To be worried sick about my DS (18) and this girl who's dragged him through hell??

[SillySocks87]

Right I dunno where to even start but I’m shaking and feel like I need to just get it out somewhere cos no one really gets it. My DS is 18 and he’s been off and on with this girl since he was about 14. She’s a bit older (just turned 21 in June) and I’ve never liked her if I’m honest but he’s always gone running back. She’s just bad news and always has been.

He used to be such a good lad when he was younger, bit quiet but sweet. Then she came on the scene and he’s been off the rails ever since. Smoking weed every day near enough, drinking, getting into scraps. He doesn’t even really talk to me anymore and when he does he’s either off his face or shouting. He works as a mechanic (well when he bloody turns up which isn’t often) and still lives with me.

He’s not had the easiest life, I’ve tried my best. His dad’s not really around much and to be honest that’s a blessing cos he’s not a nice bloke, drinks too much and violent. I left him years ago for a reason. But I think my son’s always missed him in some way, even if he won’t say it.

Anyway this girl… god where do I start. She’s always had everything handed to her, her dad buys her anything she wants, she doesn’t work, thinks she’s better than us cos we’re working class. She’s always had something to say about how we live, what we eat, even the bloody telly we’ve got.

She gave birth to their first baby when my DS was just 15, few months off 16. He was still a kid himself. I remember standing there in the hospital feeling like I was in a dream. He didn’t even know how to hold her properly at first. But he tried, I’ll give him that. He really did. I did everything I could too but it’s hard. They broke up and got back together and broke up again and it’s been like that ever since.

This last month though it’s gone proper mad. She told him she was pregnant again and he was actually happy about it. Said he was gonna “do it proper this time” and be a family. I was shocked but said I’d support him whatever. He was walking round with his chest puffed out like he was a proper man now, telling people he was gonna be a dad again.

Then last night it all kicked off. He came in like a tornado, slamming doors, crying (which he never does), rooting through the cupboards looking for booze. Smashed his phone up against the wall. Turns out she LIED about being pregnant. She told him she “thought she’d get pregnant eventually” cos they was having unprotected sex so she thought he’d never know. But the dates wouldn't have added up and she thought he was too thick to work it out.

I don’t even know what’s going on in her head but she’s really twisted. My heart breaks for him even though he’s not easy to live with. He looked so broken last night I didn’t know what to do. We’re not even close anymore, I don’t think he trusts me or anyone.

And now… he’s back with her. After all that. Straight back to her. I wanna shake him. I feel like I’m watching a car crash in slow motion and there’s nothing I can do. He won’t listen to me. I can’t even talk to him without him getting aggressive or walking off.

I don’t know if he’s got ADHD or something, I’ve said it for years. He’s always been a bit wired, always on edge, can’t sit still. But he never got any help in school and now he’s too old to even bother with all that probably.

AIBU to just be absolutely heartbroken and scared for him? I’ve tried everything. I’ve sat him down and talked, shouted, cried, even begged. I love him but he’s not the boy I raised and I’m scared one day something bad’s gonna happen and I’ll be getting a knock on the door.

Sorry it’s long and all over the place but I just needed to get it out.

This woman chose to lie about being pregnant. Unless he held a knife to her neck to do so I can't quite see how her choice here was his fault. Can you elaborate?

@Screamingabdabz So mothers are irresponsible if they try and make toxic relationships work for the sake of the children, AND irresponsible if they leave toxic relationships and raise their kids alone, AND irresponsible if they get into new relationships while they have dependent children…..got it.

Stating the obvious, I'm sure OP is very aware of this

Op the only way to get through this is to be there for him, tolerate and even try your best to get to know her (anyone at that age is not going to like you not liking their partner) and be a good grandmother. I know you probably won’t agree but you sound like you haven’t clicked with her because she’s in a different class to uou. There’s a chance you’re seeing something that isn’t there, some of my in laws grabbed onto things I said and assumed I was looking down on them which I never did (obviously I don’t what she said but just in case). We get on amazingly now.

The stuff he’s doing etc, it honestly could just be stress of him being a dad having to provide etc but you have to tell him if he was going to step up for baby number 2, well baby number one still needs him. You all have to work this out together

I see boy/girl relationships like this at my work (with vulnerable teens). It’s rare that the girl is older but it does happen. Usually she doesn’t have any female friends of her own, so latches on to a younger lad because she can control him.

Realistically, only if he were to turn round and say it wasn’t consensual.

