If you have an international relationship…

[FionaOccupier]

Do you always go together to visit the overseas family?

I always have done previously but now, six years in, I really can’t be bothered. I don’t speak the language fluently (DP has no interest in helping me to learn), the family are lovely but busy living their lives, the location is beautiful but very rural and I’ve done everything worth doing, and DP’s focused on catching up with his friends and family. It feels like I spend 90% of my annual leave nodding and smiling.

AIBU to skip it next time?

I should probably add that we’ve already been twice this year and will be back for Christmas. But DP wants to go again next month and I am strongly considering pulling out.

It is important for the children to see their grandparents and other culture, but we take literally no holidays elsewhere or as a nuclear family.

Do your children speak the language? Even if your partner doesn’t help you learn I still think it’s important to try. I don’t think you should be spending all your annual leave visiting family though.

I'd say 1 trip a year is plenty

Gosh once or twice a year is plenty, if he wants to go again he can on his own or with the kids.

Yes though 7 years and 1 DS later and a whole load of reasons to be thoroughly sick of it we've negotiated...

1 annual trip where DH & DS go for the whole or most of the summer (age dependent) which I join for 2-3 weeks. First and last day is spent with PILs and then we're straight off to the coast to have our own family holiday

This is very long haul mind

Hi. I emigrated to the uk, 29 years ago. Married and my husband is British. No obligation on him coming with me every time I go to visit my family. He does some times but no always. We live near London and my in laws used to live in Scotland. I didn’t travel with him every time that he visited either.
I would not be happy with always travelling to visit his family. If this had been the case, I would have broken up with him as this would have told me that as far as he is concerned my feelings don’t count.

I speak enough of the language to get by, as do the older children. DP basically refuses to make any plans for us as a unit and will drop everything and go if he hears his second cousin’s old next door neighbour’s dog fancies a drink, which makes managing the children’s expectations, or making any plans, incredibly hard. There are often random people around who I’ve never met. I do like his family and friends but I find it all pretty exhausting.

DP has a genuinely great time and is happy to spend every minute of his annual leave there.

No. My husband is Dutch and he goes to see his family much more often than I do. His mother is 90, so in the last few years he has popped over about every 3 months, but only for a few days at a time. Sometimes one or other of our young adult children go with him. I only go every two years.

When the children were younger he went a bit less frequently and I went a bit more frequently. He didn't often go by himself, but would quite often take the children for a few days during half term as I couldn't take holiday then.

None of us spent longer than a few days there ever, but it isn't very far.

For those whose partners travel separately, what do you do?

I’m thinking of staying home with the baby. I could go on holiday with her but it feels a bit bleak?

I feel quite sad about it but our priorities are completely different. He’s there to see his friends and family and I’m there hoping to spend some holiday time as a family. It’s so mismatched that it often ends in frustration.

When we first met I loved going to rural Scandinavia, it was such a contrast to London. I wanted to get to know all about him, his family, where he grew up. After the kids, when we were dragging twins on two flights plus an hour and half car ride I felt less happy. His parents (both deceased) never once came to visit us, despite retiring early, good health and way more money than us once I was on maternity leave. I did start to feel resentful.

Like you, I struggled with the language and the local dialect. I could get by in shops and probably an emergency but no way could I keep up with his mum telling him all about local farmer's feud with the man from Council. It's the table chats with a lil the relatives for 10 minutes, all snorting with laughter and someone throws you a bone 'we're talking about Anders new dog'.

Once the children were old enough to take direction ( 5/6) my DH would do a longer journey in the summer. The kids loved it, barely wore shoes for the whole time they were there. I would still visit on the shorter trips but summer when DH began helping his Dad around the house - I didn't need (or want) to be there. Both sides made the right noises 'oh wish you here/ I was there' but I think it was a relief for all. I gave work, my parents and a reason (excuse).

This is VERY familiar.

Even if I was entirely fluent, I couldn’t keep track in conversations which are often based around generations of memories, in-jokes and shared culture.

Can I ask what you did with your annual leave without your husband?

No, I don't go every time. Sometimes, DH goes on his own, sometimes we all go but he stays longer etc.

His work is very flexible so sometimes he has stayed over there for extended periods, while dd and I have just carried on at home. On one occasion, dd and I went on our own holiday to a different country while he was over there, but we usually all try to go away together if we can.

When his mum was alive, we all tried to go to his home country at least once a year, but we all go less since she passed away. DH doesn't enjoy it as much now in any case.

I'm very fond of his family and I have made the effort to learn the language/understand the culture etc, so that does help when we're there. However, I also want time for us to go on holiday as a family and to visit different places/countries, so we always ensure that we prioritise that as well.

DH worked as a lecturer so got a long summer holiday. He would go for at around 3/4 weeks. I would Facetime. I would spend a week at my parents. Go away for a weekend with my SIL and Sister to a European destination and I would carry on with work as I got 4 weeks. When DH returned we would have a cheapy beach holiday, although they are not so cheaply anymore.

