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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please help me work out if DH or I was wrong here?

31 replies

lifeandlovee · 29/07/2025 18:31

I’m off work this week with DC1 who’s on summer hols. He’s been a PITA all day so I’m not in the best mood.

Anyway, DH gets home from work, dinner is put straight on the table for him and I tidied up after. DC2 leads daddy to the oldest one’s bedroom and asks for the baby-ish play tills which are too high to reach, so he gets them both down and comes back to the kitchen. The next thing DC1 snatches one and DC2 kicks off screaming and crying inconsolably. DH then goes in the room and says “one each” after having given both to DC2 seconds before. By this point DC2 is totally having a meltdown, so I tell DC1 off and said “you’ve had all day to play with them if you wanted to but you suddenly only want them because DC2 has them” (I know this is the story of everyone’s life with 2 young kids)
DC1 seems to understand this and says “okay then” giving the till back wanting DC2 to stop screaming.
Then DH says “no one each” completely undermining what I’ve said.

We have now had a row about this and both of us think we’re right but he thinks DC2 should learn to share (age 2, just) whereas I think DC1 (age 5.5) needs to know not to snatch and not just want something because DC2 suddenly has it. WIU here!?

OP posts:
ChandrilanDiscoDroid · 29/07/2025 18:33

I think it's a storm in a teacup, you're both tired and frazzled, and you should discuss not contravening or undermining each other in front of the kids another time when you're both a bit more calm and resourceful.

Let it go for now. It's not worth another dingdong.

Derbee · 29/07/2025 18:33

YABU.

You sound like you were unnecessarily unkind to a 5 year old. Of course toys are more appealing when others are playing with them - they’re small children. Nobody needs 2 tills, even an angry two year old.

Your husband was correct, in my opinion.

SleepyRedPanda · 29/07/2025 18:34

If I’m reading this correctly, you were the one who undermined your DH in the first place when he originally said “one each”. He was the one parenting at that point and I think you should have left him to do so in the way he wanted.

However, parenting in the summer holidays is often no fun and it sounds like you’ve had a stressful day. Hopefully tomorrow will be easier.

CommissarySushi · 29/07/2025 18:34

It sounds like you undermined your husband first though?

I would've stuck to what your dh said first, and if it was really an issue, discuss it later with him when the kids weren't around.

CaptainFuture · 29/07/2025 18:35

So you honestly think 'one each' isn't right and a toddler tantrum wins?

CopperWhite · 29/07/2025 18:37

You were right about dc1 only wanting the ball because dc2 had them, but you undermined your DH first so you can’t complain that he undermined you. Undermining the other parent in front of the children never ends well.

doodleschnoodle · 29/07/2025 18:38

I mean this is just normal sibling stuff isn’t it? If one child picks up a toy that neither has been bothered with in six months, the other child suddenly needs it more than anything they want in their life. It’s annoying but it’s just how little kids operate. If there’s two then each having one seems the perfect solution as it’s not really the kind of toy you need two of to play with, surely? I would have said ‘one each’ and left them to it and if they couldn’t play with them like that I’d just take them away again.

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 29/07/2025 18:41

CommissarySushi · 29/07/2025 18:34

It sounds like you undermined your husband first though?

I would've stuck to what your dh said first, and if it was really an issue, discuss it later with him when the kids weren't around.

Edited

My thoughts exactly. You can't get irritated at him "undermining" you when you did exactly the same thing.

brunettemic · 29/07/2025 18:41

If your issue is he undermined you then you undermined him before that anyway so I guess you need to ask why did you do that.

Original poster
lifeandlovee · 29/07/2025 18:43

I get that there was 2 and the logical solution is one each, but DH gave them both to DC2 when DC1 wasn’t even in the room. DC1 then caused DC2 to have the meltdown and going along with DH’s solution of 1 each, then let DC1 get away with purposely winding DC2 up which is what he was doing, having been a wind up all day long. I didn’t want him to get away with that whereas DH was letting that happen, in my opinion anyway..

OP posts:
CopperWhite · 29/07/2025 18:56

Yes, but you still undermined him first.

You could have told him all that later, away from the children.

