To feel behind in life?

[ConsultMe]

I’m late 20s & feel very very behind in life.

I grew up in the Midlands then moved to London for university a decade ago (statistics degree). I rent in London alone. That’s one of the reasons I feel behind in life. Seems like all of my non-London peers are busy with house renovations with partners. I’m definitely not in a position to buy…

I have been on a decent salary the majority of my 20s - my first job was on £30k then I got promoted at 26 to £45k. I feel like I have nothing to show for it, that’s mainly gone to cost of living. I want kids for example but just feel like I couldn’t afford them!

Additionally, last year was difficult. My manager sexually harassed me at work, I was managed out. I basically had to leave my last employer and seek work with a new employer and start my career from scratch, lost all my old network etc. As a result, I kind of feel like my life is on hold. I haven’t been dating etc, just in a place of trying to build my confidence back up. I work in data science. I am single.

Aibu? I guess I’m also posting for advice, as feel quite low. London living is the only thing I like about my life, so it’s hard to consider leaving.

You aren’t behind, you’re just at a different stage of life right now, working on getting yourself to a place where you’ll be able to approach a future relationship healthily and hopefully make it last. You’re still young and it isn’t a race: some people will always be the “first” to get married, buy a house, have children, it’s just how it is.

Do you have many friends in London? It’s not the general norm for career-focused Londoners in their twenties to be home owners with children - so you’d certainly not be the lone wanderer among London peers.

Choose your hard op

is it hard not being on the property ladder
or
is it hard not living in London

To be honest I think if I got on the property ladder, I might realistically need to buy outside of London. But then I wouldn’t feel comfortable moving out of London alone as my entire circle is in London. I don’t really know many people outside of London, if were to live on the outskirts for example. I don’t want to live in the midlands again either.

I'd say you're absolutely normal for London. I find outside of London people settle down younger.

Thank you for this.

You are right, it’s normal in London to rent for longer etc. However I would say that more people I know are leaving London to settle down I suppose.

Personally I don’t feel ready for kids yet so I’m not fussed about that, but I am growing weary of renting/being stuck in the same place.

It's normal OP, I'm in my 20s and I just want my first Home in London but then I equally have friends that have bought the homes in London and have babies or I have friends that rent and are in a relationship. I really learnt to tune out societal expectations over recent years.

The way I look at it is that you have different eras in your life. Some eras are like career building. Some eras are settling down and every era is valid!

London is expensive

I think this is just about opportunity costs. You either stay in London and accept that you don’t settle down any time soon or buy a house in the near future (if ever) or you decide to move and prioritise those things. Both choices come with wins and losses.

Ah I definitely feel some of my friends back home see me as a mini-adult in comparison to them!

I do feel like my mindset is a bit different to theirs - I just feel like there’s a few things I want to establish more, like progressing in my career. I’m also currently studying my masters part time, due to finish next year (whilst working full time). So I guess they probably see me as stuck in a student lifestyle.

I think if I were to move, I would wait until I was in a serious relationship so it’s hard to consider moving now. I regularly travel up and down the country for work, and visited pretty much everywhere yet haven’t found somewhere else that I’d like to live. I think I’d love to stay in commuting distance, at the very least.

OP, I think you need to stop and congratulate yourself. You went through an awful experience and you're still standing. That is a huge achievement.

Life rarely follows an ideal timeline - even your friends who are marrying and having kids will have curveball thrown at them later down the line. Or their curveball might have already hit. Life does that to everyone. Just try to appreciate your path, and think hard about what YOU want, not what you think people your age are supposed to want.

Wishing you all the best!

It's worth speaking to a broker and seeing what you could afford to buy in London/commuting areas.

I was fed up for renting and I didn't think I would be able to buy in London until a friend said just speak to a mortgage broker. 2 years later I'm sat in my own place and I earn less than £60k.

But don't compare yourself to friends it won't get you anywhere

Op I just wanted to say that you seem to
be looking back at the last decade as though it was all a wasted experience and it really wasn’t!

