DH and I agreed to ttc soon but I’m getting cold feet!

[Imnotsurewhattodobaby2]

I may be overthinking this but I’m starting to get cold feet and doubts about ttc soon. We already have a (almost) 3 year old but have both always wanted a second. I’m starting to feel like perhaps I’m not ready. I’ve spoken to close friends about to and have heard different opinions.

I’m 31 in September, DH has just turned 34.

I feel unorganised, overweight, that I want to change things about myself before having another DC. I have suddenly felt like I should try and travel more, study and we’ve spoken about moving to a bigger place. I’ve been told by friends with 2 kids that it’s basically impossible to get anything done. In the same breathe i feel like 4 years would be a great age gap for children. At 31 I’m in my prime time for babies.

I spoke to close friends last night and one told me that she would absolutely go for it now, make better choices with food and exercise during pregnancy and work on my weight more after having both the kids. She thinks have a baby now in our smaller home with lower mortgage and then move. She has a 3 year age gap and said it’s lovely, and that maybe if I pushed it and waited for a few more years then a 6/7 year age gap would be harder. This is also DH’s opinion.

My other friend said if I’m not ready completely then to wait, I’m only 31 so have years left of fertility. Do the things that will be harder to do with 2 kids now and focus on moving then have a baby when my DC is about 5-6. Mortage would be more expensive as a bigger home so hit us more when I go on maternity leave

Every time a friend announces their second pregnancy I get pangs of I can’t wait for that to be me. But I also feel not completely ready. I think deep down my DH will accept and be fine to wait but also know he will be older and I think he’d prefer to go for it now

Definitely just do it if two kids is something you see in your future. You definitely may not have years of fertility left. You may, but you may not. The first few years you don't need a bigger house and they aren't particularly expensive, especially as your oldest will have funded hours. They won't have much in common if you wait much longer and you'll be trying to entertain two children with very different interests compared to two who will play together.

Thank you. Yes I also have to think about my existing child and the age gap. I know some people said their children get on with a bigger age gap but I know it can be hard to entertain

There's no right or wrong answer. I think it's likely that after having one baby, you know how life-altering it can be and while you know you ultimately want to do it, there will be a degree of trepidation. I think that is true for whenever you do it.

I waited 4.5yrs because I was so exhausted and overweight and nervous but actually, having a 2nd was so much easier. I was already a parent and used to structuring my life as a primary carer so the shift wasn't what I expected.

No reason not to start making changes now if you want to. Eat well, exercise and ensure you have a work/life balance. You can ttc while doing this if you decide it's the right time. I was so busy with having two that I was the slimmest I've ever been. I carried dc2 in a sling everywhere and often had 4yr old DD's bags, detritus and even her on my back. I'm glad I had dc2 at 30 as it means that now I'm in my 40s and dealing with an awful perimenopause, I have an adult dc and nearly 14yr old and life is slightly easier for their independence.

For me it’d depend on how upset you’d be if you couldn’t have DC2 Fertility is uncertain. I experienced secondary infertility at a similar age to you (recurrent miscarriages) l.

All age gaps have pros and cons. DCs’ similarities and differences also in the mix. Age gap of 5 years plus is supposedly more like being only children, read online and not from reputable/ official sources!

I would wait. I dont think a 4 year gap is ideal between ages. I think 5 or more is better. If you miss a 2 year gap.

I would listen very carefully to those feelings, not dismiss them. It may be that you tu4n out not to want another child at all.

Are you sure you actually want a second?
Many are so happy to be one and done?
Two children really is busy and that impacts thr mother much more than the father.

Don't be pushed into something you may not want.

I have a 3 year gap and a 2 year gap. No way in hell would I want over 4 year gap, that’s like raising separate batches of kids. You want them to be fairly close together so they can play together and enjoy the same games and movies. A 7 year gap is like a distant cousin not a close friend brother/ sister.

i really wouldn’t put it off or I would decide to be one and done if I were you

You should do what feels right for you, no matter mine or others opinions. For me, I always wanted a 3 year age gap so that’s what we did!

I had my first at 28 and second at 31, so probably similar ages to you. And it’s true, secondary infertility is a real thing, so I guess you have to think of how you’d feel if you waited a while and it then took years, would you be happy if circumstances did mean you ended up just having the 1 you have? If you’re happy either way, and you’re not ready, then there’s no reason to rush now!

I didn’t find having 2 crazy, your life has already changed completely by having the 1, it just adds a little bit more chaos and hard work (but a whole lot of love!) to an already crazy life!

Get there hard slog of life with little kids out of the way sooner and enjoy when they are for instance 14 and 10... a larger gap and their childhoods extend your time as a parent tied to young children. You'll get your own time back sooner if you go for it asap.

