Should I just be expected to let him do his own thing when we’re visiting his home country?

[tigerrrlily]

I have travelled long-haul to stay with my fiancés family. It’s a big culture difference, but I’m enjoying spending time with his family, and getting to know them all. We’re here for just over a month.

However, fiancé and I are staying in his old house which his brother now lives in. First night we got there we stayed up with him for 2 hours or so because it was the first night. We got there at 4am from airport so it was a really late night! Then it became clear that this was normal for his brother - his brother doesn’t work and will stay up until 6am everyday and get up around 5pm.

Fiancé insisted that it would be nice if I could sit with him, his brother, and his brothers two (male) friends so we could all play board games. I said I didn’t really want to because of the language barrier, being the only women etc. This was a massive issue. He said I needed to make an effort, so I did. I said I find it nice to go to sleep together at night time because it makes me feel connected and calm (this is our routine in the uk). He said he understood.

The next day we had a full day out with his family, full on socialising and busy in a HOT country, I was exhausted going back to the house. Fiancé asked if we could eat our food with his brother and his friends. I agreed to this. I said “an hour tops, I’m tired”. I sat there for 2 hours, then was saying “I’m really tired now”. Eventually he said “why don’t you go to bed and I’ll finish up the game here and then come up after you?”. He came up an hour later. It was 5am.

This caused an argument as he went back on what he said about going to bed together.

This was all brushed aside, had to sit with family all day etc. today he’s gone to play football with his old team. Match was meant to finish at 9, back at 930 he said. He was an hour and a half late and not answering my calls. I was dropped off with his family on the way to his match and they kept asking me where he was. We’ve all had to wait for him to eat and we’re all exhausted.

Am I asking too much? Is this normal? I want him to spend time with friends and family but I feel like I just get plonked with other people all the time.

Fully prepared to be told to just grin and bear it, just feels very weird and lonely

He’s on holiday seeing his family that (I’m assuming) he rarely sees. Trying to insist he goes to bed at the same time as you when that doesn’t suit him is incredibly selfish.

however, I would’ve just insisted you all ate instead of waiting for him to come back from football.
if the football match finishes at 9, add on extra time (to both sides), time to shower after, a debrief and a quick catch up with friends, returning at 11 is actually pretty reasonable !

is it somewhere you could try to make your own fun, go out and explore? You’re there for a month, make the most of it !

I can see both perspectives to be honest. I think I’d have said a week together in his home country to spend time together with his family was enough if you’re just sitting with them and don’t speak the same language. I’d have then suggested he spend a further couple of weeks out there alone if he wants to catch up with footballing friends and the like. While you’re there he should be facilitating you getting to know his family and being considerate of your needs. I can understand if he rarely sees these people though why he wants to maximise his time with them - although his brother’s nocturnal habits sound bonkers to me.

What’s he like normally?

It’s rude of him to deposit you with family then not show up again and have everyone waiting to eat. But it’s unreasonable for you to demand that he accompanies you to bed - you’re a grown woman and he doesn’t get to spent time with his brother a lot if they live in different countries so just leave them to it.

I go back to my husband's country every year (for nearly 20 years now!) and quickly worked out some tips for staying sane and saving our marriage :

• he goes for longer than me - I might stay a week, while he stays ten days or a fortnight. That was he has plenty of time to catch up with friends and family independently of me
• I do some stuff by myself, like a spa day, shopping, sitting in a cafe reading a book or going to a hotel with a pool. We can't spend all our time together, we just drive each other a bit mad after a week
• I make a real effort with the women in his family. They wouldn't be my first choice of friends, but I make the effort to spend time with them (away from him) because they matter to him and he needs some time with male friends without me.
• loosen up a bit. You can't be going to bed together very night, it won't work. You need to be flexible.

You're not being unreasonable as such, but you need to rethink things for you both to enjoy this trip.

I definetly wouldt of gone for a month. Maybe try doing your own thing aswel go explore. Also if your tired just say your going to bed you are both there for a while so plenty of time to socialise with his family.

À month is a long time. Get to know some of the women and could you learn the bare bones of the language in that time?

Going to bed with you every night is unreasonable.

Otoh this trip will probably set the tone for the rest of your trips ever.

Were you doing your big fake yawns as well when he was trying to play games and catch up with his brother?

That part alone is unreasonable

theres two things I spotted in your post.

first one is you being out of order - you don’t get to control when another adult goes to bed!! He can go when he likes!

but the second one on him. That was shit of him ti leave you alone with his family all day while he played football. What would you have preferred to do?

He lives (presumably) in your country the rest of the time and I assume it is distant (like the far east or something) to mean going for a month. Just lighten up. I know it’s hard. I am also married to a non-Brit with a burdensome family dynamic (for me), but these are his people and he loves them. He deals with your place and people the rest of the time. Lean in with some flexibility.

