Another MIL one...

[Vampgirl21]

I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or not when it comes to my mother in law so would appreciate some opinions please? There's a bit of a backstory, she's been very rude and has insulted me on many occasions, has absolutely no respect for any boundaries at all and has been quite possessive over her son over the years comparing our relationship to her relationship with him. I've politely told her when I think she's overstepped, as has my DH, and tried to keep things as amicable as possible but I'll admit I'm not keen on her as a person and I'm fairly certain she feels the same way about me.

We've not long had our first child and I had a very difficult pregnancy and recovery but my DH is great and we've muddled through together. I inadvertently offended her when she offered help in the first week or so after we brought our wee girl home. We didn't really need any help and I just wanted to be at home with my DH and my older child getting bf established etc without anyone else there. She had visited a couple of times so wasnt like she hadn't seen baby. Now when she visits I'll admit I'm already on edge and uncomfortable but I feel.so uncomfortable with her holding DD and can't bring myself to let her watch her without us as she doesn't listen when we try and let her know how she likes to be held, when she's unhappy, hungry etc. She has tried to take the baby out my arms when I've barely finished feeding and when she fusses MIL will just keep trying and failing to settle her instead of handing her back to me or DH. She just keeps saying it's not her first rodeo. For context there are no other grandchildren, no small children in her wider family and her own children are in their 40's so it's been some time since she's been on that horse! Ultimately I dont think she is a bad person and I want to be able to have MIL spend time with her grandchild without feeling so uncomfortable about it. Have no issues leaving DD with my own Mum or Dad which means DH is feeling a bit like his family aren't treated the same way. Any suggestions as to how I get by this?

Honestly. This is hormones speaking. She is fine. She genuinely will not come to any harm by being held by her grandparent who obviously loves her very much. She sounds absolutely normal and what a proud grandparent what do. Take advantage of this. Ask her after feeding her would she mind her while you have a bath or whatever else you want to do. You will then feel a bit more in control of the situation psychologically. It's a normal thing to protect your new born but you have to understand that she is fine!

She sounds touchy and very quick to take offence. If she deliberately feeds your dog food that he is allergic to, she is either so stupid that she doesn't understand what allergies are or she is deliberately feeding him chicken to upset you and make your dog ill. Neither option makes her a good person to have around.

She also sounds very defensive about her mothering skills probably because your DH was brought up by his grandparents.

You and her son having a baby isn't an opportunity for her to have a do-over at mothering a baby that she didn't manage to do first time round.

Presume your dh has no arms op?
He should have hosted and made tea for his dm. You had just given birth.
Why was she mad at you?
I'm not surprised handing over your precious dd to such a woman is causing you issues... Be aware she has no day dreams about using dd as a second chance of motherhood seeing as she didn't raise dh...

I have to disagree with some pp. She doesn’t get to grab the baby as soon as you’ve fed her, she’s not a toy. She doesn’t get to feed the dog chicken. Why has your Dh not had serious words about that (or has he and been ignored/told a little won’t hurt and he won’t insist because he doesn’t want to upset her)? What if your child has an allergy? Will mil try to feed the allergen because you’re being ‘precious’?

Thanks everyone for some really useful points/views. I think I've a better idea now of what makes me so uncomfortable. Im happy to leave DD for short periods with my parents, DHs siblings and mine so I don't think this is entirely down to hormones. I think fundamentally I don't feel "safe" around her which means that I don't feel she is then safe to have DD. Rationally of course I know that's not the case. I'm definitely not myself around her, I can't relax and feel constantly on eggshells. A lot of her behaviour is down to insecurity and lack of social awareness so I try to ignore the huffiness for example and remain as neutral as possible which I think she interprets as cold ( and on reflection perhaps a bit like I don't care, which isn't the case.)

I absolutely don't have a DH problem, he is one of the good ones. He has spoken to her many many times. He is also frustrated by her behaviour and unsure how to resolve things.

I think we need to continue to enforce the boundaries that we feel are most important and probably call her out on the huffy behaviour rather than just ignoring it. I think if I actually said to her that she is making things uncomfortable rather than being breezy and redirecting then it might make her stop and think. I also need to feel less guilty that the relationship is different with my own Mum. My DH understands why this is the case but is understandably disappointed by this. I would just like to feel less uncomfortable when she visits!