You may not be materially where you want to be yet, but that is the case for many young Londoners, and it’s awful that you had to start again career-wise, but all this time you have managed to be in paid employment and steady work, and you have contributed taxes and supported your local economy and presumably learned a lot in your area of work. That’s not nothing!

Also, you now have ten years of work in your field and ten years of pension contributions under your belt, when many professionals do not stop studying until their late twenties! Hold your head up and be proud of yourself!

I’m so sorry that you faced sexual
harrassment at work which is truly appalling in this day and age and far more common than is generally recognised. I hope that you were able to receive proper help and support over this? Did you seek legal redress? Any chance of receiving a financial settlement retrospectively that you could use for a deposit on a house?

A few young London-based members of my family have faced similar issues to you and one solution is to move to a European city where it is still possible to buy comparatively cheaply, and enjoy a good quality of life, but also enjoy good travel connections back to UK. This is obviously harder now post-Brexit but not impossible.

Or you could move to Glasgow or Edinburgh or a major northern city in the UK such as Newcastle or Liverpool. Train travel is so expensive in the UK though!

Fair enough about the Midlands and it’s rarely a good idea to go back anyway.

You say you wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving London. But is comfort truly your main priority at 29? Presumably you don’t feel very comfortable currently because you are posting this thread looking for ideas? Feeling uncomfortable can lead to great things.

And will your friendship circle not be dissipating and moving out of London soon anyway? I think it’s risky to base your decisions about moving and location on where your friends are currently based, when many of them will soon be absorbed in parenthood and you won’t see them nearly as often! You think you will but in reality you probably won’t.

I think if the prospect of buying in London in the next decade is unrealistic, and you enjoy a big city vibe, then your best bet is to do your research, line up some potential new job openings in the next couple of years, and be brave and strike out and live in another city or abroad. You’ve had to do it once so you will be even better at it next time! Good luck 💐

OP, I don't know if this is helpful at all, but here goes.

I was born and raised in London and absolutely loved it. Apart from uni and a brief stint abroad after graduating it's the only place I've ever lived.

About a year ago, my partner and I were ready to buy our first house together. He suggested looking outside London. At first I was absolutely against the idea and felt that it was London or nothing, and that I would be utterly miserable anywhere else. In the end though we went to view some properties and, to cut a long story short, bought a house in a small town in North Essex. I'm sure it goes without saying that we were able to afford something much bigger and nicer than we could have bought in London.

I absolutely love it. I commute into London twice a week for work but other than that my whole life is out in this small town and it has been so so much better than I ever could have predicted. I know everyone in my local pub. There is an annual beer fest, a sailing club regatta, a local District Fair, an outdoor swimming club, and all sorts of other stuff I never would have done in London. Being able to walk in the countryside has done wonders for my mental health, and although I don't have kids yet, I feel really happy knowing that when I do, they will be able to walk to school in five minutes (rather than taking a bus and a train like I used to do) and will get to know their neighbours and have local friends.

Apologies if this all sounds like boasting - the point I'm trying to make is that it just seems to get harder and harder to make a really good life in London unless you are on a huge salary. I felt that leaving the city would be admitting defeat in some way, but now I've done it I really can say it's one of the best decisions I ever made. I'm not saying you should definitely move away, but maybe think about it a bit. I guess if you're a data scientist there are quite a few remote or semi-remote roles? Maybe have a scout around and see what you can find, and have a think about whether a change of scene might help you :)

thanks everyone, you have all been really kind.

after sleeping on it, I’m not ready to leave London really. I feel like I have so much more to see/do/achieve etc and in many ways don’t really feel like I have done everything I have wanted to in London just yet.

I do feel I can earn more money considering I haven’t completed my masters yet.

I was surprised about the mortgage broker suggestion - I did get a quick quote and it probably would be enough to get a flat somewhere like Croydon… although not the ideal area, it still surprised me that it was possible.

