Request from friend

[MumsiesF]

Genuinely would love to know what people think. Friend living abroad for years and comes back to visit DM quite regularly and, if time allows, we try to meet also. Friend has sibling who lives an hour drive away from DM. Friend asked previously if I could help with DM house clear out as does not have car while visiting, involved driving to dump, helping to load/unload my car etc. didn’t mind however took a few hours but thought if once off, am happy to help. Friend txts to say coming back to visit DM and would I be available to do same again. AIBU to feel a little annoyed? Where is the sibling? Sibling has a car, can they not help out? Am I being selfish? Also could both friend and DP not bring car over on ferry and spend a day just clearing together? I have family and value free time when not working. AIBU to not want to do this?

Can’t you just say you’re just that day?

Does she engage another times or just when she wants something?

"Sorry I can't, you can insure yourself on my car for the day if it helps though" (assuming you would be ok with that!)

It was generous of you to help once...they are being cheeky now. Make up an excuse that your car is broken down or you've hurt your back and can't lift stuff or something...or just incredibly busy at the moment.

Just say your busy.

Why does the Mum’s house have to be mucked out so often?!
Don’t even contemplate entertaining this again.

No. Just say no if you don't want to. People will use you if you're willing.

Say no otherwise it will become an expectation

'Can't Sarah do this at some point? I'm short of free time and would prefer not to spend it ferrying stuff to the tip'.

Make it clear that it's her sibling's responsibility rather than yours. (I'm saying Sarah - but I won't be surprised to find that sibling is a brother who can't be arsed to help)

She is being a CF. Say no, that it too much time and energy last time. Ask if her sister could do it.
You will have to be frank. If you make up an excuse she will just ask you next time.
Being able to say no Is totally liberating!

I'm in the minority but this really wouldn't bother me. Opportunity to hang out with my mate who lives abroad, in the car chatting and having a giggle. Would probably tell her to chuck in a KFC with it and have a car picnic. I'm not overly bothered how I spend time with people, just like seeing them.

If she paid for food, I'd do it.

Otherwise, if you don't want to do it, be busy elsewhere.

"Sorry that doesn't work for me." And, if you want to, add "Can't 'sibling' step in and help?"

And @Hellomeee I mean, whatever floats your boat but a 'car picnic' based around a trip to the dump would not sway me to do this! 😂

I guess we all see things differently. I would have a right laugh doing this with my friends. Pissing about packing the car up, driving about having an in person chat with a good friend I rarely see. Probably have a stupid thing happen at the tip to cause mass hilarity for years to come. Little days like this I often find are more relationship building than sitting down for the umpteenth dinner reservation.

YANBU to not want to do it. It's easy enough to say "Sorry, last time was enough for me. Would love to see you after, though." If you're feeling helpful you could add something like "You can easily rent a car/van for a few hours with Zipcar [or whatever hourly rental place keeps cars near you]."

Whether your friend is BU to ask depends a bit on why she asks and whether she's fine with you saying no. She may ask you rather than her sister because she much prefers your company and she gets to spend more time with you this way. But she may do it just because it's easier, free and she doesn't want her sister to go to the effort or expense. And if she's off with you for saying no, then she's being very unreasonable.

I think it depends on the context. Do you feel that she appreciates your help and will return a favour if anything or do you feel that she is using you?
Tbh it’s the case for me that if you ask about it it’s better to say no. You clearly don’t like it.

@HellomeeeI agree, helping a friend out could be a great way to spend time together. More rewarding than meeting for a coffee. I’m eternally grateful to a friend who helped me move house years ago. It was a full on day but we did have a laugh. I would pay the favour back, or pay it forward if someone else needed that support.

Maybe the sibling does everything else and this is your friend's one contribution to caring for her Mum.

I suspect you will tell me not though.

I'm in the minority with a couple of previous posters - I would do this for a friend.

If I knew they were taking the piss I wouldn't though. Only you know if this is the case.

This is a good message. She obviously feels close enough to you to ask, you should feel able to say as above.

What are the actual chances of something hilarious happening at the dump that would be giggled over for years to come? 🤔

OP has already done this as a favour for her friend. It doesn't sound as though she had a particularly fun day doing this but she didn't mind as she assumed that it was a one-off.

It's cheeky of her friend to ask her to do this again, particularly as there is a sibling that lives an hour away who could help.

On a house clear out, rather than taking a few bags of stuff you've been keeping in the garage, I'd say fairly high. I've done this with friends or siblings four times and something's happened that we still talk about fondly on all of them (multiple days for each, so it's not a 100% rate per day but it's pretty good).

If you're not having fun at the tip with your mate, you aren't doing it right.

Be careful about making excuses, as your friend may try to find a different day.
I think best to say a straightforward 'sorry, I can't help'. I think asking if the sibling could help out would be reasonable.

Exactly! There's always potential for a good time in these situations.