AIBU to expect him to prepare the campervan ahead of departure, so that it is ready for just final bags to be added the morning of departure?

[DontmesswiththisHoneyBadger]

We are supposed to be departing today for a campervan holiday. I really lost it at OH yesterday as things were not getting ready as I was trying to wrap up work (WFH yesterday was supposed to help). I'm not just talking about clothes and washbag, I mean the makeshift kitchen is still not attached, let alone loaded with things like plates, condiments, glasses. The only reason the van is half way clean is because I forced my 2 teen DD to help me clear it out last weekend.

When I am being rational and mindful, I know the stress I feel at preparing the holiday is my own doing, and I can breath out and choose to have a peaceful departure. But I am not always able to be that kind of person.

The thing is, I work 100% and am the only income to the household. OH is a martial arts teacher but mainly volunteering, it reimburses expenses and covers him doing more trainings, but doesn't bring money to pay the mortgage. He is busy 4 evenings a week, as well as ~20 weekends a year and I feel left alone to do things. Since the kids broke up from school, he has been "busy" preparing a marketing campaign for the club with hours on the computer every day. Even my DDs have complained he's there but not there, and they are teens who want nothing from Dad apart from taxi service.

AIBU to expect him to prepare the campervan ahead of departure, so that it is ready for just final bags to be added the morning of departure?

Give him a list of exactly what you want him to do and when.

My ex did routes, prepping van etc, I sorted food. He said we'd eat out- 3 meals a day- I don't think so. Eating out was a treat.

I'd suggest you talk to him after the holiday about this contribution to the household generally. He could surely do more paid work in martial arts teaching?

We sold our camper van, had some great times, some of our best family holidays which I hope DC will look back on, but became another chore, I don’t miss the preparation and unpacking, especially when I went back full time. Holidays for me now are ones where I can get a break from the thinking about what we are going to eat etc, and someone else looking after me for a bit.

So sorry op, I didn’t intend to suggest you’re the bitch! Far from it. I spotted it because my dh is similar; we are both nd and work together to find solutions and work on the areas we find difficult.

As others have said, though, being nd does not give him an excuse. It can be helpful to understand why a person may be finding things difficult, but it should absolutely mean he works to improve.

My dh could be considered a lazy bastard, but because I know and understand him - and he talks to me! I see where he’s struggling, we discuss how he feels (lots of guilt and shame in there!) and we work out plans and techniques to help him achieve what he needs to. He cares about making sure I’m not stuck with overload though.

The change has to come from him; but understanding where he’s coming from helps me too. We’re a great team, which is worth it!

This. I’d tell him to prepare the campervan or not come, his family are not going to come a poor second to his deciding to do extra volunteering, and we would talk properly after the holidays as you are finding it really difficult that he neither parents, earns or looks after the things that need doing.

You beat me to it. He indulges in his hobby, whilst you pick up the pieces. If he’s organised to do all this voluntary stuff, he’s capable of getting a job.

To answer your question, yes, he should have got the campervan ready, and has no excuse not to.

Your children are teenagers yet your DH chooses not to get a paid job? Are you ok with that?

YANBU. If he's on the spectrum, I'm sure he's capable of looking online for a template checklist of how to prepare a campervan for a holiday and attempting to work through it. It sounds like he lacks initiative.

If the kids are also picking up on him not being present, it's time to talk to him about cutting back on the voluntary work and doing more for the kids and household. It sounds like him having at least a part time job would be a smart move if he's not good at running the household.

Sat in my van right now having a second brew!

I usually try to take half day before a big trip away as we like to do a full clean through together (van isn't stored at home all the time so can't do it over time).
OH does all the mechanical bits by that he makes sure fridge is working properly, we've the electric cables we need, toilet done, gets water on board, sorts all bits like bbq, power banks etc.
I do interior clean out and sort the dogs things.
We do our own clothes. Food shop together.

Weekend's away are literally shove clothes and washbags in. Fill water container and load dog.