Every time a friend announces their second pregnancy I get pangs of I can’t wait for that to be me. But I also feel not completely ready.

I know lots of people who are not completely ready to have their live turned upside down, but if it's something you're sure you definitely want, I'd get it done.

I had losses before my DC so I do also sometimes wonder if we did wait, then ended up having fertility issues would I be kicking myself? I feel like 31 and going through issues is different to 35-36 going through issues

Well I’ve already missed the 3 year age gap so I guess it would be 4 and over. Have never heard the distant cousins relationship with a 7 year age gap but I appreciate your perspective

You are right as well here, I’d just be prolonging the baby stage really wouldn’t I!

I have a 5 year age gap between mine and it has been good so far. Most people I know had their second when their first was a toddler. My 5 year old can dress himself, entertain himself and doesn’t need to be watched constantly so for me it appears less stressful and he loves the baby. I don’t know how close they will be when they are older but we will see!

I was thinking as well, my best friend and her sister basically hate each other and they are 2 year age gap so I guess it really doesn’t matter in a way

I have 4.5yrs between mine and they're currently 18 and 13, nearly 14. It made life easier when dc2 was born as dc1 was starting school and could help out and really understood what was happening.

And they're thick as thieves. Been best friends since the beginning. I would take the "no way in hell" comment with a pinch of salt as they haven't experienced it.

I think a 4 year gap is a great gap! If you wait longer you might feel even less like it tbh.

I have struggled pp with no 2 just going back to the beginning again when I had got my social life/ fitness back a bit. However I figure I now have time to get those things back for good as I head towards my 40s (I am older then you though!). If you had another baby in 6 years it would be the same probably and I personally like the feeling I'm done now.

If you're having doubts, wait. Once you're pregnant, you can't undo it (well, without making a medical decision). You're not ready, and that's okay. The age gap is less important than the readiness and willingness of the parents, and the ability to provide properly. Once you have a second you'll be in the baby, toddler, small child years for a long time and as you say that makes everything so much harder.

Wait. Listen to you gut. I know too many people who've ran headfirst into a second and deeply regretted either not delaying it, or doing it altogether.

Yes, but it would be entirely fine to wait longer, feel even less like it, and decide not to have another child. Having one child or two is a complete moral neutral. There’s no reason to have a further child (or indeed a child at all) unless you want one. If the OP isn’t sure, she shouldn’t ttc.

How outdated is your way of thinking! The idea that you must have kids two years apart for them to be close just doesn’t hold up, in many cases, it doesn’t work out that way at all (out of about eight people I know with a two year sibling age gap, one of them get on!!) I know plenty of siblings with a four-year age gap who have wonderful relationships. I’m a mum to an 8-year-old and a 1.5-year-old, and it’s amazing. Also, let’s not ignore the fact that large age gaps often happen for reasons beyond anyone’s control, fertility issues, life circumstances, or personal choice. So making comments like that is not only unhelpful, but also pretty insensitive.

OP don’t let these outdated opinions get to you. You have plenty of time to grow your family, and if you’re not ready yet, that’s perfectly okay. What matters most is that you feel ready, not the age gap. Siblings will bond if they want to, no matter how many years are between them.

I know so many people who have a 5+ year age gap and they are close, what about people who have 3 kids ? There likely a 5+ age gap between the first and last child.

I was so paranoid about a big age gap but like you I wanted to focus on myself. I lost 4 stone, changed my job and I’m currently pregnant, my DD is independent and will be in year 1 when the baby will come. It’ll be just under 6 years between them and I don’t feel guilty at all. I had to put myself first !!!

If you want two go for it. Quite a few of our group struggled to conceive a second. Also, the age gap is a pain as it gets wider.

she would absolutely go for it now, make better choices with food and exercise during pregnancy and work on my weight more after having both the kids

sorry but LOL at this and everyone saying there's no reason to not exercise and eat healthy when pregnant. I was sick as a dog for the first 16 weeks and could eat nothing but pure white carbs. I had a week of feeling OK and then got hit with horrific pelvic girdle pain from 18 weeks and was stuck on the sofa for the rest of my pregnancy. I was on crutches by 24 weeks.

Then when the baby comes, you will have zero time for yourself. Any spare time will be dedicated to your older child. There is nothing for you there OP, your cup will be well and truly empty if you already feel like this now.

DH can bang on all he wants but it's YOU that will have to carry the child and do the majority of the caring for the first couple of years.

So yeah, now your child is 3, prioritise yourself a bit. Exercise, go out with friends, book some nice travels. And when you're ready for it, open up the TTC conversation again.

There are 9 years between my dad and his younger brother by the way. They were not close growing up but they did become close as adults, especially once they started having kids. They have been holidaying together every year for the last 20 years, sometimes more than once a year. It's not about the age gap, it's about personality and relationships.