DH and I agreed to ttc soon but I’m getting cold feet!

[Imnotsurewhattodobaby2]

I may be overthinking this but I’m starting to get cold feet and doubts about ttc soon. We already have a (almost) 3 year old but have both always wanted a second. I’m starting to feel like perhaps I’m not ready. I’ve spoken to close friends about to and have heard different opinions.

I’m 31 in September, DH has just turned 34.

I feel unorganised, overweight, that I want to change things about myself before having another DC. I have suddenly felt like I should try and travel more, study and we’ve spoken about moving to a bigger place. I’ve been told by friends with 2 kids that it’s basically impossible to get anything done. In the same breathe i feel like 4 years would be a great age gap for children. At 31 I’m in my prime time for babies.

I spoke to close friends last night and one told me that she would absolutely go for it now, make better choices with food and exercise during pregnancy and work on my weight more after having both the kids. She thinks have a baby now in our smaller home with lower mortgage and then move. She has a 3 year age gap and said it’s lovely, and that maybe if I pushed it and waited for a few more years then a 6/7 year age gap would be harder. This is also DH’s opinion.

My other friend said if I’m not ready completely then to wait, I’m only 31 so have years left of fertility. Do the things that will be harder to do with 2 kids now and focus on moving then have a baby when my DC is about 5-6. Mortage would be more expensive as a bigger home so hit us more when I go on maternity leave

Every time a friend announces their second pregnancy I get pangs of I can’t wait for that to be me. But I also feel not completely ready. I think deep down my DH will accept and be fine to wait but also know he will be older and I think he’d prefer to go for it now

My DH would never push me! I’m quite lucky that he is lead by me as it’s my body

I can relate, I had HG with my son and survived off Diet Coke and carbs for 16 weeks

It’s really very personal and nobody can tell you the right answer, if your gut feeling is to wait though I probably would wait 6 months then think again.

I have 3 years 9 months between mine, so got pregnant with my second just after my eldest’s 3rd birthday. I had a miscarriage before that so the initial plan was for a smaller age gap, but actually the slightly bigger gap was nice. Eldest was in nursery class part time so I got some baby only time every day, and I was on maternity leave when she started reception so around for her for that.
Also never had 2 sets of childcare costs which was a help.

A lot would depend on how easily you got pregnant the first time too, I was 33 having my second but very lucky to always get pregnant easily.

What do you mean by "travel more" and "study"?
It all sounds quite vague

If you had specific aims you wanted to achieve before having another dc that would be one thing but if you're just talking about going on a few holidays then is that really worth waiting another few years? How much travelling would you realistically be able to do between working and looking after dc1.

Same with studying- if you were in year 2 of a degree it would make sense to wait but if you're just vaguely thinking about retraining at some point then by the time you'd done so and found a new job and been in it long enough to be entitled to full mat pay you could be talking years.

Same with losing weight - you could try really hard over the next year and get down to your perfect weight - and then have dc2 and put it all on again anyway!

If you were thinking about whether to have kids or even a second kid at all then maybe I'd say differently- it could be worth going mad, taking a year off and travelling before having dc. But as a pp said, you've already got a 3 year old, if you definitely want a second dc may as well just go for it now and look forward to having a bit of a freedom in your late forties while you're still young enough to enjoy it and do anything you want to do.

If there's a specific place you really want to go to then by all means maybe see if you can plan that in within the next few months and then start trying after that, but if its just vague "I'd like to" with no real plan, I'd just go for it.

I was in your exact position this time last year, my daughter was about to turn 3, everyone around me was having 2-3 year gaps and I just wasn't ready. Mentally, or physically, the thought of another pregnancy filled me with absolute dread. I was envious whenever someone else announced a 2nd pregnancy but I realised pretty quickly I was jealous of them for wanting that, not just actually doing it, you know?

A year on, I've had a really successful year for myself. I'm finally a healthy weight, am feeling good mentally and have earned a promotion at work. We've done some really lovely trips and holidays. Now, I feel like I'd love another baby and my daughter is almost 4. I've fretted over age gaps but honestly my sister and I are the magic 2.5 years apart and we've never gotten along or played nicely together. I always got along so well with my younger half brother (7 years between us) and still do now. My best friend has 6 years between her and her sister and they are far closer than me and mine. Same for my mum and her eldest sister. So if it does happen for us I'm trying not to think too deeply into age gaps as a small gap isn't a guarantee of a good relationship. And 5 years is nothing once they are adults anyway.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

Yes obviously if she only wants one child that's great. I got the impression from the OP she really does want 2 though.

Lol I am a twin and always wanted twins so they could play together!

I wouldn't want too big a gap. My first DD was 2yrs 8mths when DS was born, with a loss in between. I found out today I'm pregnant again (we've been trying), the gap between DS and baby will be 3 yrs 2mths, which is probably what he needs as he's a mama's boy. I like having the smaller gaps, they play together and are proper company.

I'd go for it asap. Life doesn't wait for anyone.

It really shouldn't matter what your friends think it's your decision and your life ways to how you make it work..our youngest 3 are 10months apart and tbh We've still travelled, I've just finished studying and done a degree I've always wanted, we start doing more travelling next month. If you want it to work you can and tbh during our first travel period with 3 under 3 I still loved it all the experiences just different to doing it singular

You don’t necessarily have years left of fertility. It starts to decline after 30.

I have a 16 month age gap and whilst it’s hard at times (eldest just turned 2) I am so grateful that they will soon be able to play together and also just to get rid of the baby stuff. Already they overlap on some toys. Also, I did it on purpose but did feel like after putting weight on during the first pregnancy it was a bit bad for me that way - and whilst the second pregnancy was brutal actually in an underlying basis I randomly lost 15kg for various reasons during it so ended up healthier afterwards anyway.

Just wait a year or so and spend this year working out and travelling and decluttering and having a general glow up