Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

More of a wwyd. Friendship issue

30 replies

TigressIamnot · 27/07/2025 17:40

I have a DD who is 16. She had a boyfriend for over a year. they are part of a wider closenit friendship group. All attend the same special school as all have learning difficulties/ASD/ADHD. Boyfriend decided he is in love with a different girl and broke up. All fine with me. DD is incredibly upset though. Main issue is, DD (and the other kids) are functioning at a level where they cannot leave the house alone. So their main mode if communication is WhatsApp etc. The ex blocked DD (fine, his choice) but he instructed all the other friends to remove DD from various WhatsApp groups and won't let the other to add DD back on. He can be quite dominant and is the only male in the group. When friends add her back to any of the groups, she is removed instantly by ex again. So DD didn't only lose the boyfriend, but the whole friendship group alongside as she be being sidelined. it's incredibly difficult for her. Under normal circumstances, I would run it via their school as the safeguarding lead is really on the ball but it's another 5 weeks until they go back. DD is just so upset. she cannot leave the house on her own and meet friends due to level of functioning. we are really stuck. Any ideas apart from the obvious of being there for her and being reassuring and trying to distract her as much as possible? It's heartbreaking to see.

OP posts:
DoneitagainhaventI · 27/07/2025 17:56

This is really quite distressing.
If your DD is not capable of leaving the house by herself I don't understand how she is capable of having the level of interaction necessary to have a boyfriend without there being coercion or manipulation. How has this been allowed to happen?

Fluffyholeysocks · 27/07/2025 17:58

Can your DD start her own WhatsApp group with her friends but omit him?

Original poster
TigressIamnot · 27/07/2025 17:58

DoneitagainhaventI · 27/07/2025 17:56

This is really quite distressing.
If your DD is not capable of leaving the house by herself I don't understand how she is capable of having the level of interaction necessary to have a boyfriend without there being coercion or manipulation. How has this been allowed to happen?

It's a 'boyfriend'. They only see each other in school. It's not a boyfriend in the same way a typical teen would have one.

OP posts:
Calamitousness · 27/07/2025 17:59

I’d contact his parents. Either go round or phone. I would hope they’d be open to helping him understand that is not acceptable behaviour and help him with his feelings to use better strategies for coping with your daughter engaging with her friends and him indirectly through their chat group.

GrumpyExpat · 27/07/2025 18:00

My daughter has a similar friendship group but within that there are pairings etc and people spend time 1:1 and also as a group. Can she not text individual friends in the group to initiate hanging out or just chatting? This guy sounds awful, what a bully.

Original poster
TigressIamnot · 27/07/2025 18:00

Calamitousness · 27/07/2025 17:59

I’d contact his parents. Either go round or phone. I would hope they’d be open to helping him understand that is not acceptable behaviour and help him with his feelings to use better strategies for coping with your daughter engaging with her friends and him indirectly through their chat group.

parents blocked me on the phone. They are odd and not very mature. I suspect the boys issues are genetic (I don't mean this as a dog, it's just an observation). It's not people you could talk to normally.

OP posts:
Original poster
TigressIamnot · 27/07/2025 18:01

GrumpyExpat · 27/07/2025 18:00

My daughter has a similar friendship group but within that there are pairings etc and people spend time 1:1 and also as a group. Can she not text individual friends in the group to initiate hanging out or just chatting? This guy sounds awful, what a bully.

she does that but most of the interaction takes place in the group and has been for a while.

OP posts:
romdowa · 27/07/2025 18:04

Would the other kids not be in a separate group with your daughter and without him ?

DoneitagainhaventI · 27/07/2025 18:05

TigressIamnot · 27/07/2025 17:58

It's a 'boyfriend'. They only see each other in school. It's not a boyfriend in the same way a typical teen would have one.

Show quote history

But if they are in a special school is there not protection in place to stop those such as your dd being abused?
I don't understand how this boyfriend has been allowed to assume a position of manipulating everyone else if this a special school where there are so many potentially vulnerable people.

Original poster
TigressIamnot · 27/07/2025 18:08

romdowa · 27/07/2025 18:04

Would the other kids not be in a separate group with your daughter and without him ?

They are reluctant. They won't really say why but one indicated that the ex is instructing them to minimise contact. it's difficult to really get to the bottom due to the nature of their SN. And as it's a special school, I don't know most parents (kids are all on school transport from all over the LA. They are not local like in mainstream).

