Can't cope with DS

[Worriedsick89]

I’ve posted before but I don’t know how to link the old thread. Thought I’d write a new one as people weren’t RTFT and I’m feeling so out of my depth today and really don’t know what to do anymore.

DS is 16. We’ve had a lot going on – school refusal, talking to God knows who as his phone is locked down, on his phone all the time and I’m concerned what he’s doing online (a lot of violent porn), risky behaviour, anger, shutting down, and possible grooming when he was younger by an older teen (he was 12, the boy was 17 at the time – ex found out and it’s had a lasting impact). We’ve been trying everything to support him – GP involvement, conversations, plans, even trying to reconnect as a family. His dad came to stay last week to try to help and things seemed a bit more stable by the weekend. We even booked a trip together for later this week to see Hamilton as DS was excited about it.

But it’s been really rough since Sunday when his dad went back home. He’s barely spoken to me since, and when he does, it’s either snapping or shouting. He’s been angry at the smallest things, slamming doors, refusing food, saying I ruin everything. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells every second.

Last night he came downstairs in a mood, already angry because the internet had glitched and the TV app wasn’t loading properly. He started shouting and swearing – called me useless and a bitch and told me he doesn’t want to live with me anymore. Said he’s going to get his own place and when I asked how he thought he’d afford that, he said “I’ll get a boyfriend first, he’ll pay for it.”

I tried to stay calm but then he hit me. Full-on, slapped me across the arm and shoved past me. I’m bruised. He stormed back upstairs and pulled down a big poster on his wall – one he’s had for years – and it ripped. I told him if he didn’t calm down I’d have no choice but to call the police. He shouted that he didn’t care – said at least then he’d be away from me.

I didn’t call. I just froze.

This morning he’s barely come out of his room. He came down briefly and tried to tape the poster back together but couldn’t get it right, so he got upset again, went outside and threw it in the bin. Told me it was my fault it was ruined, said he hates me, and went back upstairs. He hasn’t eaten or spoken since.

I phoned the GP yesterday morning and they’ve booked an appointment but it’s not until next week. I feel so scared. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I love him so much but I can’t live like this. I don’t feel safe in my own home and I’m terrified of what he might do next – to himself or to me.

AIBU to say I can’t cope? What am I meant to do?

I read some of your earlier thread, and I think you need to report the assault to the police. I know he is your son, but this is escalating and he cannot be allowed to get away with hurting you without consequence.

It all must be so difficult. 😓

He’s assaulted you. You threatened to call the police and then didn’t. He now knows you don’t follow through and there are no consequences. Next time it could be worse. It’s not too late to call the police. They are very good at dealing with this sort of thing and it might give him a wake up call. It doesn’t sound like his time on line is helping his mental health so why is he being allowed unfettered internet access as a right rather than a privilege? Is it because you are scared of his reaction? Take care and put your safety first.

You need to call the police. Enough is enough.

Can you not pack him off to his dads? I’d not put up with that sh*t in my house ever.

I agree that you need to call the police if this happens again, he cannot get away with physically assaulting you.

You need to call the police. Have you contacted social services? This is another option. Could he go and stay at his dad’s for a while?

Call the police, change the wifi password and tell him that if there is any further bad behaviour you'll cancel his phone contract.

Maybe it would be better if he went to stay with his Dad for a bit.

I would ask his dad to take him for a while if you can.

Didn’t read last thread. Don’t call police - off to dad’s with him. Any chance you and dad could live together until he’s grown and off. I don’t mean reconcile, but make it work?

@Worriedsick89 Call 101 or message them online - it's non emergency police line. Tell them about BOTH what happened with the drugs/alcohol and going to A&E and also about the last week when he was threatning you and almost hit you (it needs to be on record to build a picture - also mention the bruise it left). Ask them to get SS or Early Help/Family Solutions involved urgently - tell them you are bruised. Mention the drugs and the alcohol perhaps even taking painkillers as an attempt. You can also call your local duty emergency line from SS (in the council) at ANY TIME during the night or day, if the police feels to big, they'll come and help - you might need to find it now so if it happens you know what to do.

Then contact the GP and ask for 1. The appointment to be this week, and perhpas a home appointment as you don't think he will come and could ger violent if you try to force him. A referral to CAHMS and psychiatry (for a general assesment, mention possibility of drugs and say your worried about psychosis down the line etc), even if your not they'll speed up a referral for that and get him a proper assesment. They can refer to other services and also maybe ask the council if they have Family Support Services.

