
I definitely don't have a DH problem, he understands and agrees completely and we are both happy to challenge her. I try to keep it light and tinkly as suggested. For example I laughed at the tea issue and said I think I've got my hands full here and you know where the kitchen is. She then takes the huff and the rest of the visit is uncomfortable. When she tried to take her off me when I was feeding, I told her I would finish and then burp baby so she could have a cuddle, she made various comments about how she isn't a bad person etc and again it's uncomfortable.

I've said a few times in posts that I have no safety concerns, she would never deliberately hurt DD but I think it's more the boundary ignoring that makes me so uncomfortable. Example - dog has allergies and can't eat chicken, MIL knows this, we tell her every time but she likes to "spoil the dog" by bringing him lovely cooked chicken. Older child doesn't get to watch YouTube on phones but MIL says he can have her phone. We don't use her for babysitting, this is all just on visits.

DD is 7 weeks and this isnt my first baby, I have an older child but it's MILS first grandchild. I don't hover around when she's here, I use that opportunity to get a washing done or DH and I are making them dinner etc but when I hear DD crying knowing she needs fed then I want her back without a fight and without the rest of the visit being uncomfortable as she's taken the huff. I absolutely want them to have a relationship. I accept my feelings are unreasonable but I dont know how to get past it. I don't trust her at all, I think that takes time to build given the lack of respect in terms of completely ignoring boundaries in the past. I think I just need to suck it up and build up to leaving DD with her as she gets older.

Grateful for all your advice and comments!

@ZippyKoalathat is really helpful advice thank you

So it’s complete her here with the issue when she’s had a huff and made the rest of the visit uncomfortable. A very childish response from her. In all honesty you can only pity her. A grown up in control of their own emotional regulation would recognise the situation for what it is… a mother asking for their baby back when they are distressed or a mother burping their own baby and then handing over for a cuddle.

the thing about not being a bad person, god that’s just draining. No barbara you’re not a bad person I didn’t say that, I said I would finish burping the baby before your cuddle nothing about you being a bad person, let’s not stir things up.

you can reply by clicking QUOTE under each posters if you want to reply just to that person

Yeah it does sound like she's really overstepping and being very awkward. What on earth goes through people's minds who try to refuse to hand a baby back to their mother when asked?? 😵‍💫 She may well be a tricky character and/or partly learning how to be a GM as it's new to her. But that also means it's important to assert boundaries at this stage. I know it's tricky to do that tactfully but firmly. It sounds like you're really trying your best to do that. If she still takes offence, that's up to her. Also ignore any demands to look after her on her own if that's not necessary or helpful to you. This becomes an obsession for some people for some reason. Congratulations on your new baby and nearly getting through the first two months! 💪🏼