OP posts:
CarterBeatsTheDevil · 27/07/2025 18:09

DoneitagainhaventI · 27/07/2025 18:05

But if they are in a special school is there not protection in place to stop those such as your dd being abused?
I don't understand how this boyfriend has been allowed to assume a position of manipulating everyone else if this a special school where there are so many potentially vulnerable people.

Show quote history

I have to admit this was my first thought. But in the meantime, is there any prospect of getting parents of other girls to set up a separate WhatsApp with some of them and your daughter? Maybe with a parent as the admin so this boy can't manipulate any of the members into adding him or giving him admin status to remove participants?

Original poster
TigressIamnot · 27/07/2025 18:09

DoneitagainhaventI · 27/07/2025 18:05

But if they are in a special school is there not protection in place to stop those such as your dd being abused?
I don't understand how this boyfriend has been allowed to assume a position of manipulating everyone else if this a special school where there are so many potentially vulnerable people.

Show quote history

school is ace and the safeguarding lead would be on it straight away. Always very proactive when there were issues in the past. But it's the Summer hols.

Ex boyfriend was always rather sweet. I just don't recognise this side of him and we are a bit blind sighted. definitely not what I would have ever expected.

OP posts:
TwoBlueFish · 27/07/2025 18:10

I would get her to create her own WhatsApp group with the friends. Do you know any of the parent of the others in the group? Maybe arrange a 1:1 or small group outing.

its very tricky at this age where they want to do the norm of have bf/gf but aren’t really ready for some of the issues that go alongside it (I also have a child with LD who attended a special school).

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 27/07/2025 18:11

TigressIamnot · 27/07/2025 18:09

school is ace and the safeguarding lead would be on it straight away. Always very proactive when there were issues in the past. But it's the Summer hols.

Ex boyfriend was always rather sweet. I just don't recognise this side of him and we are a bit blind sighted. definitely not what I would have ever expected.

Edited
Show quote history

I would try the school anyway, OP, just on the off chance. It is a learning need for all of them - he needs to learn that he cannot do this and they need to be supported to resist. I assume they are all socially vulnerable and that's part of the curriculum they're getting?

Original poster
TigressIamnot · 27/07/2025 18:12

TwoBlueFish · 27/07/2025 18:10

I would get her to create her own WhatsApp group with the friends. Do you know any of the parent of the others in the group? Maybe arrange a 1:1 or small group outing.

its very tricky at this age where they want to do the norm of have bf/gf but aren’t really ready for some of the issues that go alongside it (I also have a child with LD who attended a special school).

I will try that. One of the friends doesn't live too far away. Will see if I can sort something in real life.

OP posts:
AbzMoz · 27/07/2025 18:12

How upsetting for DD.

Could you ask one of the other children or DD to set up a new WhatsApp group and not let the bf be the admin so he cannot remove her? Is there an inperson meet up planned where one of the other kids might make clear to the bf that everyone is welcome inperson as much as in their WhatsApp groups? is DD friends with the new girl, who can perhaps say ‘DD is cool, I don’t have an issue with her so no need for you bf to take sides or push her out?’

I assume that your DD isn’t making remarks or statements to the bf (and vice versa) that would give cause to remove from the group (just checking!)

Original poster
TigressIamnot · 27/07/2025 18:15

AbzMoz · 27/07/2025 18:12

How upsetting for DD.

Could you ask one of the other children or DD to set up a new WhatsApp group and not let the bf be the admin so he cannot remove her? Is there an inperson meet up planned where one of the other kids might make clear to the bf that everyone is welcome inperson as much as in their WhatsApp groups? is DD friends with the new girl, who can perhaps say ‘DD is cool, I don’t have an issue with her so no need for you bf to take sides or push her out?’

I assume that your DD isn’t making remarks or statements to the bf (and vice versa) that would give cause to remove from the group (just checking!)

Good idea about setting up a group where he doesn't have admin rights. Will see if I can get her to do that. and no, she isn't saying anything to him (he blocked her on all channels in any case) but she knows she must give him space.

OP posts:
Bobbybobbins · 27/07/2025 18:15

I would email the safeguarding lead. Ours has just sent me an update on one of my form group so I would imagine she will check her messages at some point.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 27/07/2025 18:17

Bobbybobbins · 27/07/2025 18:15

I would email the safeguarding lead. Ours has just sent me an update on one of my form group so I would imagine she will check her messages at some point.

That's what I was thinking. Mainstream schools shut down for the holiday but I would expect a special school to be keeping an eye on admissions and safeguarding stuff.

ramonaquimby · 27/07/2025 18:18

DoneitagainhaventI · 27/07/2025 18:05

But if they are in a special school is there not protection in place to stop those such as your dd being abused?
I don't understand how this boyfriend has been allowed to assume a position of manipulating everyone else if this a special school where there are so many potentially vulnerable people.