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 29/07/2025 18:57

lifeandlovee · 29/07/2025 18:43

I get that there was 2 and the logical solution is one each, but DH gave them both to DC2 when DC1 wasn’t even in the room. DC1 then caused DC2 to have the meltdown and going along with DH’s solution of 1 each, then let DC1 get away with purposely winding DC2 up which is what he was doing, having been a wind up all day long. I didn’t want him to get away with that whereas DH was letting that happen, in my opinion anyway..

And in his opinion the fairest thing was one each.

FluffPiece · 29/07/2025 19:01

You undermined him first and it’ll do DC2 good to learn to share. You are just pissed at your DC1 after spending the day with him and using this as a stick to beat him with. This is a you problem, not your DH and certainly not your DC1.

autienotnaughty · 29/07/2025 19:03

Dc 1 should have given it back for snatching
ypu and dh need to be on same page. If he’s prepared to follow through and manage dc 2temper tantrum then he should manage it if he’s going to huff and hand it back to you, you should manage it. I’d left him to it and gone had a soak in the tub.

Teenytwo · 29/07/2025 19:06

I think you undermined him first, but I agree with your thoughts on who should have had the toys. I would have let it slide but said to dh why I didn’t agree so that next time we could have been on the same page…. Unless I was really wound up already and then I would have probably reacted the same as you did.

Teenytwo · 29/07/2025 19:07

Is snatching a toy off a younger sibling teaching that child to share? Or would explaining that they can play with them next is sharing?

Jumpthewaves · 29/07/2025 19:08

You undermined him, he undermined you, you all felt rubbish afterwards. I think remember you love each other and move on, life is too short for this.

Wolfpa · 29/07/2025 19:13

You undermined him first by reversing how he was dealing with the situation.

Stompythedinosaur · 29/07/2025 19:21

I think you're probably tired and angry with your eldest, and being a bit unfair to him.

No one can simultaneously play with two toy tills. It seems reasonable to me that dd2 could have both tills if no one else wanted them, but needs to give one up it they do.

Is there any chance the difficult behavior you're seeming from dc1 is because you're favouring dc2 a bit? Letting the toddler have both toys so he doesn't scream does seem a bit biased.

Coconutter24 · 29/07/2025 19:22

You undermined him first so YABU. He came up with a solution which was one each and you came in and undermined him.

ooooohlala · 29/07/2025 19:26

I think you’re right, but it’s not totally clear cut. Undermining you is shitty though.

But I have exactly the same ages and…. Solidarity. It can be tough.

Original poster
lifeandlovee · 29/07/2025 19:27

Yes I did undermine him because he hadn’t acknowledged DC1’s snatching, he didn’t mention it and just let DC2 feel hard done by. I probably was overly irritated by this because DC1 had been pushing my buttons all day but I felt I needed to explain to DC1 (and therefore undermine DH’s “one each” approach) because he hadn’t explained the situation properly so DC1 couldn’t learn from it. DC2 had to learn from it because that was their only choice!

OP posts:
OCDandUS · 29/07/2025 19:29

you undermined your dh - he said one till each first.
why does a one year old need two tills?

Jumpthewaves · 29/07/2025 19:46

lifeandlovee · 29/07/2025 19:27

Yes I did undermine him because he hadn’t acknowledged DC1’s snatching, he didn’t mention it and just let DC2 feel hard done by. I probably was overly irritated by this because DC1 had been pushing my buttons all day but I felt I needed to explain to DC1 (and therefore undermine DH’s “one each” approach) because he hadn’t explained the situation properly so DC1 couldn’t learn from it. DC2 had to learn from it because that was their only choice!

Just let it go!

champagnetrial · 29/07/2025 19:56

I think DC1 snatched the till because he wanted to be noticed by daddy too (because daddy had handed out the tills).

But daddy wasn't playing, only handing them out because his supper was on the table (which he was served like you would if you went to a restaurant).

Then you were cross because actually, you had been fire-fighting with the little one all day AND daddy didn't read the situation with the kids which was not: I want the tills, but: we want you to notice us and have a bit of a chat or whatevs and he missed that completely when really he had no other repsonsibility but to eat the dinner, which had been made for him (not even any clearing up), so he could have given three minutes to assess the situation with the kids.

And the fact that he didn't clock this is bloody irritating. Because you are no better equipped to be the fount of all knowledge in the kids' psyche. And yet. Here you are.