You can’t blame the girl entirely. Some of it must be down to you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Breaks my heart to read it. I've a friend who was in a very similar situation (though thankfully the girl didn't manage to get herself pregnant) and eventually her son realised what an awful person she was and left her for good. He's also got ADHD and is doing really well now (decent job and his own flat with friends) since getting the medication. Others have said it too - you can't reason him out of this. All you can do is love and support and wait and be there, as heartbreaking as it is. Make sure he knows he can always come to you and that you love him. ADHD boys often suffer with low self-esteem which this horrible relationship is feeding. Just keep on loving him and boosting his confidence in any way you can - and remind him that as a father he has legal rights which this cow cannot take away or infringe on. Best of luck to you and try and keep your chin up.

What a stupid thing to say.

To the posters asking about reporting her or whether this is statutory rape – I did look into it at the time, but the reality is a bit complicated. I don’t think the hospital ever knew how old he was. I only took him in after the baby was born, and he wasn’t at the birth or involved in any of the pregnancy – no scans, no midwife appointments, nothing. By that point he wasn’t even going to school regularly, and social services were involved very briefly but nothing really came of it. I sometimes wonder if it had all been flagged properly, maybe things would’ve been different.

As for the baby – his daughter lives with his girlfriend. I’ve only met her a handful of times. She’s never been here; his girlfriend says it’s “not safe”, which is completely untrue. I assume when they’re both smoking weed, her mum looks after the baby, but I can’t say for sure. That side of things is very murky and I’m kept at arm’s length.

Technically, he still lives here, but when he’s with her I hardly see him. He might come in to sleep, or grab something quickly – that’s it. The rest of the time it’s like he’s just disappeared into her world, and I’m left worrying constantly about what’s actually going on.

I’m deeply concerned about his mental state and his temper. Last year, after a huge row with her, he completely lost it and smashed up a bus stop. She'd told him that she was embarrassed to be with him – he was fined, and I begged him to get help for his anger, but he just said it was a one-off and that I was overreacting. I don’t think I am.

And no, it’s not just me being snobby or “not clicking” with her because of background or class – I really don’t believe that. Her attitude from the start has been incredibly condescending. She’s openly said she likes how he’s “rough around the edges” and “better than his background”, which is such a backhanded insult. She’s made digs about what we eat, the size of our TV, even said our house smells – it doesn’t. I’ve tried to keep the peace but it’s been very hard to ignore.

I do actually agree with the poster who said she might’ve chosen him because he’s easier to control. From what he’s said, before she told him she was pregnant she already told him she wanted another baby – he told her no. They were apparently using contraception, but she told him she was pregnant anyway. He panicked but also got excited – started talking about them being a proper family, even proposing (!!). It was only last night, when he said something in front of her mum, that the truth came out. Her mum had no idea and looked shocked – and the girlfriend just sort of brushed it off. Later on she admitted she lied.

I dread to think how long she would’ve kept that going if it hadn’t slipped out like that. And now I can’t stop thinking: what if she is actually pregnant now, and this was all just a ploy to have unprotected sex? It makes me feel sick.

I want to support my son. I want to be a good grandmother, of course I do. But I also want to protect him, and I feel like he’s being pulled deeper and deeper into something he doesn’t fully understand.

Statutory rape doesn’t exist in the UK.

@SillySocks87 That baby could be in danger or being neglected OP. Especially if they are both doing drugs together they likely aren't giving that baby enough attention. I would report it to SS tbh because they don't seem competent to look after a baby. I also think with those anger issues, he could get into trouble legally if he has an outburst. What if he gets violent towards the baby or her, or anyone tbh. Smashing up a bus spot is serious and he needs to get some help for it. ADHD caues impulsive behaviour, medication would likely help a lot.

I don’t think he’s going to be able to stand on his own two feet whilst you’re offering him a home and presumably helping him with finances etc?

He needs a boot up his backside into the real world and not come running back and forth between the mother of his child and you.

It does.

All rape is "statutory rape" in that it's rape because the statute says so. The term "statutory rape" is generally used to mean "rape" that meets the statutory definition of rape but doesn't meet the general perception of what a rape would be (i.e. where both people said yes but it's still rape because one of those people couldn't consent).

It's an outdated term and it's not a criminal offence in that wording but it exists as much as "physical assault" exists or "murder by stabbing". All of them are crimes in the UK, just not with those exact phrases written down in the law.

He seems vulnerable and easily manipulated. My heart goes out to you.

All you can do is be there for him. You can't wake him up. Only he can come to a realisation.

I have a brother in a similar scenario and I'm praying every day that he will see the truth.

The ADHD thing is a huge let down, it’s such a pity he didn’t get help in that regard when he was younger.

