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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help me get out of a family meeting

35 replies

coffeegirl73 · 27/07/2025 17:57

So I fell out with my sister and family about 10
yeara ago and have limited contact wit my parents and one sister but don’t talk to other sister. Now this “other” one wants the 3 siblings to meet up and discuss the “future” specifically what would happen to my dad if my mother died first. I really don’t want to meet her. One because I dont like or get on with her and two because I think it’s a bit disrespectful for us to meet and talk about my parents behind their back like that when entire of them have dementia and are very independent? I think the conversation should be with my dad and mum. At the end of the day we can’t force them to do anything and besides which they are both pretty stable and healthy at the moment. Who knows what will happen or which of them wjll go first/ I don’t know if speculating is very useful: what would you all do: I feel if I say no to the meeting I’ll be dubbed the “awkward” one again - as per usual really as that sums up my family’s view of me

OP posts:
SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 27/07/2025 17:58

Reply 'no thanks!' ?
If your relatives already think you're 'awkward', will them thinking it again matter much? How would you find out their opinions?

There aren't many people on earth whose opinions I value, so anyone's thoughts about me are their problem to deal with. Makes life very peaceful.

BeeCucumber · 27/07/2025 17:59

Just say no. Be awkward. Why do you care what they think?

Sweatybettyinthisheat · 27/07/2025 18:01

I presume the meeting is to discuss their expectation of you stepping up to care for the DPs or help pay for care. Under current circumstances just nope.

Original poster
coffeegirl73 · 27/07/2025 18:02

Yeh you’re right 🤣am falling into the trap again I need to remember I don’t care what they all think that’s why I cut them out of my life in the end I couldn’t cope

OP posts:
AbzMoz · 27/07/2025 18:03

Maybe start by asking your parents if they have arrangements in place such as POA/wills/other ways of expressing their preferences. Once you know that then you might agree as siblings what the practical plan looks like, maybe with an independent mediator / solicitor?

Original poster
coffeegirl73 · 27/07/2025 18:04

What shall I say: “other” sister has messaged twice now saying she doesn’t want to push it (!) but thinks we need to meet up to discuss everything. She will come somewhere near to me

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 27/07/2025 18:05

If you think the conversation should be with your mum and dad included then say so and go from there? (Although not sure how it would work if you don't speak to one of your parents).

londongirl12 · 27/07/2025 18:06

God, what a dreadful conversation to be having, and especially as they’re not ill or anything yet! Just say no thank you and don’t think any more of it.

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 27/07/2025 18:06

Tell her she's free to meet your parents to find out their plans, wherever she wants, and to please stop pestering you?

Original poster
coffeegirl73 · 27/07/2025 18:07

Yeh they have done their POA and my mother has made a notebook with passwords in it . My sister wants to talk about putting my father in a home if my mother dies first. I think it’s way too premature to discuss that as they are both active and independent at the moment?

OP posts:
Original poster
coffeegirl73 · 27/07/2025 18:09

londongirl12 · 27/07/2025 18:06

God, what a dreadful conversation to be having, and especially as they’re not ill or anything yet! Just say no thank you and don’t think any more of it.

I know and her text came out of the blue I literally have not had a conversation with her for at least 10’yearw apart from the odd happy Xmas or birthday txt

OP posts:
anyzee · 27/07/2025 18:12

Who has POA?

londongirl12 · 27/07/2025 18:12

coffeegirl73 · 27/07/2025 18:07

Yeh they have done their POA and my mother has made a notebook with passwords in it . My sister wants to talk about putting my father in a home if my mother dies first. I think it’s way too premature to discuss that as they are both active and independent at the moment?

Yes it’s bizarre. He might be perfectly fine in his own home!

BlueRin5eBrigade · 27/07/2025 18:13

You can't put your dad in a home. If he has capacity he gets to choose what happens to him. If he doesn't have capacity then that needs to be proven by an assessment.

Tell your sister that your not interested in discussing it with them. You are however happy to discuss your parents wishes with your parents and will follow the accordingly.

Laura95167 · 27/07/2025 18:20

I think you need a long term view. As they get older your parents will need care, there will be costs involved, someone or all of you may need power of attorney.

And tbh i can understand an initial discussion without them first to basically say - this is the level of support I could bring...

