Dh- is this truly autism he cant change or a scapegoat not to?

[Jessicoolaa]

My husband recently has had a diagnosis of autism and ocd, he says he is burnt out from work and stress, which I can understand, but his behaviour at home is getting unbearable, and I would like to know if this is due to his diagnosis or him just being difficult.
He is critical of me - i can't win, im either too messy or when I clean things ie. Clothes washing, i haven't done it right, like ive intentionally not washed his stuff, or not hung it up straight away, or if ive tidied ive moved his stuff then he cant find it, because its been sat there for so long and ive got fed up looking at it. He makes jokes that im lazy, that i don't do anything all day (we have a 1, 5 and 7 year old) while he works 5 days per week. Ive told him i dont like it but he keeps doing it. I have adhd so it is a big trigger for me. I do work 3 days a week as well.
Irritated by others making noises - twirling hair, clicking nails, me singing, tells me not to,
If im too over the top or seem happy he is very critical and seems like im getting the third degree and suspecting im drunk because im a recovering alcoholic, says im being too much
He constantly puts me down, and if I've spent ages doing something like a hobby or cooking, the height of his praise is oh yeah, well done
He is putting so much investment into his diagnoses, buying things like meta glasses and new headphones, Loops, books etc. And keeps saying i need to change how i act and make allowances for him, but when I needed help as ive struggled with depression and anxiety, he didnt make the effort to read anything as he is dyslexic. I get that hes trying to come to terms with his diagnosis but its like everything is about it, and nobody else's needs matter. Its just very draining, im Constantly walking on eggshells and the atmosphere in the house is so depressing.
Makes me afraid to be myself because of criticism and being shut down
Constantly asking me to reassure him over and over again about his worries like if he should be concerned about his car having a fault or not locked (it doesnt, and it always is)
Gets himself ready and doesnt think about others, doesnt seem to consider anyone else's feelings but hypocrite, he makes out things are for others but actually they benefit him
He can't ever blame himself for anything - its always someone else's fault
Has massive meltdowns say if his hair isn't going right, which scares the children as he throws his hairbrush or hits an object
His interactions with kids - they don't understand when he is joking, he goes from playing to angry in seconds, and finds their noise overwhelming, so storms off.
He doesnt spend time with them, or when he tries to they don't want to anymore
I feel like i am constantly going out of my way to please him and do things for him to soothe him but don't get very much in return
I give him lifts to work 1/2 times per week because he gets too stressed out leaving his car in a public car park in case someone knocks it
He doesnt seem interested in what anyone has to say, appears rude, particularly with my mum
He knows a lot of his behaviour isnt nice, but now its like hes saying a lot of it he cant change because its his autism.
Im just getting to my wits end and dont know how long i can carry on like this, its exhausting.

Presumably he wasnt like this 7 years ago?
My diagnosis is this isnt autism, its clinical arsehole.

I'd tell him to get fucked tbh.

Whether it's "his autism" or not, he doesn't get to treat you and the kids this badly.

My XH blamed depression for his abusive behaviour, and the key to me understanding that it was abuse and not depression was someone on here saying "does he just do it to you, or is he like that to everyone; you can't turn depression on and off".

So does your DH behave like this all the time, or just with you and family? And even if it is everyone, you still don't have to put up with it; autism doesn't give him a free pass to behave like an arsehole!

Do you like anything about living with him? It sounds like no.

If this is the case, don’t waste time worrying about what’s caused by autism. Redirect that energy to making a practical, financially viable plan to leave.

I’m autistic and would not be putting up with this man child for more than 5 minutes.

The only thing that was even slightly valid is the noise thing, I can get very angry with people making unnecessary noises but that’s my problem not everyone else’s so I remove myself or put some earphones in. I’d never take it out on my family.

I am autistic, I am not an arsehole. Occasionally, I do get overwhelmed and act like an arsehole. If this happens, I am embarrassed and apologise profusely.

Surely the whole point of a diagnosis as an adult is to help him understand and manage his own behaviour and not give him an excuse to lean into it?!
Edited to say - he's being an arse!

