Help me get out of a family meeting

[coffeegirl73]

So I fell out with my sister and family about 10
yeara ago and have limited contact wit my parents and one sister but don’t talk to other sister. Now this “other” one wants the 3 siblings to meet up and discuss the “future” specifically what would happen to my dad if my mother died first. I really don’t want to meet her. One because I dont like or get on with her and two because I think it’s a bit disrespectful for us to meet and talk about my parents behind their back like that when entire of them have dementia and are very independent? I think the conversation should be with my dad and mum. At the end of the day we can’t force them to do anything and besides which they are both pretty stable and healthy at the moment. Who knows what will happen or which of them wjll go first/ I don’t know if speculating is very useful: what would you all do: I feel if I say no to the meeting I’ll be dubbed the “awkward” one again - as per usual really as that sums up my family’s view of me

I'm also wondering maybe someone has had a health scare and that's why they want to reel you in and co-opt your support. Tbh I think it's rude of them to have this conversation re caring roles (a) you're LC anyway (b) your DPs aren't involved in the discussion!
Hold fast OP!

"Hi Dsis, I don't know if you're aware, but you can't actually "put" an adult anywhere against their will if they have capacity. Same goes for selling their property to pay for it. But you / we have POA, so if it becomes necessary to activate it, things can be discussed then. Bye now".

When you say they've done POA, do you know who is named on it?

So I replied on the chat and said I don’t feel comfortable with meeting to discuss putting my dad in a home and that they were managing well at the moment . “Other “ sister promptly left the chat🤣Sister I’m in a small bit of contact was trying to be diplomatic and say she would meet but wasn’t sure if it would “do any good”. So “other” sister obvs pissed at me but I don’t care as it means she won’t talk to me which is a relief actually. Really don’t want to get drawn back into her drama

If LC how do you know they are managing?
Are you relying solely on the sister you are LC with to keep you updated?
Are you actually in the loop/speak with your parents?
Who has POA, the one you are NC with?
Is your mum your dad's carer atm?
Are either ill or showing signs of dementia?

If you are LC/NC, not your circus, not your monkeys.
You must have thought about this already, pending age.
How much you want to be told?
Whether you will attend funerals?

If it is out the blue then either

1. Something/someone is ill and you do not know the extent
2. Your two siblings are currently doing a lot of care or expect to, and resent you for being out of the equation entirely
3. Your NC sister is making an excuse to see you (but unlikely after a decade, surely?)

As long as you neither expect inheritance nor the right to complain about being excluded from future planning then you are right to keep out of it. If you feel you have anything to do with decision-making then this was your time.

The one who is neutral/LC, trying to be diplomatic, being drawn into mediation, is the one I feel sorriest for. Not a flying monkey per se, but presumably used for info now and then or trying to appease all.
Who went NC/LC with who and why?
It's a tough thing to do and if implemented by you, presumably deemed black sheep/awkward one, then you had your reasons.

Being pulled back into the dynamic/dysfunction/power play makes no sense for your own mental health, if you have had to withdraw. I guess your other sister wanted contact of some sort/wanted to see where the land lay. Now they know.

She's clearly using your parents as an excuse to reel you back in she definitely has an underhanded reason

I think their request is reasonable. They probably are just anxious about what will happen when things get hard.

I think you can tell them "I want limited contact: I'm happy for you two to make those decisions, and I have no interest in any kind of legacy/benefit when parents die."

Then they know your position and they can crack on.

I would be messaging back "happy to chat with mum and dad about what they want for themselves in the future. Let me know when we are all meeting to discuss it with them". Copy mum and dad in to the message.

I would just say to her that any conversation regarding your parents should be in their company!

" nothing about me, without me "

Communicate this to your sister and request that she stops messaging you unless the above criteria are met.

Does your sister realise that "putting someone in a home" would cost upwards of £1,000 per WEEK and that would come out of any inheritance she wanted for herself?

How old are your parents? Unless one of the sisters knows something you don't about your parents health, it's very odd! There's a reason they both want you involved in this chat, they just haven't told you yet.