If you want NC and are settling for LC I might not go. But expect to be excluded for wills, decisions, and plans. If you want that, thats OK

But if you will feel hurt and ignored and excluded id be taking the offer of involvement now even if it is awkward. Maybe table including the parents jn future chats.

But if you really dont want to. No is a full sentance

BlueRin5eBrigade · 27/07/2025 18:20

My nan asked to go into a home. She had dementia. However she had the capacity to decide where she lived and was able to come and go as she chose. The home was unable to stop her leaving or to restrain her. She kept on leaving and getting into dangerous situations. It took ages for the assesment to take place and for her liberties to be restricted. In the meantime she had air tag in her coat and shoes. That was all well and good if she actually put them on when she went walk about. Eventually. She was deemed to not have capacity and was put into a more secure unit as agreed with socal services. It really isn't that easy to put someone in a home. It also costs a fortune. My nans home is 3k a week.

AbzMoz · 27/07/2025 18:21

I don’t think it is premature tbh
If it’s so all siblings are clear that parents have health and financial POAs, they mean this, consequences are that, then cool. but if this is about forming a bloc to go and harass parents into changing their documents etc then it’s a different matter.

So I would go, meet at coffee shop or pub, and ask more questions than supply info. Dont commit to anything on the day - everything can be researched more and anything would need your parents input.

the alternative is they proceed with their decisions and later say ‘OP was invited but didnt participate - you don’t get a voice now’. That might be ok with you given the estrangement or it might not…

harriethoyle · 27/07/2025 18:23

coffeegirl73 · 27/07/2025 18:09

I know and her text came out of the blue I literally have not had a conversation with her for at least 10’yearw apart from the odd happy Xmas or birthday txt

Show quote history

I think she’s using the theoretical death and infirmity of your parents to reel you back in @coffeegirl73 . I’d just decline and not engage if I were you.

KnewYearKnewMe · 27/07/2025 18:26

If you parents are fit and healthy, this is not a conversation to be having behind their backs, especially if there is estrangement with your sister already.

if you have a strong relationship with your parents, I would alert them to the request and ask they are involved or express their thoughts about it.

BronwenFrideswide · 27/07/2025 18:33

coffeegirl73 · 27/07/2025 18:07

Yeh they have done their POA and my mother has made a notebook with passwords in it . My sister wants to talk about putting my father in a home if my mother dies first. I think it’s way too premature to discuss that as they are both active and independent at the moment?

And what would your father want?

I see the benefit of talking about what would happen in the future with your parents and have some rough ideas but your parents need to be part of that discussion too, their wishes count too.

Larooba · 27/07/2025 18:34

You say you have limited contact with your parents so do you really know the day to day situation with them? Do either of the other two sisters have a better idea?

I know you are saying they are in good health but that can change in a heartbeat. It is best to agree on everything before you actually need to implement anything otherwise you will be potentially arguing and scrambling to deal with it all whilst it is happening which just adds to the stress. In our family we have experienced both expected deaths, knew they were dying and absolutely out the blue you couldn't have seen it coming. No time to discuss their wishes if they die unexpectedly if you haven't already had the discussion.

Maybe suggest a full family meeting with your parents included. This could end up with you saying no to the nursing home but your two sisters out vote you. If I were you I would want to get my feelings across. Plus this brings up things like selling the house to fund the care home or potentially renting it out.

WTF987 · 27/07/2025 19:03

"I think it's wholly inappropriate to have a meeting like this that excludes parents, and I want no part in it"

Who cares what they think, you're not in contact with them so it's everyone else that would have to put up with the whinging not you

HisNibs · 27/07/2025 19:08

There's no point in any conversation without the parents present anyway. An LPA does not remove their right to self-determination unless either loses capacity, which has to be assessed and ruled on by a court. Whilst the parents retain capacity, they can overrule any decisions made on their behalf. In OPs situation, my reply would be "no thanks, there really isn't any point without their input"

Zempy · 27/07/2025 19:33

Just say no thanks and ignore her.

Zanzara · 27/07/2025 19:46

I'm going to say something different here. In your place I would go along and just hear what she has to say. Better to know what she is planning than not. You don't have to engage if you don't want to, but once you've heard her out you can decide what to do. If she's planning something iffy, you can intervene if appropriate, or pass the knowledge forward. Be wary.