Autism isnt a excuse to be a dick. I have autism and i wouldnt put up with this shit neither do I behave like that. The only thing relatable is i dont like driving on the motorway so sometimes ill get a bus, but i dont make it other peoples issue and demand a lift.

Why did you marry him though? I don’t think it’s relevant whether he has autism. Presumably, he hasn’t changed overnight.

Plenty of autistic people aren’t abusive arsehles in their marriages.

My son is autistic, he can’t cope with noise and this will make him grumpy, he likes his routines, he often doesn’t hear me because he’s in his own thought or down a ‘rabbit hole’. He will argue with his sister lots, but will always make up with her and they have lots of fun too. He is loving and kind.

I agree with other posters,
autism has it’s quirks but being but these are not the same as character traits, and I think you are describing character traits not quirks

As someone who has recently had a late life diagnosis of Autism I find this a total embarrassment.
Of course Autism isn't an excuse for behaving like a diva and making everyone else's life miserable.
What an absolutely selfish and unbearable man you are married to OP.

I feel the same as Sparrow. Also, perhaps his diagnosis has almost become a special interest? The intensity of buying stuff, leaning into it may lessen for example. Does sound like he’s just being a knob and hiding behind his diagnosis though.

He is depressed/ burnt out and it's amplifying his autistic traits

He needs medical intervention

Honestly, does it matter? He isn't going to change, so what are you going to do about it?

He is scaring the children. This alone should be your red line, even if you won't leave for yourself, you have to do it for them.

I’m ASD and his behaviour is embarrassing & awful for you. If you didn’t have 3 such young kids I’d recommend getting the fuck away from the selfish man.
autism doesn’t give you a free pass to being an epic dick.

I agree with @Lafufufu. It’s time for him to fuck off.

It doesn't matter what the reason is, you don't have to put up with someone being horrible to you on a regular basis whether they can help it or not.

For the record though, i suspect he can help it and now has an excuse not to try. I presume he didn't act this way when you first got together? If he truly couldn't help it surely he would at least be apologising when less overwhelmed when he had acted badly, and looking for ways to minimise the impact on you.

Being autistic isn't an excuse for acting like an arsehole, and I really hate how often that link is made online.

Sorry he might be autistic but he’s also an arsehole. His diagnosis is not a get out of jail free card, it is a tool to help him manage behaviours if he wishes to do so and hopefully help him understand himself. It doesn’t give him the right to be nasty to you. My DH and DS are AuDHD and neither would dream of behaving like this on a daily basis. We all have our moments but you’re describing regular unpleasantness.

He has decided his autism is an excuse for everything and he doesn’t need to make an effort.

Living with autism is obviously not easy, but neither is ADHD, and you seem to be managing not to be an arsehole. You’re both ND so surely both equally in need of being accommodated?

Obviously you wouldn’t go out of your way to stress him out, but a diagnosis of autism doesn’t mean he gets his exact preferences in everything catered to forever. Or can be as rude as he likes. It’s a way of understanding why he feels and acts as he does, and the two of you can come up with ways of living that work for you both, or can be managed .

His difficulties are probably rooted in autism, and he’s in a situation that is amplifying them to the point where he clearly isn’t coping. A wife with ADHD and 3 young children will be creating a home environment that is extremely difficult to function in. However he choose that life and has a responsibility to find strategies/therapy/medication to make it work without causing damage to you or his children. If he can’t then he needs to live on his own, which is not fair at all on yourself or the kids but sounds like it may be better for them in the long run, if you could cope looking after them yourself (which it sounds like you’re doing anyway).

He needs medicated. He’s clearly not coping. He presumably didnt use to be like this. So something needs to change. I’d suggest meds and counselling.

I think for the kids sake if he doesn't engage with counselling and appropriately prescribed medication I’d leave him and take them with me.

I am part of a ND household this is not the ND in our home by anyone of us.

There is a version of late diagnosed ASD that for all of the world come off to the people receiving it is NPD, my own father had it. It actually doesn’t matter that it is actually ASD when you are on the receiving end of it because it is so toxic I think that is what you are getting here.