Show quote history

I'm a teacher in a SEND school. Lots of our students have 'girlfriends' and 'boyfriends'. This might mean they sit beside each other in the college mini bus, or play with them during breaks, or give them a colouring sheet that they have made.
The school (despite lots of lessons about using a mobile phone sensibly esp when sending messages) can't police what's app groups between students. This is really down to parents.

I'd contact some of the parents of the girls in the group and organise some outings that way. Parents are often unaware of any school relationships and also of any group chats.
Untangling group messages between our students takes up so much of our time, if only parents were policing what their kids were writing to each other!!

ramonaquimby · 27/07/2025 18:20

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 27/07/2025 18:17

That's what I was thinking. Mainstream schools shut down for the holiday but I would expect a special school to be keeping an eye on admissions and safeguarding stuff.

Show quote history

SEND schools have also shut down, and no, the safeguarding lead(s) won't be in school keeping an eye on things unless it's a known safeguarding concern. This sounds as if it's not a known thing.

Laura95167 · 27/07/2025 18:23

I can see why he likes this group of friends, hes rotating? Sounds awful

Id ring some of the other girls mums and speak to them. Id help your DD to create a group - "girl talk" maybe.. and then id get her to suggest meeting up for some obvious girls only things so she can see them without him.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 27/07/2025 18:31

ramonaquimby · 27/07/2025 18:20

SEND schools have also shut down, and no, the safeguarding lead(s) won't be in school keeping an eye on things unless it's a known safeguarding concern. This sounds as if it's not a known thing.

Show quote history

I'm not saying that your school would, or that they are required to, but I know for a fact that some schools do - some of them run 38 week+ curriculums, some of them offer keep in touch sessions across the holiday. And the ones I know do keep an eye on correspondence because they could be named in an EHC Plan with a September start even if they consider themselves full, if they're a school that can be named. OP's might be one of them. I think it is worth OP trying because her daughter is already very distressed and is going to be very lonely over the next 5 weeks if there isn't a way of sorting this out. So it is worth a try though I agree it might not amount to anything.

CheeseAndPineappleHedgehog · 27/07/2025 18:52

ramonaquimby · 27/07/2025 18:20

SEND schools have also shut down, and no, the safeguarding lead(s) won't be in school keeping an eye on things unless it's a known safeguarding concern. This sounds as if it's not a known thing.

Show quote history

Do you know that for a fact? I have friends who are safeguarding leads in school/hospitals etc who absolutely do check their emails on holidays/rest days as they have had to attend safeguarding meetings including emergency strategy meetings - so not just for known issues. Quite often safeguarding leads will still be contacted for information especially if any of the children are on CIN or CP plans etc, or if there is an emergency safeguarding issue regarding a strategy. So it’s not beyond the realms the possibility (while also not being a given). I think a lot of DSLs check their emails every so often across the holidays.

Lifealwaysgetsbetter · 27/07/2025 18:59

TigressIamnot · 27/07/2025 17:40

I have a DD who is 16. She had a boyfriend for over a year. they are part of a wider closenit friendship group. All attend the same special school as all have learning difficulties/ASD/ADHD. Boyfriend decided he is in love with a different girl and broke up. All fine with me. DD is incredibly upset though. Main issue is, DD (and the other kids) are functioning at a level where they cannot leave the house alone. So their main mode if communication is WhatsApp etc. The ex blocked DD (fine, his choice) but he instructed all the other friends to remove DD from various WhatsApp groups and won't let the other to add DD back on. He can be quite dominant and is the only male in the group. When friends add her back to any of the groups, she is removed instantly by ex again. So DD didn't only lose the boyfriend, but the whole friendship group alongside as she be being sidelined. it's incredibly difficult for her. Under normal circumstances, I would run it via their school as the safeguarding lead is really on the ball but it's another 5 weeks until they go back. DD is just so upset. she cannot leave the house on her own and meet friends due to level of functioning. we are really stuck. Any ideas apart from the obvious of being there for her and being reassuring and trying to distract her as much as possible? It's heartbreaking to see.

can you help her set up a WhatsApp group with a few of her closest friends maybe? And make the settings are so that the others can’t add people to it.. (in case they try to add him).

Also do you know his parents? Would they be able to speak to him to tell him not to isolate her from her friends?

It’s not easy but in a way it’s good she’s escaped a toxic relationship (but obviously she won’t see it like this).