Have i misinterpreted him?

[jacki9]

How would you take this comment? I’m on holiday with my ex and our DC. We have been separated almost 4 months. Here and there during the holiday he’s tried to kiss or hold me and i’ve been very upfront and told him no as nice as i can and he’s seemed ok with it, we even have separate rooms so he knows (well i hoped) that it’s not a ‘fix us’ holiday. But then yesterday, he got so drunk which i found an issue in its self since we are abroad and we have 3 DC here with us. Here’s the part where i need opinions please. Our rooms are connecting and i was lying on the bed on my front when he came into mu room and put his hands between my legs. This startled me and i jumped up and said ‘please don’t do that, we are not together and i don’t like it, that’s is crossing a line’. He stormed back to his room calling me a joke, then after a few moments called me over to him on his balcony, i approached him but he was so drunk he was wobbly and it made me nervous for him so i said to him ‘be careful on here (balcony) you’re a bit wobbly and your making me nervous you’ll fall. His response, you’re the one who has to be careful not me. All the while i’m the sober one. I took this as a threat of ‘he’ll push me off the balcony’ especially the tone in which it was said. Do you think i misinterpreted his words?

No you didn’t misinterpret. That was a threat.

How much longer are you there? Ask to change rooms.

@MamaNellThat’s how i took it (as a threat). I just know when he wakes up he’ll gaslight me like he always does and say i misunderstood him, but i couldn’t see any other way he would mean that comment. Today is our last day, we fly home later this evening.

That was awful. You’re separated so don’t even give him the chance to gaslight you. Make a note of it as a record but don’t bother trying to discuss it. You know what he did and said and that’s good enough reason to limit all communication with him to email solely about co parenting. Don’t allow him in your home again and refuse to do any joint activities with your children. That is what separated means for a lot of people and you don’t have to justify to him why you want to be one of those people. If he says he doesn’t understand why, acts as if he doesn’t remember, ignore him. He almost certainly does remember but even if he doesn’t, you do.

The balcony comment could be seen as a threat, or a clumsy joke.

However, he repeatedly tried to touch you even though you clearly didn’t give consent. That to me is a major red flag.

Do you think it could have been his (very bad) attempt at ‘kinky’ talk while drunk?

@Pinkgiraffe34567No. He was really angry with me at the time of saying it for rejecting his advances. Angry to the point of saying to me afterwards ‘you will never be with anyone else, remember that because I won’t allow it’.

Why would you go on holiday after just 4 months of breaking up?

@EternalLodgait was booked from last year

I still would have cancelled and lost the money. Really bad idea

I’m sorry but that does sound exactly like a threat and I don’t think you’re safe with him at all. The repeated trying to touch you despite your clear boundaries is also very frightening. When you get home perhaps you could take professional advice from a charity that support women in abusive relationships? After all, you will have a co-parenting relationship to manage even though you are no longer together as a couple. They could advise you on how to do this safely, I hope. Please remain vigilant and keep yourself safe x

I think when you get home you need to talk to women’s aid because from this comment he is clearly abusive. I know you’ve split but it sounds like he isn’t on board with moving on in a healthy way so you could ask them for some advice. What’s the living situation at home?

I agree - even though it was nice for the kids.

Can you ask hotel management to lock the interconnecting door? Is your balcony shared with the other room? I can't believe other posters saying you should have cancelled. Obviously, kids would have been excited you've actively shielded them from the fall out of your separation so kudos to you! As for the Poster that mentioned 'Kinky Talk', I practically vommed for Womenkind. However, please be aware of your safety and his concept of 'entitlement' i.e he thinks you're his property and could expand to kids as emotional (or other) blackmail. Don't forget you've been sexually assaulted - you've voiced 'NO!' numerous times and he persists.

I would be ending the holiday and making arrangements to go home today. He sounds abusive, he isn’t respecting your boundaries at all and you are not safe.

I’d have cautioned against this holiday even with a nice man as it confuses things, but he sounds very much not a nice man.

I don’t think you’ve misinterpreted, he sounds like he’s working up to being dangerous. He also sexually assaulted you when he put his hand between your legs. A woman is most at risk when she is leaving or has just left an abusive relationship. Why have you split up? He sounds abusive.

It very much depends on the tone I’d say.

This is really creepy and threatening. As others have said, I think you need to stay away from him and seek some help from Women’s Aid.

Are you still living together Op because if you are that needs to change asap. He thinks he owns you and you could be in danger from him

I would definitely log this, the most dangerous time is the end of a relationship. Consider getting your phone checked for spyware, too.

He clearly thought there was chance of reconciliation during the holiday.

You've now made it perfectly clear. I'd ask him to leave early or find a different room. (Assuming you need both rooms to fit all 5 of you in).

If you can squeeze into 1 and keep the interconnecting door locked, do that.

But the whole thing must be terribly confusing for the kids.

Are you living together at home?

It does not sound safe.

We go home today. We don’t live together anymore. We split because he didn’t contribute towards parenting or household chores. I did everything and worked long hours and i was so burnt out i left. I was doing it on my own anyway so thought i might as well actually do it on my own. He is an awful person and this holiday has made me see that i definitely made the right choice in leaving.

It wasn’t just a threat, it was a sexual assault and then a threat.

Personally I would be getting my room changed and then declining to spend any further time in his company (and I also wouldn’t want him to have DC because he’s clearly not safe at the moment).

However I understand if you feel overall it’s safer to “play nice” until you’re home. I wouldn’t be going anywhere except very public places with him though. Stay safe OP.

Consider whether to report to the police as well. Personally I would report it to the police but I appreciate different thoughts on the matter.

Even if you decide not to keep a written record of exactly what happened, what was said and dates as if he continues to escalate once you’re home you’ll have it to hand if you decide to report.