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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family being distant, am I overthinking this?

41 replies

pussinboots61 · 29/07/2025 18:41

This is a long story but I'll try and keep it brief. I have one brother, eight years older than me. He is married with four sons. We were very close as kids and when he got married his wife (my sister in law) was funny with me and my parents for no reason and as a result my brother started to become distant. We still saw them but there was always that distance if you see what I mean.

There are numerous incidents I could mention but it would take too long. My Dad died in 1995, there were still issues then. When my Mum died in 2007 I thouight I wouldn't see them once the funeral was over but to my relief they got in touch and changed considerably. My Mum had asked them to look after me when anything happened to her and they kept that promise. They knew how close I was to my Mum and Dad and they didn't leave me alone like I thought they would. I let past issues go as after all blood is thicker than water and our parents wouldn't want us to fall out.

My brother isn't one to make contact on his own, he's a quiet reserved type. I meet them both together but also meet my sister in law for coffees and we chat on the phone. There are also family parties, plus I spend Christmas with them and once a year we go and visit our cousin in Worcestershire and stay overnight. I have even been on cruises with them in the past.

However, recently things seems to be different. I find that I am the one always ringing my sister in law and askiing her to meet up. It seems to not be reciprocated like it used to be. We also have a mutual friend, who was my friend initally, but they got to know each other also. My sister in law seems to know a lot about her life as if she makes contact with her and sometimes tell me she has rang her but she doesn't ring me these days.

I have recently asked her if she wants to meet me on Saturday the other week and she said she couldn't make it. I texted her the other day to ask if she can make a Sunday instead. She said that was fine and to give her some dates, when I did she told me she's not feeling well and will let me know when she's feeling better.

I don't feel I can use any form of confrontation after whats happened in the past as I don't want to risk there being any rift between us again.

If this was a friend I could let it ride and wait for them to contact me as I have other friends and can make new ones but I only have one family and can't find another. I have anxiety anyway and this is really bugging me.

OP posts:

Wineisalwaysagoodidea · 30/07/2025 06:48

I can understand why you feel reluctant to rock the boat, however, could you gently just try reaching out to her and saying "I am just checking in to see if you're ok. Feel like we haven't been able to connect as much of late, and conscious that life is busy, but hope all ok and here if you need anything?"
You're not being confrontational but giving her the chance to say if anything is wrong whilst also seeing how she is doing?

SparklyGlitterballs · 30/07/2025 07:08

How old are you OP? I can understand your DB and SIL taking you "under their wing" so to speak if you were quite young when your DM died, but that was 18 years ago now. Have you not married or got a partner and/or DC yourself? Perhaps they thought the "looking after" would be for a few years until you were a little older and forged an independent life for yourself, not forevermore. Some families want to do things as their own nuclear family unit and don't want to have an additional person for Christmas all the time, even if it's family.

From what you've written I'm guessing that SIL didn't particularly want a close bond with your family initially, but agreed to step up in the first years following the loss of your mum. I think you need to accept that SIL doesn't necessarily see you as a close friend, however hurtful that seems, and has decided it's time to step back now. Sadly not all siblings remain close after parents pass away. I only see my DB and SIL when they visit my mum nearby a few times a year. I wonder whether I'll see them at all once DM passes.

SiobahnRoy · 30/07/2025 08:51

You needn’t be confrontational, there’s nothing to confront, your SIL isn’t your brother. I do think you do need to understand that people need their own space and that you should be able to exist separately from your brother and SIL. It’s not unreasonable of them to expect this.

mindutopia · 30/07/2025 09:01

Firstly, I consider myself close to my BIL and SIL and you have more contact with yours and do more things with them. I think you’ve just had a much closer relationship than the average person that now that it’s changed a bit, it feels weird, but it sounds like a perfectly normal sibling/in-law relationship to me.

But if there is any cooling off of the relationship, I think it has to do with something going on with them and you’re overthinking it. Maybe one of them is having some health issues. Maybe work is really stressful. Maybe a child is struggling at school or with their mental health. Maybe they are just completely overwhelmed and having a hard time and can’t take on anymore. Maybe your brother cheated and SIL can’t face anyone right now. Sometimes people get overwhelmed and they need space. Leave the offer hanging and if they want to meet for coffee, they’ll be in touch.

NerrSnerr · 30/07/2025 10:39

What is the dynamic here? Why did your mum make them promise to look after you because looking at how long ago your parents died you can’t be that young? So you need some form of looking after?

Are you meeting up as equal adults or is there some kind of caring dynamics?

Original poster

pussinboots61 · 30/07/2025 20:46

Thank you for your replies. My brother and sister in law aren't my carers. I am 63, I live alone and work full time, I am divorced twice and I don't want to get married again. They promised my Mum that they would look out for me. I don't see how that's unsual or for us to meet up regularly as a family. My Dad's sister (my Auntie) was a war widow and she came to our house twice weekly and came on holidays with us. She did meet another man who was just a close friend and they didn't live together and he came on holidays with us also. Siblings can be close. I do know that some aren't though.

I might be overthinking it about the recent lack of contact, maybe they have something on their minds, are busy etc, though it doesn't take long to send a quick text. But I don't think I'm unreasonable to want a relationship with them.