You sound incompatible and he's having a negative effect on the household, including your children.

With two ND parents, the chances of your children also being ND is elevated, and they may also be particulatly sensitive to his moods.

He's not being considerate of your (ND) needs. It can't be all one-way to supporting needs.

DS1 and DS2 clash over their sensory needs. DS2 is high energy and needs lots of stimulation and DS1(diagnosed autistic) doesn't cope with that. DS1 has the right to access quiet, calm space, DS2 needs to calm it down sometimes, but what DS1 doesn't have the right to do is continually quench DS2 because DS2 has the right to express his needs too. We can run the household to give and take compromises, but we can't allow one person's needs to stiffle everyone else. Being u18s, they're stuck with each other for many years yet!

You don't have to stay permanently in a relationship to someone who doesn't compromise and give back fairly.

It’s actually quite common for adults with late-diagnosed autism to unmask post-diagnosis and suddenly appear “more autistic” than they did beforehand - ask me how I know!

However, unmasking is not a reason to be an arsehole and being an arsehole is not a trait of autism.

I was diagnosed Audhd a few years ago and there was a long period of adjustment. I was mostly really upset, grieving the life I could have had if I’d known earlier and had any support. It also felt like no one really understood anything I was dealing with or living with 24/7 and I did behave like an absolute arsehole at times. ‘Unmasking’ is a process, and it sounds like your husband is going through this now. I can empathise with the amount of anger and resentment he probably has and felt for his whole life and now he has ‘permission’ to let it out it’s like a pinball machine, balls flying everywhere and everything they touch is a trigger. He’s processing. And he needs to. It is not ok, however, for it to affect you and the kids in this way. I left my home for a time. I was there in the day and looked after the kids and the house and I left at night. ND people need lots of time alone, and this helped. My husband was extremely supportive. One of my biggest problems was not understanding my emotions and my differences and it made me implode trying to make sense of it all and still being expected to carry on as ‘normal’ It really is a huge thing to try and get your head around. You absolutely do not need to tolerate abuse of any kind, but your husband will need to deal with all of this before he can learn how to manage it all in a way that isn’t damaging for everyone else. My best recommendation is space, for all of you. He needs time to come to terms with everything but you shouldn’t be suffering as a result. I will also
add that if you and your husband both have NDs then some if not all of your children may have them too. It is important how you both model your reactions and behaviour, as they will be soaking up everything like a sponge.

Well, you can be autistic and still be a cunt. Your husband's a cunt who is now using his diagnosis as an excuse to escalate his cuntish behaviour.

I haven't been diagnosed autistic but my adult DC has - the things that have determined their diagnosis are things I've also struggled with my entire life, from childhood through to the present - so there's a high possibility that I'm autistic too. I certainly recognise some of the reactions and behaviours described - I have often been apparently quick-tempered, grumpy, angry, over-sensitive, etc., and it was always a great frustration to me that I didn't know why. But I've found that, since my DCs diagnosis, I have a much greater understanding of the situations that are likely to cause these responses in me, and it's a great relief that I can now mitigate the meltdowns by taking appropriate action to reduce the stressors. Incidentally, I believe it's simply stress that causes these meltdowns (for me, at least); it's not that he can't get his hair to sit straight that makes him angry, it's the stress arising from the perceived consequences (most likely catastrophised): does this mean he'll need to leave later for work, drive in busier traffic, arrive later than normal, adjust his usual routine when he gets there, and a million other similar thoughts going through his head whereas, to those looking on, it just looks like he's petulant, and pissed off coz his hair won't sit straight.

It's understandable that he would obsess for a while about his diagnosis (he's autistic, after all 😆), but he needs to get a fucking grip - the diagnosis should help him understand and mitigate his responses so that they don't impact those around him quite so much (having that understanding has felt like a gift given to me, one which allows me to improve my partners life, not make it worse) but, as I said earlier, he seems to be using it to justify bad behaviour - don't put up with his shit!