My partners family…am I in the wrong?

[Fruitpunch1]

Been with my partner 8 years, we have DD who’s 6.

His grandparents, aunties etc have seen my daughter once since she was born.
She has never had a birthday card, a gift or anything from them.
DP’s grandad makes effort for my partners sisters children, he’s taken them on days out, to the zoo, even Disney, but my daughter has never had so much as a card or anything.

After all of this my partners auntie and grandparents have decided they want to be in my daughter’s life and want to visit. I’ve said no, on the basis that they’ve ignored the fact she exists for 4 years, never bother with her, never even allow any time for her.

My partner thinks I’m being materialistic, however it’s not about the money, it’s the blatant favouritism.
AIBU in saying she’s not visiting?

Has your DH always been the family’s scapegoat and his Sister the golden child?
If SIL lives near you, don’t be surprised if they drop in for 20 mins and then go to their DD’s.
I wouldn’t tell your DD they are coming, if they turn up it’s a nice surprise and if they only stay a little while, it’s no big deal.
Have you got a loving family that DD is close too?

This does sound like a golden child/scapegoat situation. It will be passed to your little girl (peobably) so I wouldn’t let them in at all. I would slso take them off my social media. No relationship with your dp means no relationship with you and your child.

DP has often been treated different to his sister, they celebrated her 30th last year with a big surprise family meal, we weren’t invited. DP doesn’t even get a text message on his birthday

Well that’s awful. I wouldn’t let any of them anywhere near us.

I’m unfamiliar with golden child scapegoat pattern. I’ve kept my mouth shut for years with them, DP does as well he just tiptoes around it. I don’t want her visiting. Chicken pox is doing the rounds here, wonder if I can get myself a big dose by tomorrow!

DD has lots of lovely aunties and cousins and a great nan and grandad that adore her. So not bothering with these people is absolutely no loss to her whatsoever!

Has anyone ever addressed this clear favouritism towards your dp’s sister, @Fruitpunch1?

I don’t think you are unreasonable not to want to facilitate a relationship now, given how they’ve acted towards your dp, your dd and you - it doesn’t sound like your life would be poorer if you went low or no contact with them, to be honest.

I would be tempted to hit them with the truth - all the times they have favoured your dp’s sister and ignored hi, your dd and you, and tell them that’s why you don’t want a relationship with them, and don’t want to facilitate them to have a relationship with your dd either - but that is definitely the nuclear option. Just going low contact might be easier.

Not related to the OP but you must get married, especially with a child. You have more rights when you’re married. Hopefully you’ll never split up, but if you did you have no rights at all atm. Wish more people in long term relationships understood this, well, depending who the main income earner / property owner is.

Hey op been in your shoes but the mil was around for first 12 months then got bored but she didn’t love her ds so it sounds similar how can they care about your dd if they don’t care about there own son. I would leave it to dp to decide and if he decides to give them a chance go with it and if he doesn’t then that’s what you wanted. Your being protective which very understandable. She also favoured her dd and her ds so was very involved in their lives plenty of gifts holidays etc. I hated how she treated my oh and he had a few attempts to fix things but none were ever accepted she’s dead now and I see it as her loss. Sorry you’re going through this it’s bloody hurts.

I don’t think it’s just about saying no. You have to call out their really terrible behaviour!!

I would really want to challenge them to know why they've ignored your DP and DD all these years.. (Does the SIL also ignore your DP's efforts at cards and presents.. I wasn't clear if she got them but he did'nt.)

And what has made them change their minds. I'd tell them I'd be concerned about introducing them to DD if they then decided that they weren't interested afterall.

They didn't like DP's mum? Why are they taking that out on him? Is she still around and sees DD?

Also.. seeing all their wonderful times on social media just means you should stop following them.

As your DD already has an extended family to love, its no loss to her.. but your DP may be suffering. Has he considered counseling? They've treated him really badly. Maybe he should see them first to suss out if they are being genuine, what their reasons are and whether he actually wants to re establish contact and if so.. how much ? If it makes him happier to reconnect he probably ought to try, but I'd take it really slowly - he needs to protect himself.

So this is your DP's grandparents on his dad's side who don't bother with him (or your DD) but do with his sister? Does his sister have a different mum? And if so, what was his dad's relationship like with that partner compared to your DP's mum?

Ask this is just to try and tease out what else might be going on, but regardless your concern about their desire to be in her life is well founded just based on their behaviour so far.

If you think they might be being genuine about wanting contact now, then for your DD's sake I would see if it can work out. Grandparents are a huge boon to kids if they are involved and loving. But you need to move cautiously. You could tell them they need to show willing and step up with contact with your DP and non face-to-face contact with DD for a while first as you're not prepared to expose her to a relationship that gets her hopes up and then fails on her, or to be directly exposed to the favourtism they've shown her cousins up to now. I would be very up front that they've hurt and damaged their grandson and you aren't prepared to let them hurt and damage DD in the same fashion.

