Should I just be expected to let him do his own thing when we’re visiting his home country?

[tigerrrlily]

I have travelled long-haul to stay with my fiancés family. It’s a big culture difference, but I’m enjoying spending time with his family, and getting to know them all. We’re here for just over a month.

However, fiancé and I are staying in his old house which his brother now lives in. First night we got there we stayed up with him for 2 hours or so because it was the first night. We got there at 4am from airport so it was a really late night! Then it became clear that this was normal for his brother - his brother doesn’t work and will stay up until 6am everyday and get up around 5pm.

Fiancé insisted that it would be nice if I could sit with him, his brother, and his brothers two (male) friends so we could all play board games. I said I didn’t really want to because of the language barrier, being the only women etc. This was a massive issue. He said I needed to make an effort, so I did. I said I find it nice to go to sleep together at night time because it makes me feel connected and calm (this is our routine in the uk). He said he understood.

The next day we had a full day out with his family, full on socialising and busy in a HOT country, I was exhausted going back to the house. Fiancé asked if we could eat our food with his brother and his friends. I agreed to this. I said “an hour tops, I’m tired”. I sat there for 2 hours, then was saying “I’m really tired now”. Eventually he said “why don’t you go to bed and I’ll finish up the game here and then come up after you?”. He came up an hour later. It was 5am.

This caused an argument as he went back on what he said about going to bed together.

This was all brushed aside, had to sit with family all day etc. today he’s gone to play football with his old team. Match was meant to finish at 9, back at 930 he said. He was an hour and a half late and not answering my calls. I was dropped off with his family on the way to his match and they kept asking me where he was. We’ve all had to wait for him to eat and we’re all exhausted.

Am I asking too much? Is this normal? I want him to spend time with friends and family but I feel like I just get plonked with other people all the time.

Fully prepared to be told to just grin and bear it, just feels very weird and lonely

Why have you decided to marry someone who you have such poor communication with, and where you have such different expectations of what to do? That's the bit that's really unreasonable and you need to think very hard about that before you trap yourself with shared children.

It's pathetic to need him there like a comfort blanket; as an adult you need to learn to self regulate. It isn't unreasonable to go to bed yourself though, nor to feel there are some activities you don't enjoy and limit time doing them. When you just aren't a good fit because your interests diverge too much, it's time to think about why you're trying to make your life so damn hard. Find someone on your wavelength and it'll be so much easier.

Tbh it does sound like you're making things a bit difficult. He's excited and doesn't get to see his friends and family much. The football thing was inconsiderate but I'd assume he just got carried away.

The bed thing sounds a little controlling. If you're tired go to sleep. If he's not and enjoying spending time with his family, he stays up.

You've got to be a bit flexible in these situations. You'll go back home after this and the normal routine will continue. It sounds like he's keen for you to be included but its just things you don't like.

Ah, let him have fun with his family and friends who he presumably doesn’t get to see that often.

Carve out things you can do for yourself - buy a book, see if there’s local markets, be proactive in things you’d like to see but do things independently of him too. It can be a bit daunting if you don’t speak the language but that’s why we have translation apps.

I think expecting him to stick to the same routine as at home is unreasonable. He’s no doubt in ‘holiday mode’ and trying to pack in as much time as he can with relatives he doesn’t see much. The best thing you can do is let him fill his boots on love, friendship and chat. In the long run, that can only be good for your relationship.

I couldn’t last a month like that. No way.

Can you afford to return home? I’d speak to him and say you think it’s best for him to continue the holiday on his own as it’s not fair on you or his family to just dump you on them like they are babysitters. The language barrier must make it so hard. Have a few days together going to bed at midnight together in the knowledge youre going after which he can see his pals or stay up all night as much as he wants.

As doesn’t see friends much so I totally understand he needs time to do that. He shouldn’t have brought you if he can’t spend time with you though.

If you can leave id use google translate to translate an explanation for his family so they don’t think you’ve taken the hump with you. He may, stupidly, blame you for wanting to go (you don’t really) so he doesn't look bad. That will backfire as you will become The Bitch Who Left As Our Home Wasn’t Good Enough For Her.

So I’d translate something like “it was lovely to meet you all. Im going to head back to the UK early so xxx has more time to see his mates and spend time with you all. Thank you for making me feel so welcome in your home”.

