To accept better paid job that’s 3 hours away and requires 3 days in the office/week

[Isitworthitornot]

TLDR: Offered a much more senior role with 50 percent more pay, but it’s three hours away and would mean staying over two nights a week and giving up my current lifestyle. Can’t relocate because of my wife’s job. Tempted but leaning no. AIBU?

Hi. I’m in a senior role and earn a good salary that lets me live comfortably. I don’t care for luxury though. I’m happiest spending time with my pet and reading a good book. I currently work from home. So the dilemma is that I’ve been approached by another company in the same industry for a more senior role. Think a step up from associate director to senior director, with around 50 percent more total compensation. On paper, it sounds quite exciting but the catch is that the role requires 3 days/week in the office, and that’s non negotiable. The office is three hours away and I can’t really relocate with my wife (I’m a woman) because she works locally and moving just isn’t an option for her for the next several years. So I’d have to travel weekly and likely stay over two nights, plus start really early on the first day to be in the office for 9 am. I would miss my pet. I also have a hobby/sport I do twice a week plus every other weekend that would probably have to go, or at least be scaled back a lot. Eg because weekend would get eaten up by recovery and prep, I couldn’t go to games away etc.

So AIBU to turn it down? It’s probably great for my career, but realistically the cost of travel and hotels would eat into the extra money, at least for a while. My wife says she’s happy for me to move there for a couple of years by myself if I really want to take it and that we make it work, but I’m just not sure it’s worth the personal cost. TIA

Edited to add I’m 38.

On those facts, I’d turn it down.

You sound like you'd miss your pet more than you'd miss your wife!

I wouldn't even consider it. Your current work/life balance sounds great.

I wouldn't do it. You don't need the money and your life will be significantly worse with the commute. Life is too short!

I love my wife more than life but she’s a surgeon. I’ve got used to not seeing her much or spending a lot of time together. Over time, my pet became a close companion. I would miss them both if I took the job, but my pet is ten years old now and I worry we don’t have much time left. Hopefully a long life with the wife, 15 years together and going strong 😊

If you don’t want a luxury lifestyle why put yourself through that. I am like you and have no desire for fancy things but I do work my arse off to build wealth for my kids. Once they are sorted I will wind back massively. If you have kids I would say do it, if you don’t I would not.

I’d turn it down. Life isn’t all about work. A 3 hour commute could be a 5 hour commute on a bad day and it sounds like you’d spend a lot of that pay rise on travel and subsistence away from home, which you don’t sound particularly keen to do. Your life sounds good and balanced - I’d keep it that way!

Sounds like a lot of reasons to turn it down but only one reason to accept.

Only worth considering if you are really in need of the money.

if your wife is not at home a great deal, who is going to look after your dog while you're away?

I wouldn't. Quality of life will drop a lot, Depends how much the money and increases seniority mean to you.

It’s a cat but she’s a velcro cat. And yeah that is my worry too, she would be lonely if I was away so much

Yes, no kids currently and not even sure if that will happen for us, but you’re right, that would be a good reason to work hard. While each to their own, but holidays or cars just really aren’t it for me.

Once you’re earning enough to achieve a reasonable quality of life, my view is any additional income from changing job needs to be viewed through a ‘does this improve overall quality of life’ rather than just ‘does this earn more’.

The increase is likely to all be at higher tax rate, so your take home won’t increase by as much as the gross does. Your travel costs come out of net pay, so that’s there too. And living a mid week travelling life generally means higher living costs.

I’d be surprised if it’s worth it.

More money would always be nice I guess, as we don’t own a house yet and are saving for a deposit, but we pay the bills okay and can afford the cat and the small things we enjoy. For me, that’s plenty

I guess it's a joint decision. Options for me would be:

1. No. Your life is for living. Enjoy your wife, pet, hobbies. They are most important.

2. Yes but you decide on a time frame of 1-2yrs. That means you have a mental end-point to work towards and, you will gain the knowledge & experience of the role. You can then aim to look for a job closer to home for a similar position.

3. Yes but hope that you can negotiate on number of days in the office once in the role.

I’m leaning towards 1, just wanted to see what people who are hopefully objective think, in case I’m making a huge mistake. Doesn’t seem like it, and I really appreciate everyone’s comments

Definitely don’t do it the hours you will lose commuting if your income is ok now why not stay where you are tell the company it’s a great offer but it will eat into your personal life and money isn’t always worth the hassle.

You say your wife is happy for you to move there. But would she be happy for your current situation to remain unchanged or does she want more. Does she want to get on the property ladder quicker?

Will there be substantial increase in what's left over after a second lot of expenses and travel costs are paid if you do decide to go?

The fact that you don’t own a house at 38 changes it a bit of me. You’re married to a surgeon, you have a good job - been together 15 years, no kids and no house? That’s unusual - where has the money gone? Could this job accelerate your savings? Could you do it for say 2/3 years with an end point in mind if it got you enough for the house purchase? Then find a similar level role closer to home with 2/3 years experience under your belt.

Practical considerations- pay more tax, travel and accommodation costs = not such a great pay increase as first appears
Quality of life - decreased, alone in accommodation is nothing like being at home even if your wife is working. You will see even less of your wife.
The cat - cats are fairly independent but I think staying over near to work means the cat misses out
Would I take the job? Absolutely not.

could be good for you both to go for it

Is approaching your current employer, mentioning that you have had interest from their competitor and asking them about internal promotion opportunities that you could consider alongside the external position an option?

I’d turn it down and list the reasons. They may counter back with something else if they really want you, but you have to decide what’s acceptable. I did that and got what I wanted in terms of work location as it was just too much driving.

No. But I’d use it to negotiate a higher salary in my current role.

Ask yourself why you are even looking.

I am in a similar situation (3 hours each way to work), pay significantly higher, but I have it written into my contract that I only need to go there once per week.

The commute (train) kills me (up at 5, home at 7 or 8) and I’m shattered the next day. Only finding this harder in menopause, when my sleep it is all over the show!

Take full consideration of travel costs,( train or driving?)extra days they might ask for on-site (especially in a senior director role), more work in general which would make the job harder.

Is the 50% extra salary gross or net salary? At higher rate tax, you don't see much of any payrise. And how much of that will travel and accommodation take out?