Of course, I would miss them and they would miss me but we would chat on the phone and Facetime. It did us all good. It was never about not DH spending time with his family or the kids with their grandparents - they are great people who worship their grandchildren but I just felt a bit like a spare part there. I seemed to be in the way and verbally and physically which sounds odd when I have just said they were so great but I suspect you will know what I mean by that.

Yes I understand completely. It’s a shame because I had grand hopes of making friends there and integrating but it’s very hard.

Unfortunately DP has limited holiday (I am the one that can be flexible and WFH) so I am not sure where that leaves us. I’d like at least one or two weeks of actual holiday together per year.

We live in my partner's country. Over the years we have done different things as our situation has changed. Initially we would go to the UK but move around visiting my friends from Uni who he had aleady met and also visit interesting places. When the kids were small we would go two or three times as a family.... then Ryanair started flying from our local airport so I would go for a long weekend or a week on my own in addition to two family trips.... but we would also take family holidays elsewhere in his home country and elsewhere in Europe. Now we're down to one or two annual trips together to the UK but family holidays in other places. The now adult kids occasionally go on their own to see their UK grandparents or cousins.
However, I would never go off with my mates and abandon him to his own devices in the UK, which is the equivalent of what your DP seems to be doing to you..... there would have been no point in him coming with me if I'd been going to do that, so I'm not surprised that you've had enough. On the one occasion he left me at home with the kids in the school holidays to do charity work abroad I booked the kids and myself into a nice hotel on a Mediterranean island for ten days. If this is not your thing, maybe you could go on some sort of course or summer school for something you enjoy - my sister goes on girls' sports-themed trips to sunny places abroad.......
You never know, if he realizes you're off doing something interesting without him he might come to the conclusion that he'd actually rather be with you than with his mates.

I do use some of my AL to go but never all like I have done

Now my DF isn't well so dependent on how he's doing I take time off to stay at his without DH or DS.

The rest of my AL I use on extended Christmas, Easter and long weekends with DH & DS. We usually do home exchanges

Yes we always go together (to my family abroad), but we only once to twice a year!

Its completely understandable that you don't want to spend every single holiday with your in laws... In the UK or abroad !

I wouldn't mind my husband not joining as long as he helps me out with the logistics (e.g. prepping, pick/drop off to the airport.)

DH and I come from different countries/continents( neither is British) and we do not speak each others lanuages.

His family is in EU not far from the uk, mine is 5000 miles away. We decided before moving to the uk that we will use the big holiday for my family becuase its a long trip and other small holidays for his family.

We usually go in summer to see my family and he does spend 3-4 weeks on average with them. We either all go together or sometimes he comes back a few weeks earlier due to work/annual leave.

I have also taken the kids to see my family without him but usually its because he couldnt take time off not because he doesnt want to go.

For example this year we are all going to my parents for one month in Aug. Last year we went together in July, he came back after 4 weeks and I stayed with kids until school starts in Sep.

The difference is that I plan my holiday as a family unit and spend a lot of time catching up with my parents and other family members. DH is always involved even though I have to translate most of the time. My parents are also very helpful, they would be happily looking after our DCs and let us have some days/nights out just two of us. Last year we organised a road trip with a few of my cousins and their families while we were there and I would never have left him on his own. This is the same when I visit his family in EU, we are always together.

OP I think your problem isnt about international or not, but it seems your DH puts himself first and doesnt vaule family time (with you) when visiting his home country. I can understand how you feel and you are not unreasonable for not wanting to go.

Yes I agree - it’s a DP problem primarily.

I’ve been very clear that I’m not having a good time on past trips, and he understands why and is apologetic. I think he just gets so carried away with thinking that it’s his only opportunity to see whoever that they take priority in the moment.

I think I’m done with it though. I’m done with spending all of my annual leave with my (lovely) in-laws and assorted strangers, being bored, in familiar surroundings. I’ll go once or twice a year from now on.

Could you live in his country for a while? It might help even things up and scratch his itch to be catching up with people there??

I’ve started sending DP on their own at least once a year, frees up some of my time, is cheaper, they get to spend more time just with their family.
My family are closer in another country and DP has always come 50% of the time when I/kids go.
it’s a nice balance. It sounds spoiled but it does get a bit samey going to the same place year in year out when it’s not your family/ home country/town.

I have introduced a new rule that we go and visit dh's family we split tye time with wider family then go just us to another part of the country to have a holiday. It works quite well!

We do a combination. Side trips are a thing. So say your DH’s family live in Latvia. You all go to Latvia, then some of you do a weekend in Estonia, or Lithuania. Breaks up the time.

I also just don’t go sometimes.

No, he doesn't always come with me. In fact, rarely does. Gets along with my family just fine, but my parents also live rurally, not too much to do there. And I prefer it this way - if DH comes, I feel we need to do stuff and go places. If I go with just DC, we can simply hang with family and I can see old friends.