DP and I have been together 12 years, with DS7 and DS1.5. Originally we worked together on our business, but DP wanted to leave and I didn’t, so for the last 3 years he has worked 9-5 Monday to Friday in a physically demanding job. I work for myself, with employees, with DS7 at school and DS1.5 at childcare one day a week, and occasional extra days from in-laws as and when.
These are the statements my DP has made at various times:
He doesn’t want other people looking after DS1.5 ( I had to bulldozer through one day a week).
We can’t have babysitters in for the evening, because he doesn’t trust other people (non-family) to look after our kids and also our house is too messy to let people in.
I shouldn’t leave DS1.5 in his playpen for too long (I understand this and try not too but it’s the only way I get stuff done).
I shouldn’t work weekends.
He won’t get up with the kids in the morning . He doesn’t sleep well so stays in bed until midday on the weekend to catch up on sleep (I get up around 5am every day).
He doesn’t do the school run, it’s not his thing. I do all the school runs or get help when needed.
He doesn’t take/collect DS7 to after-school clubs, also not his thing. Either I do it, organise lifts or DS misses out.
He doesn’t like taking the kids out on his own at the weekend, it makes him feel like a single dad. He has done it when he has no choice but I should be available for family days out.
He doesn’t do housework, he’s either too tired, it’s my mess or I’ve let the kids make a mess, it’s on me to sort out. If he does tidy, everything gets bundled into a bag/box/cupboard.
He does his own washing, nobody else’s.
He says he’s still involved in our business but that generally involves telling me what I and everyone should be doing. If I ask him to do something it’s met with a lot of grumbling.
I should also lose weight and take more care of myself - he spends an hour+ in the bath every night whilst I get the kids to bed and supervise the business. Unless I’m actively working, in which case he puts youngest to bed, has a bath and puts oldest to bed when he’s done.
I shouldn’t fall asleep before the business closes, even if he’s awake, because it’s my choice to be there. I do because I can’t help it, but it’s usually gone midnight when I go to bed properly.
If I complain that it’s impossible to do everything as he thinks it should be done, he says I should leave our business, which I said I would do when DS7 started school. But then at that time it didn’t seem possible to do so.
We have no savings or joint finances. The business covers most of our living costs, I pay for our kids costs. His wages go on CMS payments, debts and clothes for him. He will food shop because I’ve stoped doing it, but he spends ridiculous money doing so.
He says I’ve made no effort to put plans in place to leave but I’m too exhausted to function beyond my day to day existence.
Our business is losing money but any effort I make to correct that gets met with a huff that I’m making more work for myself and neglecting the family.
I get little to no emotional support and comments about our lack of sex life. All I want is to be asked how I am and given a cuddle but I’m usually pushed away. I keep everything in, including the death of pets (met with a Sorry text).
Our youngest absolutely adores him, and we still get on if I wait for the right time and ignore all the other stuff. I think he does try but so much blame is laid at my feet I don’t know how much is my fault (some but not all?).
Occasionally when we’ve really argued he says he’ll have the kids and that terrifies me. I can’t bear the thought of not waking up to them every day, and to be honest I don’t want to put him through that too.
But the parameters he sets out for me are impossible to meet. I don’t understand what he thinks our lives will look like away from the business.
AIBU to not be able to find a solution?
or YANBU, this situation is impossible?