I feel sick… handhold needed please

[HappyIsADream]

After a night of getting embarrassingly drunk, and having intrusive thoughts that have followed for the last 3 months, I have ordered an STD testing kit.

I am a married mother of 2. I love my family and would never want to jeopardise that. I feel dirty and unclean. I am afraid of what happened to me during a period of being so drunk. Some of these intrusive thoughts feel so real, and I really can’t be sure. My husband knows everything and my fear is that I have been taken advantage of.

I am afraid, so afraid. Please help me get through this. I feel sick with worry.

Thank you all for being so kind. I am absolutely mortified that I am in this position. I will never allow myself to get into this situation again. I am so sorry to hear others have been through this. I wish there was a way to be sure about what had happened to me. I will never, ever allow myself to be in any doubt ever again. I just want to be happy again, if that’s even possible now. I’ve let myself down and my family.

@HappyIsADream Gently, you need to try and change this mindset. You got drunk – as everyone does once in a while; it's not a character flaw or a crime, it's just something that happened. Once.

The massive likelihood is that nothing else happened and you need to stop berating yourself or saying you've let yourself down. You didn't and you haven't. If you can't let this go please get some counselling to put a minor transgressive from the past in it's rightful place at the back of your memory.

If it’s possible these are flashbacks you are having? perhaps you should go to a clinic for your sti tests and tell them you may have been assaulted. They might be able to get you seen by a counsellor sooner. Can you be sure your drink wasn’t spiked?

Unfortunately I can’t go to the clinic as I have no one to watch my children (Long story). And I’m certainly not taking them with me.

I am now worrying, the tests I’m being sent are for chlamydia, ghonnorea, HIV and something else (maybe Hepatitis). Will these test for both vaginal and anal infections? Sorry I know that’s tmi.

I’ve just checked and they are vaginal swabs, but I want tested for everything. 😢

I wish life was easier. I just really want to be happy again. It’s been 3 months or torment with this and I’m tired.

I have the most gorgeous family and every reason to smile, but this black shadow has been so overwhelming for the last while. My husband is absolutely amazing. I am so fortunate. And he knows how much I love him. I just want this to be in the past but I now don’t even think these tests will give me the answers I need.

I feel for you. I had my drink spiked years ago and I honestly thought it was just that I was drunk but ended up showing in a test that I was spiked. I also didn’t have much alcohol in my system. The whole ordeal was terrifying. Not least because I had flashes and panics about things that had happened but no idea on how real they were. Best advice is talk to people around you, get all the tests done and seek counselling. Is there anything you can clarify? Maybe bar or club CCTV? Try and stay focused on doing one thing at a time and let your emotions out as and when you need to xxx

A blackout is when your brain stops making new memories due to the amount of alcohol and thats why you don't remember anything. I have been told that I was acting normally (bar being pissed!) but I'd stopped creating memories so I was blank. Then of course your mind will be compelled to fill that blank and thats when a vivid imagination will take hold or genuine painful memories will rear their ugly little heads.

I think you need to speak to a counsellor. If youre symptom free youre likely STD clear, but obviously good youre checking... but if it all comes back negative. Then what?

Im not trying to be awful but I dont think an all clear will fix this level of spiralling and I think you need more support and wish you the very best

Did you post about this before?
It is extremely stressful.

I am sorry you are experiencing this. If this was a friend going through this - what would you say to her? Now tell that to yourself. We mess up. We learn from it hopefully. Give yourself some grace.

Oh op. I feel for you. Giving you lots of love and support. Please be kind to yourself.
read what you posted and pretend a friend had text you it about her. What would you be saying??

firstly, if, and I mean a big IF, anything did happen this wouldn’t be your fault.

secondly, the chances anything happened are low. Most people are good people and would not take advantage of someone in a state.

I have read it that your husband is aware and is being supportive…. He’s a good guy who knows you and knows you’re a good person. Your family is safe.

please seek some support from a professional. Do you have access to any counselling services at work? Or maybe via your husband’s work? If not would you speak with your gp or maybe a helpline?
a year from now you will be in a better place I promise.
I have the same intrusive thoughts and have blacked out drunk a few times. The last time I was worried similar to you and it’s awful. I have once had such intrusive thoughts my best friend found me crying a week later because I was worried I could have killed someone (no backstory to this, I’m the most non violent person ever, I don’t even squish spiders incase their family misses them 🙈🤣). I needed help. So do you op. Please treat yourself with kindness. You don’t deserve to feel like this. Hugs to you.

Can your husband take an hour off work to watch the kids while you go to the clinic? Or even go to the GP and explain why you can't go to the clinic? Might be easier with the kids? If you don't want to speak in front of them you could write it all down and hand the GP a note explaining what's happened - I've done this before. The GP can do all the same tests, its only difference is the clinic is set up just to deal with sexual health. I think you need to be seen by someone. As you say, even if everything comes back negative, there will still be those doubts. I have OCD, proper diagnosed, and sometimes I need to go back on medication to put everything back into its proper perspective and the weird, instrusive thoughts back in their boxes. Std and hiv thoughts are often the ones that pop up for me first when things are getting bad again, and they spiral until I get help and usually require therapy and meds. Please, please see your GP about the intrusive thoughts. You may also need proper counselling around what might have happened when you were out if it feels like there might be flashbacks too. I absolutely promise you though that if something did happen, you did not let yourself or your family down - as other posters have said - no decent human being would take advantage of someone in a drunken state, they would be despicable if they did. Everyone gets blind drunk sometimes, but that doesn't mean you let yourself or anyone else down, it means you let your hair down! Feel for you so so much, wish I could give you a huge hug IRL as it sounds like you need it.

Hello xxx my love I really think you are experiencing a severe OCD spike. In which case, by testing you're sort of inadvertently feeding the anxiety, which makes it worse. OCD is called the doubting disease. I'm not saying don't get the tests done, do, but I really really would urge you to go to the GP as well. Have you had CBT for OCD before? I recommend SSRIs to help alongside therapy. My worry is that even if you get negative test results you'll still be plagued with doubt. The key with OCD is to just try to dismiss the thoughts as just that - thoughts - and they will gradually fade away and not have the same intensity. Is there anything stressful going on in your life that could have led to a spike? It often comes amidst stress/ change. Sending you lots of love xxx

When I've had a spike I could have written this message, word for word, it's so odd. You feel like your life as you know it has been taken away from you and things will never be the same. Please please do see your GP alongside getting tests. It was actually as a result of kind Mumsnetters that I realised I was struggling with OCD, I was posting similarly distressed messages. OCD is a very loopy mental illness but you can recover. I ended up going on meds/ getting therapy on how to handle OCD and my life is amazing now :) I felt just like you I promise. Feel free to DM me xxx my heart goes out to you I really know how you feel xxx

I don’t have any advice, but I’m sorry this has happened to you. If he were refusing to leave my house, I would be in the camp of threatening to send pictures and screenshots to everyone he has ever met.