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AIBU?

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Original poster

To avoid my niece

29 replies

Moonlitflitter · 28/07/2025 16:39

It's a long one sorry
I recently went on a UK cottage holiday with my two sisters their partners my niece (14) and my two children.
"DH" was supposed to come with us too but since booking we have separated.
I have two young children and only decided to go last minute because I was assured of help with them and they didn't mind etc
My oldest boy is copying everything at the moment and DN kept putting her middle finger up at him and teaching him swear words
My youngest is still in a bassinet and my DN took him for a walk while I was doing bedtime with the older one.
When I came back from bedtime baby was screaming his head off niece was marching back down the driveway jolting the pram and then pushed the pram at me telling me to fuck off with my screaming kids.
I calmed baby down and then went to check she was ok and if she wanted to talk about it.
I asked her not to swear/show him the middle finger and she told me she would do what she liked as it was her holiday and I shouldn't be there.
Overnight I packed up our stuff and left with the children at first light.
I told my sisters & their partners of my plan to leave and left before everyone woke the next morning.
Since everyone has been back my sister has asked me to look after DN overnight a few times or to come here for coffee and I've said no for my children's safety.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/07/2025 16:43

That sounds extremely stressful and you’re right to step back. You’re the one with a small baby, another child and a recent separation. Your sister is taking the piss asking for childcare when you’ve got so much going on. She should be offering to help you though given the behaviour of your niece you’d be wise to decline even if she did. What’s she said when you’ve said you won’t have her DD?

GarlicMetre · 28/07/2025 16:43

It isn't obvious that you told your sisters why you chose to leave the holiday early. If you didn't, I'm afraid you have to now. It might not go well, but you'll be causing problems down the line if you keep fudging it.

Marylou2 · 28/07/2025 16:44

Definitely not being unreasonable. Your DN sounds ghastly. Well done for putting your DC first. Does your sister realise how dreadful her DDs behaviour is? No excuses at 14.

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 28/07/2025 16:44

Avoid your niece- or anyone you want, it's fine.
14yr olds don't need babysat anyway.

Original poster
Moonlitflitter · 28/07/2025 16:49

I don't know how to reply individually sorry
@AnneLovesGilbert I think my sister thinks she's offering an olive branch and just accepts a no
@GarlicMetre I told them the reasons for leaving before I left
@Marylou2 I think she knows how bad her behaviour is but buries her head in the sand about it

OP posts:
caramac04 · 28/07/2025 16:52

Wow at 14 that behaviour is awful! Xxx

Dheops · 28/07/2025 16:56

Bit dramatic to cite your children's "safety".

Absolutely fine to say no to having her for a while but remember teenagers grow up. She won't always be like this. Most of us end up far better human beings than our 14 year old versions, and we rely on the adults in our lives sticking around while we go through that horrible stage. Ask a group of teachers, a lot will tell you Y9 is among the toughest age but those same students are a delight by the time they hit sixth form.

user1492757084 · 28/07/2025 16:56

Respond by telling them you'll visit once the DN is civilised and well mannered - even if that means waiting years...

Murdoch1949 · 28/07/2025 17:15

Your niece's behaviour was appalling and her parents should have taken her to task, in front of you, about her actions. She did put your baby's safety at risk, so you were totally right to remove yourself from the holiday. I would not let the girl back in my home for years, and would not take my children anywhere near her until she is an adult. Why your sister would consider it okay for you to have her daughter overnight is beyond me.

Catsandcannedbeans · 28/07/2025 17:32

The teaching him to swear is bad, but not uncommon. I remember my cousins teaching me bad words when I was little and thinking it was the funniest thing ever. Hopefully your DC won’t latch onto it too much though.

However… the thing with the baby?? No way, I’d have absolutely bollocked my DN if she’d acted like that, then got her mum and dad to bollock her as well. I wouldn’t be having her again till I got a proper apology form her, and not a half arsed one - a real one. She is a teenager, and she will grow out of it, but that doesn’t make her behaviour okay.

I hope you’re alright, sounds like what was supposed to be a nice holiday turned into a stress fest.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 28/07/2025 17:41

So…quick question who promised you help with your kids and was the niece’s help promised by someone else?

mbosnz · 28/07/2025 17:48

I was the one whose help was always proffered (for free, natch) for my nephews and nieces - the only time I ever acted out was when I was 9 and he was 2, and I left him at the park, just up the road from home. Okay, in fairness, that was bad.