Try and call Young Minds, and NSPCC maybe for advice on him and what to do in the meantime. Then maybe also call Samaritans for support for yourself. It's not your fault at all, you haven't done anything to deserve this and you will get through this. I hope your okay.

Thanks all. I hear what you’re saying – I really do. I blocked the porn sites on the home WiFi months ago, but he figured out how to get around it using his phone’s hotspot. I’ve thought about taking the phone away so many times, but I’m honestly scared it’ll escalate things even more. The way he reacts when he feels “controlled” is frightening. I’m not excusing anything, but it’s like walking into a storm blindfolded – you never know how bad it’s going to get.

As for calling the police – I get why people are suggesting it and I’m not dismissing it out of hand. But I just couldn’t do it in the moment. I froze. And now, I don’t know – I’m scared it’ll make everything worse. I don’t want to criminalise him. He’s still my son and I know there’s a lot of pain and trauma underneath all of this. It doesn’t excuse his behaviour, but it makes it so hard to know what’s right. I feel like if I call the police, I’m choosing something I can’t take back.

His dad does want to help, and we’ve spoken about him staying there – but the problem is, ex works full-time and DS would just be left on his own most of the time. I don’t think that’s safe either, not for DS and definitely not for others. There’s no structure, no boundaries, and it would probably unravel fast.

I just feel stuck. None of the options feel safe or manageable. I’m so tired of feeling like every choice could blow everything up.

Can his dad come and live with you? I get that that’s a pretty extreme solution, but you’ve got a pretty extreme problem. You desperately need help and it could work. I think it’s worth a try. What ever else you and his dad have got going on in your lives, this is really going to dominate everything so it might be worth making sacrifices elsewhere and living together if it improves your son’s behaviour. You cannot stay as you are, it’s not safe for you.

Great advice, @TheLivelyViper

@Worriedsick89 I too have been following your other thread, you’ve been coping phenomenally with the torrent of abuse & trauma you’ve been receiving. Please get the support that you both deserve, I reckon The Viper has it right.
I’m sending you love & strength for the next few days &
weeks 🌺

It won't make things worse, do you know what will? Doing nothing.

1. Call the duty local SS/council emergency helpline - they won't criminalise him, the social workers will help. I completely understand why you wouldn't want to call the police on your own son - its very difficult. Ask for Early Help services and/or Family Solutions. All of them will help you get though this and give him support - even if he doesn't engage at all the first time - they are brilliant at slowly building trust.
2. Move the GP appointment forward - tell them he's getting violent, that you're worried about a suicide attempt, more drug use and the history of grooming - whatever you need to say to they move the appointment (I'd ask for a home appointment or it will be very hard to get him in there unless you trick him).
3. Then call the NSPCC and ask for advice - they'll know local services.
4. I'd also ask when you call SS to get the Youth Offending Team involved - they steer people away from country lines, crime and grooming (make sure you mention the history of grooming). I'd perhaps also want PREVENT involved since he's watching violent porn (they now look at misogyny and violence even if it's not linked to terrorist motivations either).

Also have you told his dad what happened yet or no? I get your scared so do 1 thing at a time, if you really don't want to call the police, then please do what I've said above. It will give him the intensive support he needs, not criminalise him and safeguard the both of you. Keep going, one step at a time.

Was he a victim of CSA OP when he 12? That combined with the phone obsession, risky behaviour and saying he'll get a boyfriend to pay for his life all seems to add up together to a child who may already be putting himself in some very dangerous situations.

Did he have professional help with whatever happened when he was 12? Is he gay? Comfortable in his sexuality? How did he cope with you splitting up and was that before or after what happened when he was 12?

I'd be really, really concerned about him and while the violence is completely unacceptable my concern for him would be higher than my fear of him. I agree with a PP that he desperately needs his dad to move home for now and I'd be doing whatever i could to make that happen.

Truthfully with every update you post, I don’t know how any of this can possibly get worse? It’s already as bad as it gets. You’re living in fear of your own child and being assaulted by him and he doesn’t even care. He sounds delusional. This isn’t normal behaviour. Can you honestly see anyone wanting him for a boyfriend? What more do you need to happen? For him to put you in hospital? Because that’s what’s coming next.

From the last thread I think he was around 3 when OP split up with his dad. He's come out of gay (though initially when he did to his dad, he also found about the grooming so was a lot). And no the grooming incident was never reported so I'm doubtful that he got help for it. He seems like he needs a lot i
of support, but also so does OP.

