Family Finance AGAIN!

[WithManyTot]

We are married, but DP has always earned 2-3 times that I do, giving DP much more say in family finances. DP works 3 days a week and I work fultime.

A few years ago, DP spent about 100K of joint money for a pony paddock which is registered in the sole name of DP. I always assume we would even this out over time. I've also remembered that before that DP took about 100K from the joint account and bought a share of their professional pratice building, presumably in DPs sole name.

Two years ago DPs parents died leaving DP as the sole beneficiary of about 1/2 million in property. I've spent every weekend for the last 6 months working on these houses to "maximise value" DP did very little actual work as i was "too emotional" to be in the house until it was finished. It now turns out DPs parents left the houses in trust, with only DP as beneficiary. So all the income goes to the trust, and DP and only DP can take loans against from the trust. Also our jpint account is being used to pay council tax, water etc,

Over the years I paid everything I could to pay off the mortgage, while it appears DP has accumulated a 1M pension fund, with no surviving spouse provision.

The final straw is that DP just took 25K from joint saving to buy a car, promising to repay it from the trust, which I now understand can't happen ( see above)

I always trusted DP, but DP appears to have put close on 2 milion out of my reach and it is impossible to return it, so AIBU to think I've been taken for a mug?

If the DP is female and/or they have children they could be trying to ensure much of their inherited and earned wealth is protected for those children. Generally, MN would support that?

I see so many threads where the answer is different depending on if it opens with he or she. In the case of a married family with children I don't think the inclusion or omission of a singe letter (s) should make a difference to the discussion.

I was after some perspective, which seems to be, you are married so you have equal right to it. It doesn't feel like that, but thanks to all for the advice

I would move £100k from the joint savings if you have it into a sole account in your name

certainly I would take £25k and moving forward every time he takes something I would do the same

@WithManyTot What were you doing when he was spending 10s if £1,000 on all sorts without agreement?
And why were you paying for all and sundry when you earn so much less, while he's fattening his pension and investments?
Why were you more invested in the property he inherited than he was, knowing he hasn't had your interest at heart, ever?
Why is the trust the thing you're focused on, when things have been so imbalanced for so long?

I don’t think posters are qualified to comment re the trust - you need legal advice re that.

The thing is, it’s often really relevant what sex the people involved are - so tricking people isn’t getting a neutral answer, it can be getting a misleading answer.

If the DP is trying to keep property safe for children - perhaps children of a previous marriage - that might affect some things here but the taking from the joint pot but not giving in proportion to their income sounds pretty unreasonable.

Are you going to tell us the sexes now?

See a solicitor in secret

A man could be doing exactly the same though

We probably need to understand a bit more about this pension. Has he already bought an annuity (regular income for life) with his 1 mill pot or does he have 1 mill sat invested somewhere.
If you are isolated from the assets due to trusts and pension set up, I'd suggest that whole of life cover is purchased on your husband's life. It isnt cheap but will guarantee you a lump sum on his death. Maybe speak to a financial adviser as a couple. Not anyone at St James Place (SJP) as they are the rip off merchants of the industry.

.. because I though we were a team, and that in the long run it would even out,, now it appears we are way past that, and the trust ( which we only just found out about in the last few months) makes it almost impossible

Yes. But they might not get so much support here.

I'd go and see a solicitor in secret to find out where you sound legally. Are their other assets that you aren't aware of? If you both have access to joint money the same way hw can remove 100k so can you. Maybe you need to divide the savings so he can't unilaterally blow £100k on shit.

Regarding the pension, if it’s just a general statement, it could be showing what the pot could buy if a generic annuity (income for life) were purchased (the provider may not include a spouse as standard).

If it is a pension pot that goes up and down in value and hasn’t been used to buy an annuity, who receives the pot is likely to come down to who he has nominated as beneficiary, and even then the provider may have discretion.

No one can categorically say without knowing all the details.

Does he have a financial adviser? I’d want to be involved in any meetings (all couples should be aware of/have an understanding of what is going on with the family finances if possible) or if it’s too late for that.. time to speak to a solicitor?

“giving DP much more say in family finances”

This isn’t marriage. He doesn’t get a bigger vote because he makes more money.

If there is a trust set up by a relative, it’s possible you don’t have access or control over that account. Sometimes relatives do isolate money this way. My parents have a trust that goes to my child, not my husband, in the event of my death. He is perfectly aware of this setup and we have arranged our finances accordingly. I have no control over that situation.

Your earnings are legally family money, whether he wants to believe that or not.

You need to look into the implications of the trust, we ( me and siblings) have a house in trust and any debts of the property are “trust expenses” and therefore have to be met by the trust not the individual.
I also do not understand why the trust cannot repay the car debt as it is for your DP’s benefit

You can also revoke a trust, you may have to ask a court but it can be as simple as all the beneficiaries (just your DP) agree
speak to someone who specialises in trusts and estate planning

I don't think the inclusion or omission of a singe letter (s) should make a difference to the discussion.

it’s call the patriarchy and it is a real thing. As a man you will have benefitted from it your entire life. you cant just choose to use it / ignore it as and when it suits you

DP has always earned 2-3 times that I do, giving DP much more say in family finance This was the first thing that stood out for me in your OP. Just because they are earning more does not give them the right to more say. As others have said, you have been a doormat. You have allowed your spouse to treat you like crap and do what they want for too long.

I was just about to comment on similar vein. I know MN is primarily female but OP very carefully did not mention 'him'.

That's because male entitlement is ingrained in our society 🤷‍♂️

For some reason, I'm thinking both the OP and the DP are women, not that it should matter.

But it is interesting how the thread is being derailed by sex based assumptions, ie the DP is a financially abusive man, the OP is a man who unreasonably feels hard done by due to not having an equal share of the DPs wealth, or that the DP is a financially savvy woman rightly looking after her and her DCs interests ahead of a grabby and entitled man.

You need to bill the trust/estate for all the time you worked on the inherited house.

You need legal advice and make a claim for your time.
You are being exploited.
Start sorting it out and stop being so passive.

If he can take a loan from the trust then he can pay back the money for the car

You need good legal advice - see a solicitor @WithManyTot

Dont share any money with him in the meantime.. what kind of marriage is this?! I wonder what the point of it is really- you’re not a team; it doesn’t seem he trusts you.. his mother also doesn’t see you as family really.

I think see a solicitor, take as much info with you as you can. Don’t tell him you’re going.
make some choices after getting legal advice. If you don’t want to end the marriage; you need to go back to him with a concrete idea of what equality looks like for you and say that’s what you’ll accept going forward.

lots of luck xx

I agree you could consider billing the trust for work completed but again - take legal advice! X