Anyway I think I probably need to also be more social and meet new people, I don’t really feel ready to date just yet but I appreciate things would be infinitely easier on two incomes in the future.

Definitely speak to a mortgage broker as online calculator we're not accurate for me

Mel Robins has a brilliant podcast about this. I highly recommend a listen. It’s called Feeling behind in life?

https://www.melrobbins.com/episode/episode-280/

Absolutely agree with this.

I had a good job, house, married mid 20s, two kids born in my early 30s.

Then DV, kids diagnosed autistic and had to entirely change my career plans.

I am worse off financially than I was in my early 20s. But at early 40s I'm also far happier than any other time previously.

Timelines and plans will change. Work towards what makes you happy.

Your rewards will come but you’re still on your pathway and right now it’s a toughie. Once you’ve completed your studies, you’ll have more time but also more job opportunities! I’ve been on that one. It’s worth every bit of effort . As other posters have said, we all move along at different pace. We also have periods of seemingly stagnation, but you’re not stagnating - you are helping to define your professional future. That in turns defines - in part - your personal future. It will be worth it, so hang on in there. You’ll be able to move on when it’s your time. I did my masters while working full time in London - and had successful ivf! Has all paid off though it’s shaped my career and me personally, all to the good.

If you want DCs you need to get serious about how little time you have. Everything else in like you can do in your 40s+. You get one shot at fertility. Once it’s gone it’s gone. Most women don’t have all the DCs they imagine they’ll have because they run out of time.

Get a fertility check. Freeze your eggs.

London will still be there in 20 years.

You and your friends back home are not living the same life.
I could have potentially been your 'friend' as I found my now husband at 20, move in together at 21, first child aged 23, bought home at 26, second child also 26, married at 30......life inbetween and still together now I'm 42!!
Would you have liked my life?
If you think yes, do something about it and exit the rat race.
If you think no, keep working towards your goals!

I don’t think I have little time left tbh! I’m in my 20s not 40s! I’d much rather raise kids who have a comfortable lifestyle, when the time is right.

Honestly no, I wouldn’t have wanted that life in the kindest way possible! I was early 20s student during the pandemic, couldn’t imagine having kids then! My friends in the midlands were not having kids at that age either. Life would have been totally different if we all had kids, I’d have missed out on so many core memories.

Anyway fast forward to now, and I think for my life now - I’d love to own my home & maybe be in a relationship. But I also feel there’s no point rushing into a relationship. I’d totally rather wait until I feel more comfortable dating etc given the things that happened at my old job I don’t always feel comfortable around people now.

You presumably have London friends of similar age. It’s highly unlikely that they own their own homes in their 20’s, so why are you comparing yourself to people in the Midlands, as opposed to them?

I’m very sorry that you were sexually harassed, that’s horrible. However, why would moving jobs have necessitated ‘restarting your career’? People move jobs all the time, and it’s generally to progress their careers. If your move didn’t do that, reassess and look for another position.

Your life sounds pretty normal for a late twenty something in London, and London living is awesome at that age. I’m not seeing the problem.

Ah thank you for this! Wow you sound incredible!

In terms of work, since I started this thread, I started a new role on a much higher salary than before. I have also started contracting on the side (don’t feel comfortable being a full time contractor just yet), but it’s nice already having more opportunities my way. My masters is in AI/machine learning and it seems even just studying it, is opening more doors.

Ah thanks!

Well the problem with my previous job where I was sexually harassed is that it was pretty much the only job I had after graduating and I was there for several years. I lost my entire network of contacts, had to deal with reputational damage etc and I couldn’t trust my ex employer would provide a decent reference.

So although I worked my way up in that company, I didn’t really have a valid way to prove that to other employers in terms of references or people who would vouch for me.

My current job isn’t the same as before, I was managerial before but I am an IC now. Luckily higher paid as my field is in demand, but getting that job was more to do with my masters and my university tutors as opposed to my career history.