AIBU to expect him to prepare the campervan ahead of departure, so that it is ready for just final bags to be added the morning of departure?

[DontmesswiththisHoneyBadger]

We are supposed to be departing today for a campervan holiday. I really lost it at OH yesterday as things were not getting ready as I was trying to wrap up work (WFH yesterday was supposed to help). I'm not just talking about clothes and washbag, I mean the makeshift kitchen is still not attached, let alone loaded with things like plates, condiments, glasses. The only reason the van is half way clean is because I forced my 2 teen DD to help me clear it out last weekend.

When I am being rational and mindful, I know the stress I feel at preparing the holiday is my own doing, and I can breath out and choose to have a peaceful departure. But I am not always able to be that kind of person.

The thing is, I work 100% and am the only income to the household. OH is a martial arts teacher but mainly volunteering, it reimburses expenses and covers him doing more trainings, but doesn't bring money to pay the mortgage. He is busy 4 evenings a week, as well as ~20 weekends a year and I feel left alone to do things. Since the kids broke up from school, he has been "busy" preparing a marketing campaign for the club with hours on the computer every day. Even my DDs have complained he's there but not there, and they are teens who want nothing from Dad apart from taxi service.

AIBU to expect him to prepare the campervan ahead of departure, so that it is ready for just final bags to be added the morning of departure?

YADNBU.
Is he usually useless ?

We have a similar setup. My dh does it all, I just pack my things and we do the foodie things together. He does sound like maybe he gets hyper focused, is he nd? That can make it difficult to switch tasks. But still.

you could suggest working out a plan together, in future, if he is willing to work with you on it…

Errolwasahero so interesting you spotted this. I believe he is ADD and possible other nd but nothing diagnosed. One of our DD is also on the nd spectrum.
I feel like that means Im a bitch expecting him to prepare things, and it feels overwhelming to know that I just have to do all the work myself and cannot depend on him 😔

I would be upset at that to be honest.

Why are you with a man who appears to contribute absolutely fuck all?

He doesn’t work and hasn’t even bothered sorting out the jobs in the camper for the holiday. What does he contribute? He doesn’t bring in any money, has loads of time on his hands but doesn’t prioritise his family. He’s got a pretty good set up there hasn’t he?

What does he bring to the table? Not much it sounds like.

Not the point but why doesn’t he charge for classes?

On the camper, my DH does all van prep and I do the food shop and sort clothes for everyone. He always has the van ready to go for us leaving.

How did you get into a situation where you’re supporting his workshy ass?

Yanbu. He doesnt work what is he doing when hes not teaching martial arts? He sounds insufferable tbh.

He just expects to be able to pitch up to everything in life doesn't he, and someone else will have done all the work. Appealing.

I just couldn't get past him living his best life while you work full time OP. That's wild unless there's a good medical reason for him being out of work.

Enjoy your holiday but do also reflect on the fairness of your overall situation. It sounds terribly imbalanced.

Why doesn’t he work?

He sounds like a giant freeloading child that you have adopted and agreed to fully pay for AND he’s getting the biggest slice of cake while your actual children are forced to carry his chores just for the privilege of lining up for the cake while he’s merrily eating his way through it as you stand and watch.

Cocklodger comes to mind.
I wouldn't put up with it, get a paid job, or I need to reconsider the future. There are more problems here than a campervan.

Why isn't he working ? Volunteering is great but why is his family not a priority?

I think it's reasonable for everyone who is going on the holiday to contribute to the preparations, including teenagers. It's what he does not do the rest of the time that would bother me.

Yet another person who seems to sugges that ND /adhd [not diagnosed] is an excuse for lazy /bad behaviour. 🙄

His current work situation is not paying the bills and it means he isn't around to parent in the evenings and weekends. This sounds like a hobby to me and he doesn't have a job.
Getting ready for a holiday can be stressful but then you mention screwing the kitchen in to the camper van. That is definitely something he should have done already if you want to set off on holiday. So I don't think he is pulling his weight. You are doing 100%.

Many ND people are able to have a job, take care of themselves (and others) and function in a way that contributes. Being ND means that he may do things differently, but it doesn’t make it wrong. You are not mean for being frustrated, and certainly it is reasonable that he contributes to life and the household - it’s not a pass for doing nothing.

maybe I’ve read too much into this, but is this campervan one of those ‘projects’ where he has meant to conver something into a camper? I ask because of the kitchen comment. If that’s the case and he doesn’t work, how has it been left until now? You ANBU to expect it to be sorted when you have arranged a holiday and I imagine discussed departure and what’s needed from the van?

DS used to do martial arts. the teacher was lovely but the set up of the club and many other MA clubs seemed like something half way between pyramid selling and a cult. They suck you in. They charge you a fortune. You have to buy expensive robes and belts and enter all sorts of tournaments, and then as a reward, you get to teach and do stuff for the club unpaid! Meanwhile some bloke at the top of the pyramid is raking it in.

I'd find time on the holiday to have a serious chat with him about the uneven burden on you. That he needs to apply some of his attention and work ethic to a job or career that brings in a living wage. And if he won't or can't for whatever reason, then he needs to sort out his priorities and decide family comes first. family tops everything - the club, its demands etc, so it is easy for him to decide he will prep the campervan or make the tea or focus on DC above all else. And if the club starts complaining, he needs to tell them he has to step down to focus on earning income to provide for his family.

one of my friends is just divorcing a man like this. Only works very PT but also does nothing at home. The agreement was he would work PT while kids were small. They are both now adults. He’s still doing fuck all.

I find it strange that he volunteers to teach. Surely the pupils are paying to learn as there is a need to rent space.

We leave the campervan set up and ready to go when we return from the last holiday. I am assuming from your post this is a self build. You need to ask him why it's not finished when he has so much time

I think your biggest issue is that you seem to have an OH who's not bringing anything to the table.
Did you actually expect him to prep the van or in the back of your mind did you know he wouldn't do it?
It all sounds exhausting for you, I'm completely on your side btw.
We sold our van last year, I was the one who always prepped it (I'm a control freak😄)
Tbh, I loved it, cleaning the inside, making sure we had everything, it was my happy place.
Dp's job was charging the leisure battery and fueling it.
Im actually jealous of you setting off on your adventure.
I've nothing helpful to add but I empathise.
Hope you have a lovely trip despite your hopeless OH!

He should be doing all the prep. If he doesn't bring in.money and ut is needed what is his contribution? I'd sit him.down and review the way things are. It's not fair.