Morbid subject sorry and it's long!
How do I start preparing and protecting myself for my mothers death? I need to protect my own MH and sobriety.
It is a long story I'll try give the highlights. I am in therapy and finally starting to see her addiction was not my fault and how she has treated me I owe her very little. I have posted on here before so if it seems familiar it was me!
I was born. At 6 weeks she gave me to her parents and stayed living in a city 300 miles away. 1yr she took me back. 2.5yrs sent me back to grandparents. My dad left for good. Nice parents but also drank too much but still not too bad, although the raising of the younger sibling was left to the older ones. I have aunts who are very close in age to me so I grew up confused about who my parents/ siblings were. I'd be a part of thr family but not a full part. (Asked to step out of pics etc). I was bullied about no parents wanting me in school.
Mum would visit 2/3 times a year. I was always so happy to see her. But immediately counting down to when she would leave again as I was worried about it. She would say can't you just enjoy that I am here, it was expensive to come visit you, and look what I have brought you. I would visit her for a few weeks in summer. She lived with a man.
Moved to them age 12. She drank and got drunk every night. He drank too much too. She drank alone, he drank alone. I eat alone. Then was used as a go between. She started giving me alcohol aged 13. He criticised my looks, weight (you're not really going to eat all that are you), starting taking me to pubs when I was 15 and was sort of proud when men would try chat me up and say 'the could never afford me' or don't try drink with her you won't keep up, I used to be proud of that, now I'm ashamed. Or he would call me a little slut if I did have a boyfriend.
There was a lot of control, some S.A. ,emotion abuse, some physical, neglect. My mother also knew how to pull on my heart strings and still does. She would say, why did I let her drink so much. why did I let her eat so much, I need to help her start her diet so that she loses weight. I did used to try and stop her but it didn't work. It was my fault things were the way they were. If I had not been born her life would have been better, she would have had a real family etc. I didn't know it wasn't normal for your mum to be so drunk she sometimes pisses herself and fell asleep on a chair in the kitchen
I started going to night clubs aged 14ish and meeting older men. Which lead to further things I now know were abuse. E.g. sex with men in their 30s.
She is living alone now. I visit when I can but I live a few hours away and have 2 young children. She has serious health issues from alcohol. She had severe acute pancreatitis resulting in diabetes. She spent 3 weeks in ICU still drank after. Now is developing Parkinson disease .
She won't stop. But I worked so so hard for my sobriety. I have been working on it 6 years. Sober for most of it but some short slips. I was down with her a few days ago. I knew she had been drinking a lot. My aunt confirmed it. I could also smell it the second I walked into her house. Her hands were shaking violently. I got her a dr appointment that day. He gave her antibiotics and said she had a high temp. She didn't say anything about having been black out drunk 2 nights prior.
I feel such guilt and shame that I am not doing more. Over the years at different point I've run myself down trying to get her to see but she won't.
I started counselling last year and it has started to change my outlook but its still so hard not to see my mothers well being as my responsibility.
She is 59. I think she will be lucky to be here next year.
Am I very callous to even be thinking about what I need to do?
I am in therapy I have been since last November I would love to find a group of people who had a similar experience in life