My partners family…am I in the wrong?

[Fruitpunch1]

Been with my partner 8 years, we have DD who’s 6.

His grandparents, aunties etc have seen my daughter once since she was born.
She has never had a birthday card, a gift or anything from them.
DP’s grandad makes effort for my partners sisters children, he’s taken them on days out, to the zoo, even Disney, but my daughter has never had so much as a card or anything.

After all of this my partners auntie and grandparents have decided they want to be in my daughter’s life and want to visit. I’ve said no, on the basis that they’ve ignored the fact she exists for 4 years, never bother with her, never even allow any time for her.

My partner thinks I’m being materialistic, however it’s not about the money, it’s the blatant favouritism.
AIBU in saying she’s not visiting?

I can understand your reluctance. I think I would want to understand more about why they haven't been in yours/her lives so far, and what has changed.

A positive, loving relationship with wider family would be great for your DD, but I'd be wary of them disappearing again.

They need to have a good relationship with you too.

I can see why you are angry about how his family have behaved.
Do you know why your DP's Aunt and Grandparents have had a change of heart?
I think you need to talk to them about why they ignored your child for so long and why they now want to be in her life. I think only after having that conversation should you decide whether you want them to be involved or not.

I’d have the visit and see how it goes, and then decide about future get togethers based on how they are with her and with you. It’s an awfully big thing to cut relatives out of a child’s life and it sounds petty to do it for the reason you give. You don’t give any context as to why they see so little of your DD. Do they live far away? Have they been going through stressful times themselves? Has your DP not engaged with them by sending photos and updates and talking to them and encouraging them to be involved so that they maybe didn’t feel welcome/wanted? Are they just the sort of people who don’t find babies and toddlers interesting but now your DD is 6 they feel she is beginning to be a proper person they could get to know?

It's understandable that you're cross however it's cutting off your nose to spite your face to refuse to ever see them again on that basis. Why not suggest meeting for a few day trips on neutral ground and then if they show that they can be reliable and turn up maybe visits at home will be appropriate?

Your DP should facilitate a relationship. You shouldn't stop them having contact, it's not solely your decision to make. But you shouldn't have to do any of the work to facilitate or maintain a relationship between them and your DD, that's up to your partner.

Your husband should be allowed to have his family visit his home if he wants them to. You don’t have to do the work involved in facilitating it though.

I understand why you’re cross. But I wouldn’t stop her having the opportunity of a relationship with them going forwards out of spite.

Don’t look back, look forward for your daughter’s sake. You are resentful about the past lack of interest in her but obviously they are interested enough to want to try and form a relationship. You shouldn’t deny her this chance.

Not letting someone visit because you are upset with them for... not visiting, doesn't sound super logical. If you want to let your daughter get to know her family, id let them visit.

You can't complain they never do anything, but then stop them when they want to start. Its not going to help anyone, least of all your daughter.

Yeah it's a bit shit of them isn't it i remember when my children's grandmother decided she wanted back in my ex husband came to me all teary eyed begging me on her behalf it's not like I ever stopped her technically he did so I said fine she can send birthday and Christmas cards if she wants no skin off my nose (that's all she wanted no visits) then she missed one the youngest the one with additional needs his big brother went insane said he was returning her gift to him and cutting her off if she ever did it again she hasn't so far but she hasn't asked to see them either

So I would be cautious in case they ditch your child again it's so damaging for them

Well what is best and more important for your child having family input now or you being 'right'?

How old are your SILs children? Were they involved from day 1? Is it possible they do not bother with small children and start getting involved once they are a bit easier to handle?

My sister in laws kids are 4, 7 and 9

We live round the corner from them. My partners sent pics, bday cards and all sorts. They just don’t bother. That’s why I’m not exactly encouraging a relationship.

I think I'd be inclined to give them a chance but be prepared to be disappointed if that makes sense.

Sorry I hope no one thinks im drip feeding here!

DP has often been treated different to his sister, they celebrated her 30th last year with a big surprise family meal, we weren’t invited. DP doesn’t even get a text message on his birthday.

Also, they have us on social media, so they know we see the big family holidays, Easter celebrations that my daughter isn’t involved in.

This.

It’s surprising your partner isn’t bothered about this himself.

He is, he has been for years. He doesn’t know any different, and I think part of it with my partner is he will just be happy for them to drop him like a hot spud if it means he gets some form of family engagement.

I wouldn’t be upset at just not visiting, it’s the fact both my partner and daughter are treated like they don’t exist.

Do you think they might be trying to line you up as carers for the grandparents .

@Fruitpunch1 well they can get to hell!! never bothered for 6 years so why change the habits of a lifetime!! your dp needs to grow a pair and tell them to fuck off!! they are strangers to her!!

Does your DP put in the effort to maintain a relationship with these relatives? Does he send birthday cards, calls them, goes visit? These are pretty distant relations to your children so I wouldn't expect them to show much interest unless your DP was close to them. I've got 2 aunts who have never seen my children, but last time I saw them was maybe 15 years ago so I can't expect them to be interested in them. My brother sees them more often so they know his child.

You give them a chance.

it makes no sense to be annoyed by certain behaviours but not give the space for people to change.

You may never have the relationship in the way that you want but your daughter seeing her extended family even sporadically isn’t a bad thing.

tit for tat gets you nowhere. You dont need to send cards or gifts either. I doubt they’ll bring it up and if they do, it’s fairly easy to say “as we’ve never gotten any from you I thought we weren’t doing them?”

Unless your DP wants to cut his family off himself, banning them from seeing your Dd puts him in an unfair position.

Is there a reason your partner is treated different?
Did you elope and not invite anyone to celebrate your wedding or something?

Nope! We’re not married 😂

We’ve never worked out why, DP seems to think it’s because they don’t like his mum as that’s the only inclination they’ve given really. And they don’t acknowledge that they don’t bother with him, it’s all weird