I think you need to do this and not leave it to your DP as he sounds too desperate for their attention to see clearly regarding his DD's best interests. But you need to have him on board with it. If you can't get him to agree to this approach then I agree you need to be putting your foot down as much as possible, not facilitating contact and, if he insists and takes her anyway, trying to lower your DD's expectations/helping her understand and reframe any poor treatment/listening to her if she complains about them/etc.

She's young, but not too young to be told that even some adults and family treat other people badly and it's not any more acceptable just because they're adults. Or to be allowed to express her dislike at that sort of treatment.

There's obviously some wider family issue at play here rather than them just not caring about your kids.

They can't change the past but it seems like they're trying to make an effort now, so why not give them a chance?

I'd be wanting to have a serious and frank chat with them about why it's played out like this though. And I'd be upfront about the consequences if they upset your kid by suddenly deciding they don't want a relationship anymore.

Why do they suddenly want to be a part of your daughters life? It seems random to me. Is there a rumour going around you've won the lotto?

Could you or your DP go back to them and ask ‘why now?’ As a genuine question? It doesn’t have to be attacking just curious.

I'd tell the hypocritical lot to fuck right off!

It does feel a bit strange that they've had a sudden change of heart and I would want to know why as well. If nothing else to protect my child from future upset.

I'd have an adult conversation with them prior to any visit. Just ask them why they haven't been very present in your DC lives up until now. Try to do it in the most non confrontational way possible (hard I know), because otherwise you'll always be wondering and worried about their motivations.

On the other hand, if they go bonkers and are rude about a reasonable question, do you want that sort of person around your child anyway?

As someone with a fucked up extended family, I'd be wondering why now.

I suspect people have been asking questions and they've realised they look bad. So now they want to give the impression to others that they are interested.

Maybe a neighbour has asked how you're doing or asked after your child. So they want a few photos for their FB page or some such shit. Or they think a visit every 4 years means they don't have a favourite.

I would not allow them to play favourites with their grandchildren like they did their children. There's no need to fuck up another generation of the 'family'.

Protect your child and if that means they get to play victim instead of show outsiders who they are then it's a small price to pay.

No now she has the chance to get to know her family and she has only lived a tiny part of her life, most of which she wont remember, I don't think you should spitefully keep them out of her life because it didn't happen quick enough. That seems really toxic.

I have this with my ex DP’s dad. Hasn’t been near DS since he was 18 months old, only grandchild, DS is now 8.

If he tried getting near him now he wouldn’t make it to the front gate before being told to get to fuck.

They can’t just opt in and out when they choose to.

Nope. IF I thought there was a chance they were making a genuine effort to change, they’d have to spend a year establishing a relationship with my partner and myself (with zero holiday visits) before they’d be allowed near my kid. Earn a relationship with sustained change proven by action. You don’t get access to my kid on a whim.

The child doesn’t miss them because they’ve never been around. I wouldn’t give them the chance to hurt her with their behaviour. If they’ve changed, they’ll understand the need to prove it, make amends and earn a relationship.

I would let them come. I would make my house look amazing, put on a fabulous spread and play the perfect hostess. Let them feel they have been missing out and give them something to talk about!

it makes no sense to be annoyed by certain behaviours but not give the space for people to change.

Exactly. You're being entirely illogical @Fruitpunch1 .

Do you know what's promoted this volte face?

Amd how exactly did they say it?

It was all a bit weird.

Whoever mentioned the possibility of needing a carer might be closer to the mark than I originally thought.
She was here for 20 mins and most of it just carried on chatting to my partner about how his grandad is getting old etc.

Gave DD a fiver then said about 4 words to her. Most of it was about the wider family. What they’re doing etc.

She didn’t speak to me either really. Mind you I was out of the way cos I cannot bite my tongue at all.

This sounds like the relationship i have with my in-laws.
They lived 4 hours away and when we announced our 1st pregnancy, vowed to move closer. Their younger son then announced he was also having a baby with his then girlfriend so in-laws moved nearer them.
They barely made an effort when our child was born. Came a few times and just took endless photos to show people that they're doting grandparents then dropped off the face of the earth.
Meanwhile I found out they see BIL every single week and spend time with his child.
They havent asked to see us in months.
We're expecting baby 2. They've shown zero interest so far.
We havent had an easy pregnancy so far and they dont even ask how things are going (theybare aware of the complications).
Ive said to DH that i want to go no contact because they like the grandparent status but arent involved at all.
DH wants them around but agrees theyre utterly useless and favour his brother.
Its a crap situation.