I feel sick… handhold needed please

[HappyIsADream]

After a night of getting embarrassingly drunk, and having intrusive thoughts that have followed for the last 3 months, I have ordered an STD testing kit.

I am a married mother of 2. I love my family and would never want to jeopardise that. I feel dirty and unclean. I am afraid of what happened to me during a period of being so drunk. Some of these intrusive thoughts feel so real, and I really can’t be sure. My husband knows everything and my fear is that I have been taken advantage of.

I am afraid, so afraid. Please help me get through this. I feel sick with worry.

I don’t know how soon the kit will arrive, but I’d imagine in the next couple of days. Then I’ll have to wait for the results. I just really need support. 😢 I know this is my fault and I should never have allowed myself to get into the state I ended up in.

I have been putting off organising these tests. I know that sounds ridiculous! I have been convincing myself it’ll all be fine, but then getting a wave of fear and panic hitting me when my guard is down. I can’t move past this without going through this uncomfortable period.

Sending sympathy and hugs to you. Been there myself. Get some counselling if possible because intrusive thoughts breed paranoia and shame and then you're in a vicious circle. I hope your partner is being understanding. You will find good support here (and hopefully no judgement).

Thank you @Whatifitallgoesright - I just can’t think straight right now. This is going to be a horrendous couple of weeks. Don’t know how I’ll get through it. I’m very grateful for your kindness.

I can only offer love and support. What an awful thing, I truly hope that it turns out ok. Might be worth some short term therapy to help you to work through these thoughts and feelings.

Intrusive thoughts are the absolute worst!! It’s good that you can talk to your husband about how you’re feeling.

I’m sure the STD test will put your mind at rest. Remember, If someone took advantage of you when you were drunk they are the bad person, not you, but the chances are nothing happened.

Thank you @Mingenious - I appreciate your message! I’ve never felt so afraid. My husband is incredible. I just don’t want to burden him by going on about this.

I really hope for you that the tests are clear and that nothing happened to you (though appreciate the tests don't necessarily give you an answer to that)

Bear in mind though that if you came across a man or woman too drunk to know what they were doing, the chances are you'd check they were ok and get them some water and make sure they could get home ok, wouldn't you? So please remember that if anything happened it's entirely on the other person. Being drunk is not an invite, it's quite the opposite to any reasonable human being.

I think you posted about this before?

Sexual assault is never your fault.

If you're doing a postal test, you usually get the kit within days and the results within a week after posting. It won't take long.

Fwiw in-person STI clinics are faster and very understanding about these worries and situations.

I’m glad you have his support. He sounds like a good and kind man.

It’s good that you recognise these as intrusive thoughts. I experienced similar in the 90s during the AIDS pandemic. It is worth looking at the UK OCD website to see how common these types of thoughts are. It’s also actually better that you’ve waited so long that absolutely everything can be tested for in one go. Is there any way you can distract yourself until the results come back?

What is it you’re afraid of?

There’s nothing that can’t be overcome.

As PP mentioned at least 95% of people are good, kind people who will look out for others on nights out.

If you are open to going to the sexual health clinic there will be staff there that you can talk this through with as well as get quicker results. They are really kind, understanding and non-judgemental. They will know where you can go for further support. It sounds like you need more than these test results, although that may put your mind at rest or protect your physical health they may not address the emotional support you need.

I agree with @JLou08 - you could get so much reassurance from a face to face STI clinic. They are used to dealing with worried people (the “worried well” in my case.) I had a scare in 2022 after my then partner told me he’d had unprotected threesomes with men and women in hotels. At the time only online tests were available because of Covid and monkeypox, but everything came back negative thank goodness. It was within a week too, by text.

Hand holding. Intrusive thoughts are horrendous. If someone took advantage then it is definitely not on you, and all on them. I'm really glad your husband is being supportive. If you can get some therapy to get you through this then that might be an idea for the short term, but also for the longer term too, to explore what is leading to such persistant intrusive thoughts. Sending big hugs xx

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been there multiple times and it's a horrible, horrible experience. Keep talking about it if/when you can. They are just intrusive thoughts and they will go away! Keep being kind to yourself.

I was diagnosed with OCD at 31 during my second pregnancy and suddenly it made more sense. Try to self refer for talking therapies if its offered in your area and you are able to, or speak to your GP/Mental Health Practitioner when you are ready.