OP posts:

Yolo12345 · 30/07/2025 22:20

Honestly, I do think you should focus on your own circle - friends, choir, sport clubs, hobbies….rather than relying on family for holidays, weekend meet ups etc… your bother and had wife have 4 kids?! That’s a lot of work and their prority…

Original poster

pussinboots61 · 30/07/2025 22:28

Yolo12345 · 30/07/2025 22:20

Four kids who are now adults, the eldest is 50, the youngest is 40. They have grandchildren too. I do have friends and hobbiea but I like to keep in touch with family, I can't see the harm in that.

OP posts:

Quitelikeit · 30/07/2025 22:34

I don’t think there any harm at all. I don’t think you have done anything. I think that there could be something more going on

You seem like a great sister

hmmimnotsurewhy · 30/07/2025 23:11

So they are likely in their 70s and she’s told you that she hasn’t been well, give them a break.
I thought you were quite young but it seems like their life is very full and busy and they have been very good to you.

CaptainFuture · 30/07/2025 23:16

You're in your 60s them in 70s?...why do you need to be 'looked after' were you the golden child who was pandered to?

Itstwelveoclocksomewhere · 30/07/2025 23:18

For whatever reason, they want to keep you at a distance OP. It could be them or it could be you. They don't enjoy meeting you as much as you enjoy meeting them.
I think you have to respect this decision.

Original poster

pussinboots61 · 31/07/2025 00:03

Quitelikeit · 30/07/2025 22:34

I don’t think there any harm at all. I don’t think you have done anything. I think that there could be something more going on

You seem like a great sister

Thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

pussinboots61 · 31/07/2025 00:06

CaptainFuture · 30/07/2025 23:16

You're in your 60s them in 70s?...why do you need to be 'looked after' were you the golden child who was pandered to?

Edited

This comment is so unnecessary. No I don't need to be looked after. I am capable of looking after myself. They are my family and in my book family look out for each other.

I don't want to be in their pockets 24/7, I just a want a nice sibling relationship with them.

OP posts:

Turneresque · 31/07/2025 00:11

CaptainFuture · 30/07/2025 23:16

You're in your 60s them in 70s?...why do you need to be 'looked after' were you the golden child who was pandered to?

Edited

She’d like to stay friendly with her family for goodness sake.
What an unnecessary and nasty post.
People like you are why some posters don’t bother anymore.

BruFord · 31/07/2025 02:09

With four adult sons and grandchildren, could they be particularly busy during the summer holidays? I’d give it a few weeks and touch base with your SIL again.

Katflapkit · 31/07/2025 02:21

Your SIL said she has been feeling unwell and would arrange something when she feels better. You seem to have dismissed that very quickly without even questioning if it was serious illness or something to do with the family.

Perhaps you could ask your brother if SIL is okay and if there is anything SIL needs or YOU can do. The onus sounds very much on what you need, not taking into account they have 4 children and grandchildren.

ohnotthisagain2025 · 31/07/2025 02:26

Katflapkit · 31/07/2025 02:21

Edited

Yep, this.

autienotnaughty · 31/07/2025 05:04

Given you have had a close relationship for 18 years I’d say it’s reasonable to ring and ask if everything is ok. You sil may be busy, she might be poor health, they might have some issues they are dealing with.
it seems unlikely to be about you as you have maintained a close relationship for many years unless you have done something to offend her?

Tourmalines · 31/07/2025 05:34

No you are not being unreasonable. You had a connection and it seems as though it’s fading . Consistency is key sometimes. Try not to think of it as you have done something wrong, but maybe she’s going through some personal issues. Maybe ask her is everything ok .

Francestein · 31/07/2025 06:13

My SIL was like this with me initially @pussinboots61. I found it incredibly intrusive and weird because I come from a family with a lot less involvement from wider family members. I had a chat with her about differing family cultures and expectations and how I am used to pottering around my own life and not imposing myself on others - and that my social circle was mostly limited to friends. I explained that I genuinely like and care for her but wasn’t comfortable adopting her family culture and fitting her expectations just to make her feel comfortable. It didn’t mean I was rejecting her or her family, I literally just don’t have the time or social space to allow for that. It took her a while but she accepted it. Now many years down the track, we send each other memes all the time and CAN talk about just about anything. We have offered each other different forms of practical support over the years and both appreciate the differences we bring to the family dynamic.

Octavia64 · 31/07/2025 06:17

Not feeling well can cover a whole range of issues from I have a cold to I’ve just been told I have two months to live.

i wouldn’t confront in this situation.

text and offer support if anything is going on.

Seabreeze18 · 31/07/2025 06:27

Sometimes people just need space! I highly recommend you read the let them theory book by Mel robins and just back off for a bit.

Anabla · 31/07/2025 08:59

You don't say if you have children OP but if not I think this is the sad reality that you value this family relationship with your brother and SIL than they do with you. It seems that to me you see your brother and this family relationship as a priority for you where, whereas for your brother and SIL, their main family and priority is their childen and grandchildren.

However since you've been close, hopefully you can talk to them and let them know how you feel.

Floatingdownriver · 31/07/2025 09:04

OP, I think you need to give a bit more and not expect to receive from this relationship dynamic. Do you babysit your neiced and nephews kids? Support the rest of your family with time and care or expect special status as you’re a female and your brother is male? Think about the balance of give and take and check if it’s fair. Your mothers request had long been filled

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