@Vampgirl21 it may not be her first rodeo giving birth but as your dh was brought up by his grandparents, it is most likely that she has had no experience of bring up children! you need to reinforce your boundaries. please also remember that it is absolutely natural for a girl to gravitate towards her own parents rather than in laws. she should NOT be trying to take the baby out of your arms ever. she should be waiting for you to offer the baby instead of being pushy. has your dh said anything about disparity between grandparents or is he ok with your feelings, which are paramount?

I think personally you aren’t being firm enough and don’t have enough boundaries! If she comes over and behaves like this and you’ve asked her to stop and then she gets huffy and there’s an atmosphere then tell her firmly that if she’s going to behave like a stroppy child then she can leave and when she has has a think about why you asked her to leave and she can behave like an adult and understand what you are asking and why and stop with the ridiculous behavior then she can come back when invited another day!

What happens if the baby has allergies? Are you going to let her cause harm to your child just because you can’t put up enough boundaries and your husband can’t see that clearly she hasn’t changed she’s still
someone who frankly I wouldn’t let anywhere near my dog let alone my children!!! Your instincts are there for a reason and we shoudk
listen to them more instead of being told to “be nice” or “be kind” etc

Your instincts are screaming at you because she is NOT FUCKING SAFE at all. Not for you, your baby nor your partner, her son. She's in her own world and you don't need to go along with wannabe mum/ grandma tantrums. Fuck that, let her get a toy dog to feed dangerous food to. She might have given birth, but so what? Your life, your kid, your rules. End of.

Your MIL doesn’t need to ‘bond’ with your baby right now - the time will come for that - YOU do. You’re the new mother, not her and this is your time. Plus your house, you rules. I cannot understand this idea that grandparents must all take equal turns holding and caring for a very young baby so no-one feels badly treated! It’s so upside down it’s weird.
Assert yourself. Don’t let her whisk your child from your arms where he/she is warm and comfortable after a feed. Turn your body slightly if necessary and say “He/she’s going to sleep here/I’m going to put him/her in his/her cot’ etc. Your MIL had her baby time and now it’s yours. If you don’t draw your boundaries now things will only get harder as your baby gets older.

Will you rely on her for childcare at any point? If you trust her then…. But you don’t trust her even with the dog. Giving the dog chicken when dog has allergies would wind me up, if she wants to spoil him switch to something else or I would give her a treat she could give to my dog.

She complained I didn't offer her a cup of tea when she visited the first week we got home after DD was born. I was feeding DD and recovering from a section so I feel she could have organised that for herself!

Who did she complain to?! I'd have exploded a bit at this point, I think!

Sounds to me like you’ve got this! Good on you and DH. Stand firm (OMG the chicken thing with the dog would have really pushed me over the edge) but be as pleasant as you can. Does sound from your further post that this is all a her issue 🫣

No you DON'T have to trust her. Anyone who tries to take a baby away from their mum as they finish bf is way out of line.

What you can do though is hand baby to her and remain in the room, observing how she looks after her. Hopefully that will build up your confidence in your MIL gradually and trust will come.

Take your baby back if obviously distressed, but try to leave them together for longer and longer periods, starting with a few minutes and working upwards. It takes time for you to feel comfortable and that is as it should be.

I imagine your MIL feels overwhelming love for her GC and so wants to be an active part of their lives.

But she is also possibly very nervous since it is a long time since she cared for a small baby, ideas around babies and best practice will have totally changed several times over. She possibly also feels edged out and maybe a little jealous of your parents. Her bullish overly confident ways and behaviour whilst winding you up might be just her way of trying to cope and reassure you.

Maybe try baby steps and try and be generous in your thoughts and put yourself in her shoes 20 30 or 40 odd years down the line if you have a son and think about how a daughter in law may view you and your relationship with any GC.

Don’t get me wrong I had similar relationship to you with my elderly MIL and felt annoyed at MIL and FIL always wanting to visit and just winding me up on almost every occasion especially with my PFB. Basically we had kids late in life so they were well into 60’s.

But a large part of the speech at FIL’s funeral was about how much he absolutely adored his GC and spending time with them etc. I felt awful.

Now my PFB has a girlfriend who is lovely and I get on very well with as I would never want to annoy or upset her as I know how much power DIL’s hold.

OP's DH was brought up by his grandparents, so it doesn't really sound as though OP's MIL felt overwhelming love for her own child. She's lucky that her son and OP have a relationship with her so her 'bullish overly confident ways and behaviour' around OP's baby are entirely misplaced.

You've misunderstood me. I'm saying that she doesn't need to like MIL to move forward from the position of discomfort, that she needed trust instead. That's easier to fix.

The examples given in the OP are annoying certainly, but they don't shout neglectful.