Family being distant, am I overthinking this?

[pussinboots61]

This is a long story but I'll try and keep it brief. I have one brother, eight years older than me. He is married with four sons. We were very close as kids and when he got married his wife (my sister in law) was funny with me and my parents for no reason and as a result my brother started to become distant. We still saw them but there was always that distance if you see what I mean.

There are numerous incidents I could mention but it would take too long. My Dad died in 1995, there were still issues then. When my Mum died in 2007 I thouight I wouldn't see them once the funeral was over but to my relief they got in touch and changed considerably. My Mum had asked them to look after me when anything happened to her and they kept that promise. They knew how close I was to my Mum and Dad and they didn't leave me alone like I thought they would. I let past issues go as after all blood is thicker than water and our parents wouldn't want us to fall out.

My brother isn't one to make contact on his own, he's a quiet reserved type. I meet them both together but also meet my sister in law for coffees and we chat on the phone. There are also family parties, plus I spend Christmas with them and once a year we go and visit our cousin in Worcestershire and stay overnight. I have even been on cruises with them in the past.

However, recently things seems to be different. I find that I am the one always ringing my sister in law and askiing her to meet up. It seems to not be reciprocated like it used to be. We also have a mutual friend, who was my friend initally, but they got to know each other also. My sister in law seems to know a lot about her life as if she makes contact with her and sometimes tell me she has rang her but she doesn't ring me these days.

I have recently asked her if she wants to meet me on Saturday the other week and she said she couldn't make it. I texted her the other day to ask if she can make a Sunday instead. She said that was fine and to give her some dates, when I did she told me she's not feeling well and will let me know when she's feeling better.

I don't feel I can use any form of confrontation after whats happened in the past as I don't want to risk there being any rift between us again.

If this was a friend I could let it ride and wait for them to contact me as I have other friends and can make new ones but I only have one family and can't find another. I have anxiety anyway and this is really bugging me.

Maybe she genuinely is ill. I think I’d be inclined to reach out, possibly to your brother, gently expressing concern and asking if there’s anything you can do to help.

OP, I think that - like many people - you have fallen for the idea that "family" should be the most important people in our lives. Sometimes that's true, but often it isn't. They are just people, after all - being related doesn't really make any difference.
You have a good relationship with your family, by the sound of it, but seeing them every week or two is perhaps a bit much. They are busy people - so are you. So enjoy the time when you meet them, but enjoy the rest of your life too - then you have the best of everything.

Sorry but I don't agree that family are just 'people'. Are you saying that people shouldn't expect to have a relationship with their parents and children? Siblings are no different, they are still family.

Thank you. It is indeed a nasty post. People come on here to ask for advice, not nastiness and criticism. It does indeed put people off posting.

I think it would be a good idea to text your SIL and say that you hope she feels better soon and that you’ll catch up when she does.

Re. Your comment about family:
Are you saying that people shouldn't expect to have a relationship with their parents and children? Siblings are no different, they are still family.

Yes, siblings are family but the parent-child relationship is usually the strongest so it’s best to accept that. Most parents will put their children before anyone else.

I agree. I think when your younger, siblings can be one of the most important relationships but as families grow and people get older, others take priority or more of people's time.

I think the reality is for you OP, your brother is your only family so you place much more importance and value on this and spending time together than they do with you. I think it's quite telling in your previous statements about them being told to look after you. For your brother, if him and his wife have four children, their partners and grandchildren are obviously going to be their priority and take up their time.

Of course you should have a relationship with your brother but I can see how the dynamics are different.

I have siblings who I adore however my own family come before them now. Before I had kids, they were my best friends, we did a lot together.
If my dc have their own dc, my grandchildren, I'd imagine my siblings will come even further down the line. To me that is natural progression with life.
You've spent a lot of time with them, they may want more time with their dc and dgc, they may be tired on their days without them.

Just an update. I have texted my sister in law to ask how she is and at first she was vague and said she feels unwell on and off but then she told me that she has been having trouble with her head and has been referred for an MRI scan and has been feeling rubbish for weeks so this explains it.

She has had issues with her head before and been diagnosed with a non malignant lump which the doctors have told her is quite common. Seems like it is causing her issues again. I will ring her over the weekend or next week to catch up with her.

So in this instance I was overthinking it, which I do tend to do often due to my anxiety.

I still value the relationship with my family and will always want this to continue.

@pussinboots61 You’ve shown her that you care and that means a lot. 💐

Apologies if I've misunderstood as i took it from your post My Mum had asked them to look after me when anything happened to her and they kept that promise.

Thank you for the apology but this still doesn't mean that I was pandered to. There is nothing wrong with parents wanting one of their kids to look out for the other.

That’s good that you now know op. Like I said usually it’s something going on in the background if a sudden change after all these years.

Hi OP - I am so glad you picked up the phone to your SIL, although upsetting news, you did the right thing. It your updates the faith in your family bond was unwavering and you have been proved right. It was never you, it was circumstances. I hope your SIL recovers soon.

Don't bother OP.
If she wanted to see you she/they would.
Don't chase her, you'll.only feel.let down and frustrated as you are now.
The balls in her court now.

Just because your related by birth dosent mean you'll.get on, or have anything in common though.
Lots of families, don't see each other or get on.

If your SIL is unwell you could offer to help out with shopping/cooking etc if they are in their 70s now. Given you are younger and no doubt their adult children have young families you could be well placed to help them out.