Match her energy or keep being me?

[Travelfairy]

Could post an essay but wont 😂

Short version, lifelong friend went cool with me a few weeks ago. Insisting all fine but she's clearly pissed at me about something or else something major going on in the background that she doesn't feel she can tell me. Usually she would but always a first time so I'm trying to be very fair. She lives a distance away so our friendship is largely messaging/calls.

I have kept being friendly but cut down contact a little as maybe she needs headspace. She will reply to me but its as if her personality has changed ie wont reply to anything I have said but just talks about herself and doesn't leave conversation open if you get me.

Like for eg today I asked how her week had been and made reference to a couple of things she had said she was doing. She replied about herself but never replied ir acknowledged some quite significant news i told her about my own family. Just ignored it.

She isn't usually like this! I dont know if something is going on or maybe meno symptoms? Honestly its like a personality change.

Anyway
YABU - maybe something going on in the background, keep being your friendly self!

YANBU- what if something going on in background for you, she doesn't care, match her energy and cut contact for a while, stop running after her

I always vote for continuing to be myself just because I feel like I am who I am and if I change who I am and how I behave because of another person then I'm letting them control me.

Have you asked her?

“Hey, I sense a shift in our messages - is everything ok? You know we can talk about anything, please let me know if you’re upset about something or something else tricky is going on.’

Ask her.

About 4 times, it's actually embarrassing at this point. Just no all is good replies. Clearly isn't but she wont say and I dont want to push it any further . .

In that case, I’d give her space. You don’t need to match her energy in terms of being off, but maybe she needs a bit of space and doesn’t know how to ask. I’d leave it for a while and see if she checks in. She might just be feeling overwhelmed and isn’t able to express it well. Sorry it’s happening though

Keep being you ... for now 🙂

Keep being you but give her LOTS of space - I’d totally step back from this one now tbh

Similar happened to me with a friend recently. I knew something was up. I asked her and a feee times she brushed it off saying she was just busy at work / tired etc. It turned out she’d had a health scare that she wasn’t coping well with and couldn’t / wouldn’t talk about it until she’d processed everything herself. She did open up in the end.
I’d say keep being you but not pushy or overbearing. Give her a bit of space - she clearly needs it - but don’t disappear. If there is something goes on, she’ll appreciate you being quietly there for her as normal until she’s ready to talk about it.

Match her energy.

She is enjoying you metaphorically running around after her. Stop feeding her ego.

If you do eventually get it out of her, it will be a ridiculous reason she is using as an excuse to punish you.

Just stop messaging her.

Back off from her. That’s still being you but you’re not chasing after her.

Give her space to miss you.

I’m not sure what you mean by keep being you in this context. Your friendship has changed, the dynamics have shifted you have the choice to accept that or not accept that but it doesn’t change the situation.

For whatever her reason she has changed the dynamic of the relationship on her side either because of a life circumstance getting in the way or because for some reason her feelings have changed. If she refuses to tell you what is going on it is hard to accurately say which one but I’d suspect her feelings have changed because good friends can tell each other about difficult life circumstances can’t they?

Thanks for all the replies!

Yes I think i will do as you all suggested and just stop messaging her for a while and see. I have done that already but only for a week or so at a time. I might leave it for a few weeks and see what happens. Its hurtful tbh

Yes and in the past she would have told me everything, health concerns, family stuff but maybe this is something more sensitive or maybe she doesn't like me any more 😢 there has bern no argument and I'm not aware that I have offended her in any way.

My friend who doesn't know her that well suggested it could be jealousy over one of 2 things. I am currently a SAHM (temporarily taking a career break) which is something she wanted to do. Also our daughters are same age and and do same extra curricular activity. My daughter has recently advanced in it. It has no bearing on her daughter, they would never compete against each other as different parts of the country but my friend was saying maybe she's jealous - I really dont know! Wouldn't be something I would even think of but if MN taught me anything is that people can get jealous/competitive over the most trivial things!!

It does ring true a little as during the week I posted on SM photo of my daughter with her friends doing the activity. Not a braggy post at all just that the girls had fun doing what they love. She never liked/commented etc and when i text her the following day I briefly mentioned thr busy day before and she replied but completely ignored that part of message.

I really dont know but I care about her alot and I wish she would just say if I have offended her inadvertently or if something going on even if she doesn't want to say what. I am a good loyal friend and as she said herself the most 'thoughtful' friend she has. I would do anything for her. I'm always encouraging of her children and their talents ...

I'll kept you posted 🙂

I’d say it likely is jealousy.

And then once she realises in a few months that you’ve stopped mollycoddling here, she’ll come back with a sob story about how insensitive you were. This will be to get you back in line and start messaging her again and letting her talk about herself only.

Don’t fall for it when it happens.

Yes hurtful I guess just give her space leave it up to her.. hard when you dont know why. Or I say catch up soon leave it up to her then

Given that this is so completely different from your friendship so far I’d guess something going on in her life that she doesn’t feel able to share with you, so nothing about you. An example I can think of is that she could have discovered her partner has cheated. If she wants to save the relationship it’s usually best to not tell anyone as it’s harder to move on when people on the outside are still judging. Not saying it is that, just that there are things in life that you don’t share with even your closest friends Hopefully if that is the case she’s anonymously on mumsnet getting support from strangers instead. I’d give her a bit of space, but not back off completely. If she’s still replying that suggests it’s not you that’s the problem.

That is a possibility and really it doesn’t matter what the feeling is that has changed as you can see her feelings are not your responsibility and say if you are correct there is nothing you should be doing differently in that circumstance. Unless she is willing to discuss things this is her issue and as you say it utterly sucks and hurts but there is nothing really much you can do about it.

You’re coming across as rather suffocating. And someone who thinks a valued, lifelong friend has ‘gone cool’ because she envies you being a SAHM, or your daughter is doing better at gymnastics or whatever than hers, doesn’t sound like much of a friend. Maybe it’s nothing whatsoever to do with you, and she’s simply not ready to talk about it.

And, for future reference, the idea that SAHPs of either sex are routinely envied is delusional.

It sounds like she may simply find you annoying. Too much messaging maybe? (for her; I am not saying you are annoying as a person, so please don't take offence). You said you are going to give her space, so see how that goes so to answer your question, yes do match her energy.

I didnt say I think that. It was an idea put forward by a friend. Like I am asking here for advice I had mentioned it to her to see what she thought. I actually hadn't considered that until she said it, then it got me thinking.
You are right, alot of people wouldn't envy a SAHP but in this instance she does. She has a very good job which I wouldn't leave if I were her but she has said on several occasions she wishes she could be at home full time so in this specific instance it is plausible that it is potentially something she is envious of. Its just a theory!

I would say we message the same amount so I dont think its that tbh but in any case I am going to take a step back and see how that goes...tbh she is not treating me very nicely despite me bring kind to her so I think for my own sake I need a bit of a break from trying to work out whats going on...

That's a really good point. She could well have discovered something like that and wouldnt share so absolutely thats a possibility..
One of her parents isn't too well (not life threatening) but she shares details of that with me regularly so I am thinking some relationship difficulties or maybe new health issue herself

Absolutely nothing you have said suggests she is ‘not treating you very nicely’, though.

Of course she isn’t treating OP nicely. She is showing zero interest in OP, never gets in touch and yet drones about herself when OP gets in touch.

That is not the behaviour of a friend.

The friendship is currently completely one-sided. OP shared important news that the friend totally ignored. That's "not treating you very nicely" in my book. You are coming across as determined to make OP the bad guy in your posts on this thread. Are you projecting perhaps?