I think that would be a really big turning point for him. Could you try again with a gp? See if you can get a diagnosis for him and maybe some medication?

Hi OP I know your son and the girlfriend are both adults, but do you know what her parents think? Could you band together with them talk to them both as a united front?

And?

He's at risk of losing his job if he doesn't go ( and fined for vandalism )
If he makes sure he pays CM then he is far more likely to be viewed favourably in Court re his contact ( and no I don;t want the irritating Children aren;t Pay Per View comment that is alwayed rolled out )

OP - if this was my son I;d want a DNA test done . Has he looked into this ?

I think the point is that OP knows everything you're saying and also has no control over any of the things you're saying must happen.

Stat rape doesn’t exist in the UK, there’s even diff parts for diff ages. My nieces ‘boyfriend’ was prosecuted for stat rape 5 years ago

Yeah I do worry about the baby too. I’ve said it before, I don’t think either of them are fit to be looking after her full-time when they’re like this, especially when they’re both smoking weed. And if they’ve been drinking too, I honestly don’t know who’s got her. Her mum’s always there in the background but it’s not clear what’s actually going on. I don’t see the baby, I’ve only met her a handful of times and never had her at mine – the girlfriend says our house “isn’t safe” which is just crap. It’s clean, quiet, and safe. She just don’t want us involved.

I’ve thought about reporting to SS, I really have. But I’m scared they’ll take it out on my son and I’ll lose whatever little contact I have left with him. He already barely speaks to me when he’s with her.

He won’t go to the GP about his anger or for possible ADHD. I’ve begged him, I’ve even offered to go with him and help him explain everything. He says he’s fine, says everyone’s angry sometimes and I’m being dramatic. But I know he’s not fine. He’s like a bottle ready to explode, and if he loses this job I honestly think he’ll go right off the deep end. His boss is one of the only decent male figures he’s ever had – strict but fair, keeps him in check, gives him routine. Without that I don’t know where he’ll end up.

He’s never had a DNA test done but the baby looks just like him, even his old school friends have said it. There’s no real doubt it’s his – I wish he’d get proper access sorted but he’s scared of rocking the boat with her and her family.

You’re right about the ADHD being a big letdown – it’s one of my biggest regrets. I pushed for years but everything took so long and by the time we got near a proper appointment he was too far gone and wouldn’t engage. And now I feel like we’ve missed the boat.

I sympathsise with you, but right now your son is not a competent parent. Otherwise he wouldn't be drinking and doing drugs with his girlfriend whilst they're meant to be looking after their child. He has anger issues, refuses to get help for that and ADHD. From the sounds of it he's not paying CM (the family court will see this as a sign of not caring, and it will look bad) and he's smashing up phones etc. He has serious anger issues which shouldn't be anywhere near a baby. But it will even worse as the baby grows, a toddler or young child is such an environment is an adverse childhood experience. The baby will see him shouting and fighting with his girlfriend (leaving them coming back = no stability), also perhaps being violent, verbally and with objects. What will all of that teach a child? They will likely be traumatised by that. I say this because he has no interest nor does she in getting help and improving or getting better. If they did then I'd give them a final chance, but since they don't want to, this is likely what the future will be.

His anger issues are more than likely going to lead to him losing his job - how will he support himself and his baby? I'm sorry but the baby's welfare needs to come first - I think it's unlikely the girlfriend's mum is looking after the baby all that time. You should report to SS regardless of whether she is as both of their behaviours is not consistent with being a good parent at all. Also, if you get SS involved they may offer Early Helo services which can be very helpful - almost teaching how to parent, things like reading and phonics etc. When did the girlfriend leave school? Does she have any GCSEs? Does she have a job? They won't be able to support the needs of a child at all, could lead to issues with neglect (which they are already doing now). Also SS can get Family Solutions involved which can also provide support.

Surely the girlfriend is seeing the Health Visitor? I know she may not listen to you if you tell her to ask for support but maybe if you let her mother know, she can have a word. Also OP you definitely tried and were a good parent, sometimes this just happens but it doesn't mean it's forever. However you either need to get him help - call MH services or 111. Or you need to report to SS, I doubt they'd notice if the baby was crying, or would stall taking the baby to the doctors if she got sick. This is only likely to get worse with no intervention but it's unfair to a baby, who had no choice on its family. The baby deserves stability and proper care.

How is this in any way helpful for the OP? 🤔

Is he sure the baby is his?

I don't think there's anything you can do. He's been with her since he was 14 and has a child with her. All you can do is be there for him, maybe his life will work out and maybe it won't. It's out of your hands.