Match her energy or keep being me?

[Travelfairy]

Could post an essay but wont 😂

Short version, lifelong friend went cool with me a few weeks ago. Insisting all fine but she's clearly pissed at me about something or else something major going on in the background that she doesn't feel she can tell me. Usually she would but always a first time so I'm trying to be very fair. She lives a distance away so our friendship is largely messaging/calls.

I have kept being friendly but cut down contact a little as maybe she needs headspace. She will reply to me but its as if her personality has changed ie wont reply to anything I have said but just talks about herself and doesn't leave conversation open if you get me.

Like for eg today I asked how her week had been and made reference to a couple of things she had said she was doing. She replied about herself but never replied ir acknowledged some quite significant news i told her about my own family. Just ignored it.

She isn't usually like this! I dont know if something is going on or maybe meno symptoms? Honestly its like a personality change.

Anyway
YABU - maybe something going on in the background, keep being your friendly self!

YANBU- what if something going on in background for you, she doesn't care, match her energy and cut contact for a while, stop running after her

Be you but give her space.

Give her the space she craves.
Match her energy.

She clearly doesn’t want to ask you about yourself for whatever reason. That’s not very nice for you.
I would step back and focus your energies elsewhere. Don’t message. If she messages, be brief, breezy and mildly friendly but don’t go into much detail about yourself.

Get off sm then you won't have to worry about likes and comments and needing validation.
Maybe actually call and speak voice to voice instead of messages that can be ignored or misconstrued.

For heaven’s sake, if she’s dealing with something serious in her own life that she’s not ready or able to talk about, of course she’s not going to be unduly concerned with whatever that OP might mean by ‘quite significant news about my own family’, especially if that’s ’My cousin is having a baby.’

That's just an assumption, the friend has said she is not dealing with anything.

And even so, she still finds the energy to drone on about her own life and yet asks OP nothing about hers.

We only know what the OP has told us about herself, and her friend. She says it’s a ‘lifelong’ friend, someone she presumably loves and values. Yet, after a few weeks of responses in which the friend seems less interested in the minutiae of the OP’s life, the OP is huffy, starting a thread on the internet, and appearing to credit the opinion of a person who doesn’t know the OP’s friend that it’s because the friend is jealous the OP is a SAHP or that the OP’s daughter is doing better in a shared hobby.

That suggests to me that the OP is either not a very nice person, or that this is one of those Mn ‘friendships’ where not much liking is involved. A better friend would be concerned something was up but respect the other person’s desire not to talk about something.

One of my closest friends (also living at a considerable distance, so a similar relationship based mostly on texts and phone calls) went quiet a couple of months ago, cancelled a trip on which we were going to meet at short notice, and missed my birthday. I suspected something was up, but rather than starting internet threads to complain, or suspecting she was ‘jealous’ of some aspect of my life, I waited, texted occasionally, making it clear I was there but didn’t require a reply.

Only a couple of weeks ago she finally called me to say her DH has an aggressive cancer, and she didn’t feel able to tell me before they’d told their children, and they’d postponed telling them because one was doing his finals and the other A-levels. That’s what you do when you value someone’s friendship. You don’t invent imaginary reasons they’re texting differently, or get offended on the internet.

Take a step back leave it up to her now...

I agree with this poster. Why do you think I am the bad person here? Isn't MN for navigating tricky situations. No the news wasn't 'my cousin is having a baby'. I wouldn't consider that significant news. I have a huge extended family. Someone is always having a baby 😂

I was in a situation with a family member who also went quiet like this and similar to you she had cancer and didn't want to worry us. I wish she had so we could have supported her. She died last year. With this fresh in my mind I have been worrying something very wrong. However my friend pointed out she could be envious or maybe not. Her behaviour has changed. I hope I get to the bottom of it soon. Yes I do ring but she has 3 young kids so its often easier to msg/send voice notes. I also have 2 young children.
Sometimes people just change/drift. That could also be the case.

Thanks to everyone for the helpful posts, I think the overwhelming advice seems to be to just leave her off for the moment and see what if anything happens....

OP if you write a post about your friend going distant you WILL be told you’re needy, it’s your fault, all you do is speak about your kids, you must be boring etc - honestly!

My opinion is if she has only been distant for a few weeks then she is most likely going through a tough time or insanely busy and just doesn’t want to talk about it. I’d like to think I’m a good friend but there has been periods where I have definitely ignored friends texts or skim read their messages and not replied. Then once I’m feeling in a better place, I then go back to being a better friend.

Youre not unreasonable to be upset she didn’t respond about your big news, but if this isn’t usual for your friend I’d give her the benefit on the doubt and a bit of grace this time :)

I would personally give her space, leave it for a few weeks and message her again at the end of august x

Also I know it’s tempting to keep offering yourself as a listening ear but if you have said “I’m here if you want to talk” twice, you don’t need to say it again x

Yes, I think I need to just stop messaging. If something bad going on I hope shes OK. If she's just being like this because shes in a mood about something then I'm very disappointed in her behaviour. I'll leave it a while and see what happens. Thanks for reply

But is there a situation that possibly would have upset her between you? I think unless something happened you are probably worrying too much, I’m sure you’ve done nothing wrong, I know what it’s like to have anxiety but I’m sure she is just busy or going through something!

Nothing that I am aware of. Absolutely nothing!

I know though in the past with another group of friends she has she was upset with them over something I felt was quite trivial but I dont know the group other than pleasantries at the odd party/occasion. She never confronted them. Gave them the cold shoulder for months, never addressed it and just got back friends with them. She does have form forbthis behaviour but not usually with me 🤷‍♀️

Well then at least you know if she does end up doing this with you then she’s not worth your time!

This sheds a very different light on things. You have seen her behave like this before, just not with you. I’m now more inclined to think there could be a passive aggressive element to this. The trouble is, if she won’t tell you there’s really nothing you can do.

Starting to see that! Why is it so difficult to find decent friends!?

Just thought I'd update this...things going pretty much the same...a couple of weeks ago and was very transparent, asked directly have I done anything even unknowingly please tell me so I can put it right. Was very vulnerable with her.
She once again said nothing is wrong. It clearly is. I know her so long, I just know.
Anyway I pulled right back, she has text twice in about 2 months. I think friendship will eventually just fizzle out completely. Its sad but thats how it goes sometimes I guess 😔

Oh that’s a shame. She’s clearly not telling you something. I expect you’ll never know, so you’ll never get closure, which sucks but there’s nothing you can do about it. You know she has form for giving people the cold shoulder with not explanation, so now she’s done it to you too.

thanks for the update OP you dud right fir being transparent - it’s brave - I’ve done it - but now you can close the chapter as you’ve done all you can ❤️

Thanks so much, thats a good point. At least I dont need to waste my time and can put energy into other friendships & relationships

Was she the first to text those two times? Did she show any interest in you?

It sounds like she doesn’t like you pulling back and trying to reel you back in.

Yes she did actually initiate both times, to comment on things she had seen me post on SM
. I was friendly and polite and replied but didn't get into a big chat either.

I am basically keeping her at arms length, will initiate contact on things like birthdays etc but as my SIL says my energy is too expensive to waste it on chasing after people who are not overly bothered about me