You poor thing. I am thinking of you.
I think you need two things:

1. Visit to a Sexual Health clinic. You will get answers more quickly and they will be really supportive of this deeply upsetting situation you find yourself in.
2. A therapist. You have such a lot of feelings here - feelings that you were taken advantage of in the most awful way, but also guilt and shame (which you don't deserve, but are there in your post). This is becoming, perhaps, paranoia, dominating your thoughts. You need support to talk through what happened, examine your dominating thoughts (this is not your fault, you have no reason to be ashamed). It is very very likely that the STI tests will be negative, I hope, but at the moment all your anxiety, shame, and fear is fixating on the tests. Once you have answers on the STI part (hopefully that you are clear), you will still need somewhere for all these feelings to go.

You are not alone. Sending you lots of love.

Hello! Do you have OCD? As this seems very like OCD to me. In which case id really recommend speaking to a GP to see if they might prescribe you medication/ recommend counselling. My friend had almost the exact same 'theme' - had a great night out with friends and then started having intrusive thoughts that shed cheated, even though she knew she hadn't. Obsessed about it for weeks. She then sought treatment for OCD and the thoughts dissolved away x

I have had OCD in the past @ToysRus56, a number of years ago. I convinced myself of all sorts back then. I had counselling, and I am aware that this black out might be triggering this to return. That’s why I kept talking myself out of it and convincing myself it’s “just” OCD. But these fears keep re-surfacing and I genuinely have a complete black out. I was also propositioned by someone earlier in the night (who I was not remotely interested in - as mentioned, I am happily married). I just have this sick feeling in my stomach which won’t go away. I’ve felt ill for 3 months straight. I can’t go on like this.

I believe that if these test results come back negative, I will have to move forward with not knowing what happened, but knowing there are no lasting repercussions.

If you could face it - you have a confidential appointment with your local clinic. I know people who have gone there and very matter of fact about it but kind and empathetic. Counselling and sign posting.

If something happened to you whilst you couldn’t consent you do know that is not your fault - don’t you? Consent has to be actively sought.

The last person I knew phoned on Monday and got an appointment Tuesday - an hour appointment and chatting, blood test and swabs. Text message all clear about 5 days later and a follow up phone call to check they were ok with the signposts given and if they needed more information.

If I remember correctly you have no recollection or evidence of anything happening with anyone, you simply got drunk but since then you've become convinced that you had sex with someone. Is that correct?

Pretty much @Eyesopenwideawake - I go between being convinced I’m fine and nothing happened, to feeling sick to the pit of my stomach, with a memory I think I’ve most likely invented. The truth is, it was a total blackout and I have no way to know if any of this could be a flashback.

I know exactly how you feel. When I got pregnant finally for the first time after multiple miscarriages I kept thinking it was too good to be true. I was happily married. Rewind back a few weeks to my staff Xmas party and I had a section of the night where I don't remember anything. Like going to the pub after the party and subsequently ending back at my hotel.

When I became pregnant with my husband I became obsessed and convinced that in that period of black out I'd been raped altho had not evidence to suggest this was so.
The thought became obsessive and compulsive and plagued my pregnancy. In fact it ruined it. I became so ill.

When I finally got my long awaited baby I spent ages scrutinising how she looked and wondering if she was my husbands. Sounds mad I know. In the end the only thing I could do was a paternity test. Of course she is my husbands. Of course she is. Nothing happened.

I went to therapy and they told me I had PTSD from the previous losses and to protect myself my brain somehow malfunctioned to create these awful stories. I was genuinely genuinely ill and I look back at that dark time and feel so sorry for myself. Intrusive thoughts are horrendous and exhausting. Once you get the all clear on your std you should definitely look at some medication for the thoughts and anxiety. It will really really help.

Sending hugs OP it's a horrible feeling. Who were you out with at the time? Can they offer any reassurance? I had one night in my early 20s i went for a work night and ended up only 2 other people actually showed up, 2 blokes who had both made a pass at me on other occasions but I wasn't interested and had a partner. I remember us doing shots in revolution then absolutely nothing until the next day and I was absolutely terrified as I had no idea what had happened. All I know is they dropped me home in a taxi 3 hours later and obviously I never had any way of finding out what happened in those 3 hours and it still haunts me.