Don't waste time waiting around for him. Do tell him that you don't mind him socialising but that if he continues to not communicate when he's going to be late and not spend time with you this is the last of these trips you will ever be doing.

I'd let him do his thing and you do yours. Of course, the two of you should spend plenty of time with his family, but that doesn't mean you need to spend MORE time with them than he does (unless you want to) or that you should stay up when you're exhausted and know it will negatively impact you the next day. Also, try not to take responsibility for his behaviour or feel pressured to apologise or explain it away; if his mum's upset that he's late and is asking you about it, just shrug and tell her you don't know either; what time did he tell her he'd arrive?. She'll tell him when he gets there if she still has a problem.

I think neither of you thought this through when you agreed do visit for a month. He (understandably) doesn’t want to have to babysit you and you (understandably) don’t want to be dumped with people you don’t know / don’t speak your language. It’s a tricky one op. I don’t know what to advise.

This. DH is from a late night culture. We have dinner out around 10pm in summer. Maybe go out for a walk around town 1130/12pm. I used to hate that, but have since stated my boundaries, go once or twice, and learned it's ok to say 'no'. Most nights, DH and sometimes DS go out with his family for the walk, and I sit on my terrace and read.

If you're planning to have a future with him, you'll need to ease on the expectation of bedtimes. And learn the language. If you have DC, expect this to be the norm. We go for 6 weeks, and whilst I might get bored, it's really important for my DS to connect with his paternal family and improve his language. I just plan to read a lot of books!

I have this every year with my partner. We go back to his country for a few weeks in the summer, and it’s not a million miles away either. The first few years he’d go out till 4am, sleep in till 1 and not want to do anything until the night repeated itself again. For me it was supposed to be a holiday, for him it’s going home. I would be more understanding if it was the only time he saw family and friends but it’s not as they regularly come and visit too. Last year was the first year for us with our baby and I lost my calm a few times as he seemed to forget he was a parent this time and yes I had his family wanting to help but if he could go and enjoy himself why couldn’t I? We went for NYE and things were slightly better and we found some common ground with what we expected from each other. We’re off again this year and this time, I’m taking some of my family too.

Fiancé asked if we could eat our food with his brother and his friends. I agreed to this. I said “an hour tops, I’m tired”. I sat there for 2 hours, then was saying “I’m really tired now”. Eventually he said “why don’t you go to bed and I’ll finish up the game here and then come up after you?”. He came up an hour later. It was 5am.

Sorry but really unfair of you to tell him how long he can sit with his brother for! I don't understand why you didn't just eat your food and go to bed and leave him to it?! And why were you still awake at 5am anyway?!

This was all brushed aside, had to sit with family all day etc. today he’s gone to play football with his old team. Match was meant to finish at 9, back at 930 he said. He was an hour and a half late and not answering my calls.

He was an hour and a half late. Not really the end of the world. And why were you ringing him constantly?! Of course he's not answering if he's with his old mates!

I really don't understand why you are sat with his family all day every day?! Just tell them you're going out and do your own thing (shopping, go for lunch, to see a film, to a spa) and leave your fiance to it then catch up in the evening! All seems very intense....

You sound quite childish and needy.

I'd have sent you home already.

I am in a similar position. It's all about compromise. He has to realise the holiday is not your first choice of holiday and you might feel uncomfortable spending loads of time with people you don't know. It's difficult (for me) to constantly socialise with people in another culture that you wouldn't spend time with otherwise. And you have to realise that this is his only chance every year to spend time with his friends and family and while he wants you there, he doesn't want to spend time babysitting you.

It's all about compromise, like pp have said he needs to spend longer there than you and he needs to carve out some time and spend some time with just you / spend some time doing touristy things that he has done a million times before. And you need to accept you will be bored some times.

His brother sounds like a bit of a waste of space though staying up til 6am and everyone else falling in line with this to see him. I would draw the line at being expected to completely disrupt my sleep routine to visit someone who has lots of flexibility over their schedule

There was a thread on here recently with a woman in the same position with a toddler ans was basically on holiday on her own as her husband insisted on staying awake all night and sleeping all day to spend time with his family, he didn't see the toddler at all and she was basically on her own trying to entertain a toddler and keep them quiet in someone else's house. I wouldn't stand for a situation like that

The only unreasonable part of this is him expecting you to stay up until 5/6 am

Do you need him to validate all your feelings, too?