Family Finance AGAIN!

[WithManyTot]

We are married, but DP has always earned 2-3 times that I do, giving DP much more say in family finances. DP works 3 days a week and I work fultime.

A few years ago, DP spent about 100K of joint money for a pony paddock which is registered in the sole name of DP. I always assume we would even this out over time. I've also remembered that before that DP took about 100K from the joint account and bought a share of their professional pratice building, presumably in DPs sole name.

Two years ago DPs parents died leaving DP as the sole beneficiary of about 1/2 million in property. I've spent every weekend for the last 6 months working on these houses to "maximise value" DP did very little actual work as i was "too emotional" to be in the house until it was finished. It now turns out DPs parents left the houses in trust, with only DP as beneficiary. So all the income goes to the trust, and DP and only DP can take loans against from the trust. Also our jpint account is being used to pay council tax, water etc,

Over the years I paid everything I could to pay off the mortgage, while it appears DP has accumulated a 1M pension fund, with no surviving spouse provision.

The final straw is that DP just took 25K from joint saving to buy a car, promising to repay it from the trust, which I now understand can't happen ( see above)

I always trusted DP, but DP appears to have put close on 2 milion out of my reach and it is impossible to return it, so AIBU to think I've been taken for a mug?

Hes using you.

Good grief...that's bad. And not a partnership.

I'd be livid with him!

You say you are married so surely the paddock and the car and his pension would be half yours if you divorced?

Sorry just realised you said you are married. In which case money is joint, so the pony padlock being in DHs name doesn’t mean anything.

Maybe those, but not the Trust fund. Its the setup you use to protect children from losing 1/2 of every thing after a young "starter marriage", just MIL set it up after we'd been married 30 years and told nobody..

I don't think she can access anything thats been placed in a trust - married or not.

Honestly Id very discreetly speak to a solicitor. Im not saying divorce him but I am saying find out how vulnerable you are. If you wanted to be pragmatic - you might get more from a divorce than a death...

If I were you id also be discreetly moving some money myself...

It could be manipulative... it could be entitled and didnt think.. it could be he thinks hes the "leader" and hes deciding for you both... none of thats great but id be finding out where I stood before deciding what to do

I assumed DP could leave anything in their own name to "the cats home" in their will if they wished, so short of divorce there's not much that can be done

If he can access it id be wanting him to replace that £25k car

Why would his pension have no surviving spouse benefits? That seems very unusual.

Why is he not protecting you? Do you actually get on?

When I read the statement that's what I read, I assume it could be changed, for a lower rate of pension if requested.

In all honesty, you've been a doormat and this is all on you. What is the point of being married to someone who earns 2-3 times than you meanwhile you struggle? He deceives you and plans not to share anything with you.

Especially with this point: "Over the years I paid everything I could to pay off the mortgage" and "DP has always earned 2-3 times that I do, giving DP much more say in family finances".

You are married. You're meant to share everything. Of course he will work only 3 days a week, with that amount of money in the trust.

Put up with it or leave. He won't change.

I wouldn't be doing up any more of his houses for a start.

You've been married 3 decades, yet he can't bare to share money with you? He probably spoke about you being a "gold digger" to his mother that's why she set up everything like that in trusts. He doesn't value you.

What’s his take on all this? Does he think it’s fair?

do you have visibility of his finances?

why have you been paying off the mortgage while he accumulates wealth?

but DP has always earned 2-3 times that I do, giving DP much more say in family finances. This isn’t a given: DH has out earned me by 100% at times, but family money had always been completely shared, discussed openly, jointly deciding what to do with it. Why did you agree to this?

It’s irrelevant if it’s in his name if you’re married re: the paddock. It’s shitty that he did it without your say, I guess it really depends on income level though.

Buying into his company with joint money seems fair enough given the joint account benefits from his salary though.

It sounds like you don’t particularly like this guy.

Ar whojr initials ATM op?. He thinks he can fleece you doesn't he? Marital assets aren't just 1 person's...

Not sure why you’ve made such effort to disguise the respective sex of the partners here. Unless there’s some sort of homophobia from MIL at play?

DP is clearly very unreasonable (regardless of sex). Squirrelling as much money as possible away for themselves, leaving you to contribute to joint assets, and taking those assets for themselves where they can. And using you as free labour on their properties. All whilst earning 2-3 times what you do!

I’m not sure i could get past any of this.

Edit - does “DP” do lots of childcare or something in their two days off work?

It is fascinating how ingrained it is in posters here to think posts are written from a female perspective.

He doesn't fleece her. He earns 3 times more and apparently believes its his to decide what to do with. His family aren't helping that either

So shall she divorce him.

I would be interested in what conversations you have had about this with him? Have you asked him about it? Have you asked how you will be looked after in the event of him dying? Have you asked at what stage you could drop to 3 days a week too so you can spend time together etc

He thinks putting things in his name only =his only.
That's trying to fleece op.

Yup I totally fell for this one. I mean it is called Mumsnet and I feel men should always start their posts with ‘posting as a man’ but I appreciate when others point it out for sure. And wonder why anyone would try because it does always come out eventually.

They could easily be two women though.

Or two men!