Did they learn not to dump their kids on me? Did they buggery! But aside from that one time, I never, ever, took it out on the kids. A 14 year old should not have behaved in such a way with impunity.

deeahgwitch · 28/07/2025 17:53

Marylou2 · 28/07/2025 16:44

Definitely not being unreasonable. Your DN sounds ghastly. Well done for putting your DC first. Does your sister realise how dreadful her DDs behaviour is? No excuses at 14.

This 💯

Original poster
Moonlitflitter · 28/07/2025 17:53

@saltinesandcoffeecups my sisters offered help in the group chat set.
My niece was never asked to take baby/toddler.

OP posts:
Steelworks · 28/07/2025 17:54

Marylou2 · 28/07/2025 16:44

Definitely not being unreasonable. Your DN sounds ghastly. Well done for putting your DC first. Does your sister realise how dreadful her DDs behaviour is? No excuses at 14.

This (and double points for using the word ‘ghastly’ , very Enid Blyton).

bellocchild · 28/07/2025 18:03

Dheops is right. Even the worst offenders are usually fine by the time they reach VI form. Sit it out!

Ilikemymenlikeilikemycoffee · 28/07/2025 18:07

If you knew she behaved that way, why leave her alone with your child?!

upandleftthenright · 28/07/2025 18:09

I was with you until you said about your children’s safety. Your niece isn’t a danger to your children, in fact she doesn’t want anything to do with them! Are you perhaps displacing feelings over the break up here?

youalright · 28/07/2025 18:10

Does her mum and dad not tell her of for her disgusting language.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 28/07/2025 18:19

Moonlitflitter · 28/07/2025 17:53

@saltinesandcoffeecups my sisters offered help in the group chat set.
My niece was never asked to take baby/toddler.

Thanks for the additional info. I would be a little surprised if it was your niece’s idea to help with baby. Most 14 year olds aren’t super keen on being an unpaid babysitter. (For sure, some are but not the vast majority)

So I was wondering if someone (parents or aunties) set her up.

outerspacepotato · 28/07/2025 18:21

The baby was screaming. She was intentionally acting in a way that scared a little baby and made the baby uncomfortable. She was the one who wanted to walk the baby.

She's deliberately teaching your older kid things she shouldn't be. She wants him to get caught being rude and get him in trouble.

She owes you a big apology and no to having her in your home and around your kids until she grows up a lot. She acts out and that's not a good thing around a baby and kid.

Offcom · 28/07/2025 18:29

Scary behaviour (I mean, duh, obviously, she wanted to scare you). Did you previously have a good relationship with your niece?

Original poster
Moonlitflitter · 28/07/2025 18:34

@Offcom yeah we used to be really close
She would come and stay overnight/weekends all the time and then decided she was too grown up for that

OP posts:
freerangethighs · 28/07/2025 18:45

14yos can be arseholes, but it's not OK for them to go on being with impunity. Did either of the nieces' parents apologise to you or express regret about the behaviour when you told them? I think it would be fairly standard for them to impose some kind of consequences on the niece, including expecting her to apologise directly to you.

Teaching inappropriate gestures/words and jolting the pram could be ignorant rather than malicious (if she's not used to being around younger children) and should be stopped but perhaps not punished. And if she was expected to take care of the children rather than her having volunteered, that's a problem and I can understand her frustration

BUT these things are unacceptable in any context and yes, I would not agree to have her visit until you're assured that she understands why these things are wrong and has agreed that she will not do them again:

telling me to fuck off with my screaming kids.

she told me she would do what she liked as it was her holiday and I shouldn't be there.

Deadringer · 28/07/2025 18:59

Well your dn is a twat, but lots of 14 year olds are twats, and it sounds like her parents roped her into 'helping' with your dc. Your sister should have sorted her out and made her apologise, but she also appears to be a twat, expecting you to look after her dd after her poor behaviour on the holiday. I know this is a difficult time for you but i think you are ridiculous talking about your dc not being safe with dn, and talking about leaving at 'first light' all sounds very dramatic.