This is your future unless you make a stand now. Every holiday will be like this because he will want to go ‘home’ every year with his annual leave

I think you’re both in the wrong. He’s not really looking out for you and he’s just wanting to go off with his family and not care how things suit you…but you also seem a bit like hard work constantly complaining you’re tired and insisting you go to bed together on holiday. If he wants to stay up a bit later with his brothers and friends, just leave him to it. Try and relax into it as you’re there for a while, enjoy it!

I said I find it nice to go to sleep together at night time because it makes me feel connected and calm

Sorry, but this is too much. Its not his responsibility to do this all the time and it's controlling of you to try to make him.

I get you @tigerrrlily
Foreign country, language and male-dominated culture.
You are the third wheel. Your fiancé is not making an effort for you to feel comfortable. He isn't showing you the sights, his favourite places etc He wants you to hang out waiting for him and not complain about it. He is showing you who he is. He will not change. Decide now if you are at peace living with this treatment.

I dont understand why you have gone for a month.

Look, he deals with your culture the rest of the time, I think you should go easy on him

He’s cramming a year’s worth of family time into one month, it’s not easy.

You say you need to feel connected to him, but he also needs to feel connected to his family.

There needs to be a compromise, he shouldn’t neglect you and should spend time with you but you also need to make an allowance that he lives really far from his family.

Is this a South East Asian country?

My DH is from a country next to India. We go for 1-2 months holidays there due to doing long dental treatments that would cost a lot of money back home.

I've never stayed with his family. I can compromise to come but never to stay in the same house. That would just be a can of worms and potentially divorce. You have to be wary of this, especially if it's a multi generational household.

We stay in a hotel or apartment within the touristic area, in the mornings (every 2-3 days not every day) he goes to see his family for 2-3 hours alone, then comes back to pick me up at the hotel and we spend the rest of our day together. I wake up late so to doing shift work back at home, so that's what worked for us. On days that is wake up early, is just go walk alone in the touristic area by myself. I made clear from the beginning that it's my holidays too and don't want to spend them with his family. On the weekends when his sister's would be off work, we'd all go out together for day trips but I restricted him from taking me to visit relatives at their house, which makes it very uncomfortable due to language, customs, and so.

Can you move to a hotel together and then just visit his family? That way while he goes to meet his friends you are able to go out on your own.

Set clear boundaries now before you marry.

You sound a bit pathetic that you need him to go to bed with to be calm. Hes not a Teddy bear comfort blanket.

I'd let him stay up as long as he wants, I'd just go to bed when I wanted to and make nice effort with his family whilst awake. Otherwise im a ratty cow with no sleep anyway.

As far as football is concerned. Lighten up. Hes not a child that had a curfew.

Sit him down away from family and explain that you're going to bed when you want and you'd like him to show you some more touristy fun places, as this is a holiday for you too.

Agree with posters and him trying to catch up with everyone at home - exoect he misses them all. So it's not a holiday for either of you tbh.

This is his family and its important you all get on on, because you're all going to see a lot of each other. Do you speak their language and do you try?

Go to bed when you like, you don't have to go together.

It must be boring sitting around all day. - didnt either of you think of this, not even deciding what you eat? Arrange for his mum, sisters to take you out for the day to see sights. Make like a tourist. Hire a car and take yourself off. He doesn't have to go with you.

Make friends with his family. Tell them you feel isolated and miss home. Learn to cook, learn language, you'll have to force faster friendship boundaries.

A month is very long. Are you getting g married there or in the uk? Honeymoon?

If you plan kids, every summer you will spend a month at theirs probably alone with the dc. They will put up with you a f you will put up with them.

I was in a relationship with a man from
a culture like this and I would not put up with what you are putting up with. Given half a change the men will hang out together day and night and expect to be catered for by the womenfolk who are not allowed to have any opinion on what is going on. In your situation I would spend a week with him and be enthusiastic and then I would head back home early and let him have his holiday and set down structure boundaries for the next visit. I read some suggestions upthread about not staying with family, agreed times for spending with people, getting to know his female relatives etc. All good suggestions. These situations are where the patriarchal cultures become really obvious and the nicest of guys can become absolute dicks in the culture.

How do you know your cultural experience is the same as hers considering she hasn't said what country she's in.

You are being silly. You are not a child and are more than capable of going to bed on your own.

Go off on your own for 2 weeks while he catches up? It’s too long.

I am basing it on the similarity of experiences of being a woman in a culture where a woman’s feelings are not considered as being in anyway significant as the OPs fiancé is demonstrating in her posting . That is the similar cultural experience I’m talking about.

My sister married a husband from another European culture he behaved the same way too. The culture I’m speaking of is a patriarchal culture.

He's not your security blanket and I feel you're being a bit controlling with your requests.

How did you see a month trip playing out? You knew before you went about the language barrier, I think you've been a bit naive in your expectations. Either organise yourself some mini trips and get out there and see some stuff and do your own thing, or change your flights and fly home.

Staying and looking at your watch and giving him the side eye is going to work for nobody.

I thought you were going to say he was leaving you alone the whole time with lots of children to look after , but he's involving you in spending time with his family (other than the football- and I think it's normal these things go over time) he is just spending time w his family, and I don't think he has to go to bed when you do.