I have told his dad – he tried calling DS on Sunday evening and again yesterday but DS just declined the calls and left all the messages on read. I think he’s now blocked him, as ex sent me a screenshot this morning and DS’s WhatsApp has gone “funny” – no profile picture, no last seen, nothing. His dad’s trying, but he works full-time and it’ll be a real struggle for him to just up and move, even temporarily. I know he’d want to, but it’s not simple.

To answer the question – no, he wasn’t a victim of CSA in the legal sense, but he was groomed by the older boy. DS was 12, the other boy was 17. DS still sees it as a “relationship” and refuses to see it any other way. He was living with his dad back then and I didn’t find out until much later. His dad only found out because DS was about to go get on a train and meet the boy when he was 13. Some of the messages were explicit on both sides. Ex didn’t report it – he took his phone, made him delete his socials and changed his number. DS still resents him massively for that – I think that’s part of why he’s blocked him now. But when his dad came at the weekend, we really did seem to have a breakthrough. It felt like a glimmer of hope, which makes all of this since then even harder.

DS is gay, and that’s absolutely fine with both of us – but what does concern me is the way he talks about relationships. He makes comments like “I’ll get a boyfriend, he’ll pay for everything,” or “I’ll find a sugardaddy.” And he says it like that’s his entire plan for the future. That’s what scares me. He could be talking to anyone online. His phone is PAYG – I do control the top-ups, but he’s still on WiFi at home, so he can use apps and message whoever. I’m scared of cutting it off because I just don’t know how he’ll react – the aggression, the shutdown, or even worse. It feels like trying to block a leak with paper – pointless and dangerous.

I’m really grateful for the practical suggestions – I hadn’t thought of Early Help or Family Solutions and I will call the council’s emergency line tomorrow. I think I need to take it step by step or I’ll just shut down too. I’ll also try calling the GP again first thing and explain the escalation – hopefully they can bring the appointment forward or do a home visit.

I honestly feel like I’m living on a knife edge.

Are there other children in the house @Worriedsick89 ?

I’m wondering if there is help available within the gay community. This is completely outside my sphere of experience, but I’ve read plenty of stories about young gay men and boys being victims of grooming from older predatory men. Which means there are men out there who have had the same experience as he has and are now adults and perhaps can see the situation more clearly in hindsight than he can living it in the moment. Right now I expect he’s feeling like no one understands him. You and his dad clearly love him and want to help him, but you are a woman, and his dad is I’m guessing a heterosexual man (I’m aware he could be bi, of have come out as gay since your split, but my instinct is that you’d have mentioned this if it was the case, do correct me if I’m wrong). Does he have anyone in his life who is a positive role model who is a gay man? Does he have contact with other young gay men other than this older boy who groomed him? I’m just thinking he could do with someone in his life who can actually relate to what he’s going through. I’m wondering if there might be some sort of mentoring program through a charity for supporting young men who’ve been the victim of gay grooming. Maybe not quite that specific, but there are good people in the world who want to help, and if he could connect with someone who actually understands what he’s going through from personal experience they would have a much better understanding than you or your ex could ever have.

My other thought is to just get him the hell out of the situation. Take him or send him off somewhere with no internet and completely detached from the rest of the world. Some sort of retreat. I expect that would be very expensive to do though.

Oh OP, I had literally just thought I must go and find that thread to see if you had updated before I logged off this evening. I don't have anything more helpful to say than has alreasy been said but I wanted you to know you were being thought of.

No - DS is an only child on both sides - which I think makes it even harder in some ways. It’s just the two of us here most of the time - and I feel really isolated. I don’t have any family around - and most of my friends have slowly drifted away over the years, especially with everything that’s been going on. I don’t really talk to anyone about this in real life - it just feels too big, too complicated, and honestly, I’m ashamed a lot of the time. I’m tired of pretending everything’s fine.

Your son obviously needs help, but I am concerned you are at real risk of physical harm from your son (which is why I asked about other children.)
You have had some very well informed advice on this thread, but in the very short term, as pp’s have suggested, your son’s father should be doing more; at the very least he should be staying with you.
It really is too much for one person to be dealing with.

I know you don’t want to call the police but the services he needs are easier to access with police and social care services in place. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before they are willing to help. It’s an awful thing but it’s the system that’s broken.
you son needs help, not protection from his actions. He is old enough to know right from wrong.

I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen threads like these on mumsnet before, sadly I only see future updates becoming far worse and more disturbing. This is already horrific reading,